To offer to be a surrogate for my friend

[Catzeyess]

This is hypothetical in the sense it will not be for quite a few years.

A close friend cannot carry a child (but can have a genetic one) she has no sisters or cousins and her mum is too old. When she told me my instinct was to offer immediately but I didn't as felt it would be bad to offer then think about it and withdraw the offer later. As I feel it would be much easier for her to have a close friend who she is comfortable with than a stranger.

Hypothetically I mentioned to my mum I would think about being a surrogate for a friend and she freaked out and basically said don't even concider it (my mum doesn't know this is a potentially real situation)

I've never had a baby and would want one of my own first and assuming that my dh agrees (he would obviously have to be completely comfortable and on board) and I can actually have children am I unreasonable to be concidering this?

I don't want to actually offer unless I am serious as I think this will be really unfair.

[wheresthelight]

As someone previously in your friends position she will be happy for you but heartbroken for herself and that may not come over in the right way to you iyswim. It is the hardest thing in the world to see the people you love most getting pregnant

I would at least have a conversation with your friend about whether she has considered other options ie adoption or surrogacy so at least you know her thoughts. If it is something she absolutely wouldn't consider then your worrying about it is all a bit pointless.

I reiterate my earlier comment that you are a lovely friend to be thinking of it in any way though

[sebsmummy1]

Do not underestimate the power of hormones when you are pregnant. Before I had children, in my early thirties, I never thought I would meet anyone so had decided I would be childless and though surrogacy would be something I could do. I would read with interest the stories of professional surrogates and thought it was an amazing thing to do.

Fast forward five years and i was pregnant with my son. If anyone had tried to interfer with my pregnancy bubble I would have torn their arm off. Within five months I went from thinking I was going to have a c-section to getting a Doula and wanting a home birth. My mind went into earth m

[sebsmummy1]

earth mother mode and the bond was set. I would leave the surrogacy to those who's families are complete and who have experience in this area and save your friend the heart ache.

[Catzeyess]

She told me she would like a surrogate in the conversation but I sort of skipped over it as it didn't seem appropriate to talk about right then.

We talked about when/if I get pregnant and she said she I genuinely really excited for me and would want to be around, but she generally avoids pregnant women and children.

[Catzeyess]

It's so good to talk about this here as in RL I don't feel like I can

[scottishmummy]

I do wish you well op.you're right to carefully think.I note you said if your dh agrees
You have no guarantee how pg will affect you,but you do need to consider preexisting conditions
You dont need to be a lovely or good friend,and you don't need to fix this by being surrogate

As hard as it is,your friend will be anguished by pg colleagues,friends.im afraid there is no resolution to that - and its not necessarily your role to give her a baby

[Alisvolatpropiis]

She may well have mentioned it because it's something she thinks about, because for her, using a surrogate would be her way of ttc. Rather than hinting iyswm?

[cardamomginger]

Think very carefully about this.

The process of surrogacy is hard and you need to look into the process of what will be entailed medically. It is physically gruelling and you may have to go through several cycles before there is an actual pregnancy.

There are lots of things to think about, and some of these may be harder because by the genetic parents are friends.

Attachment to the baby you are carrying.
Boundaries between you and the genetic parents may be difficult - you may expect a closer involvement in the child's life than they want you to gave. Or vice versa.
They may have particular ideas about your behaviour during pregnancy that do not sit well with you. This may be difficult to manage.
What if the foetus does have an abnormality and they request a termination?
You may have beliefs about how the child should be brought up that they do not share, and this may be difficult to manage. Eg if they go for controlled crying and you disagree with this.
Miscarriage may be particularly hard to deal with if she is a friend.
Another thing to think about is the possibility that you sustain birth injuries when giving birth that impact on your health and even limit your ability to have more children. I am in this situation, and it is hard enough with it being my own DD I gave birth to. It would be utterly intolerable if it had been a child for another couple.

Most definitely have your own DC first, before discussing it with anyone as a serious possibility. Preferably have completed your family first.

[thicketofstars]

OP, I know quite a lot about surrogacy and I can confirm that your decision to wait is a good one. For your friend's sake and your own, her surrogate should...

• Have completed her own family (imagine how she'd feel if something happened during the pregnancy that meant you couldn't have a baby of your own in the future).
  
• Have sailed through her own pregnancies and labours (otherwise the surrogate is taking on an unacceptable level of risk and again, imagine how your friend would feel).
  
• Have been physically and mentally quickly after birth.
  
  There's nothing wrong with surrogacy in itself. It's a great option that has brought a lot of joy to many families. One day, you might be in a position to do it. It very, very rarely goes wrong and when it does, it's usually because the couples haven't taken the time to think through every possible scenario and agree on what to do. There are so many things to consider - what to do in the event of a multiple birth, whether to test for developmental problems, expectations for contact during the pregnancy and in the years to come, financial compensation figures, who will be present at the birth etc. None of this is legally binding in the UK so it's extra important that the surrogate and 'intended parents' are able to trust each other and share similar values.
  
  In the meantime, your friend doesn't have to wait until that day. Advise her to post on the surrogacy board within the 'fertility friends' website. From there, she may be invited to join a surrogacy group elsewhere.

[Catzeyess]

Thanks thicket! Encouraging to know in the right set of circumstances it can work well, and remind me that I may not actually be a suitable surrogate, so should definitely keep my mouth shut till the right time!