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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that getting your child to phone and invite themselves to a party is wrong

80 replies

Sibble · 09/08/2014 06:19

Ds2 is having his birthday party tomorrow (turning 10). We're having it at home and have hired a laser skirmish party. There was a limit (due to cost and not wanting masses of boys running wild at home) to the number of friends that he could invite. In total he could choose 9. Including him that makes 10. Last night a boy he was friends with last year but is in a different class and he hasn't talked about much this year phones me and urged on by his mother in the background asks can he come to dss party. He's very surprised he hasn't been invited as they are very good friends. He then proceeds to tell me he knows about the party as he has heard about it from another boy who is going. He's doing a sleepover at the other boys house tonight and he can come with him.

I was so taken aback I said he could come. Now I'm angry with myself (but how do you say no to a child) and furious with the mother for not only letting him phone but positively encouraging him in the background 'just ask if you can go and why you havn't been invited'.

Am I being unreasonable or is this just plain rude. Also not sure what I am going to say when he's picked up tomorrow because I am so angry, I think it will be written all over my face.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 09/08/2014 08:26

Gosh, that's a new level of cheek, I have to say.
Well you've said yes now so you'll just have to suck it up, and there's always the risk that someone else might pull out at the last minute through sickness or whatever, so it might be ok. But next time, you'll be more prepared and be able to apologise and say that it's just not possible due to space/costs etc.

calonwyn · 09/08/2014 08:59

I agree that it's too mean on the child to do anything other than include him now, but I'd definitely take the mother aside at pickup, or phone her later, to let her know that she - not her son - put you in a very awkward position that you didn't appreciate. As others have said, if s/he takes this as a perfectly acceptable way to carry on, the next hostess he tries it on might not be as accommodating, and it'll be even more upsetting for him. Poor kid.

On the other hand, she may be training up his brass neck to be Prime Minister/Britain's top double-glazing salesman one day, in which case, all due respect to the woman.

Dubjackeen · 09/08/2014 09:08

I'd let it go, at this stage, I mean I would let him attend.
Am assuming it isn't costing extra, to have him attending, if it was, I would be asking the mother for the money.
She did put you in an awkward position though, by encouraging the child to make that call, and it's not a good idea to put into a child's head, that it's okay to do that.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 09/08/2014 09:12

You cannot incite him now but I would call the mother and to the above suggestion of passing the cost onto her!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 09/08/2014 09:13

Incite - uninvite

Original poster
Sibble · 09/08/2014 09:15

Well I'm glad I'm not the only one. I will be British and suck it up. I've booked 2 extra places (1 for the boy and 1 for dh/myself so there are even numbers).

Branleuse I don't understand your post, the party package was for 10. He has 9 friends coming (plus him = 10)? I think 10 boys for a party is enough for a 10 year old.

OP posts:
Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 09/08/2014 09:17

Phone back and say-checked with events-the limit is 10, so he can come BUT CANT DO THE LASER TAG thing. Elf and safety ya know. Dm sad face.
Cheeky muppet.

Notso · 09/08/2014 09:19

What is a laser skirmish party?

The mother is brazen. I like to think I would say no but I probably wouldn't

CeliaFate · 09/08/2014 09:20

I wouldn't be able to look at the mother when she drops him off to the party. If she says anything about why he wasn't invited, a terse "Costs" will suffice.
Cheeky cow. No wonder if he loses out long term. Nobody will want him round if his mother is so rude and demanding.

Thumbwitch · 09/08/2014 09:59

Am curious - what has your DS said about this boy coming now?

JoanBakersShopCake · 09/08/2014 10:20

I'd definitely take the mother aside at pickup, or phone her later, to let her know that she - not her son - put you in a very awkward position that you didn't appreciate

This. Had you son wanted him there he would have been invited.

JoanBakersShopCake · 09/08/2014 10:20

your

TedAndEd · 09/08/2014 11:03

I really don't understand why you didn't say no when he phoned! Was it really that difficult to do so? Confused I think you need to work on being more assertive.

InSummer · 09/08/2014 11:14

I don't think you can say no now, but you really should say something to the Mum. Tell her you heard her in the back ground and found it really off to be put in that position.

Really can't understand how she thought it would be ok. If the boy is sleeping at the friend's house, bet the cheeky cow just wants him gone for the day. If I read it right that he'll be with a friend who's invited. Actually, if so you might not even get to see her.

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy · 09/08/2014 12:03

I wouldn't be as bothered by the boy calling - if my child was upset about something like not being invited, I would suggest asking the child and arranging to do something with them at another point if they wanted to rebuild a friendship. If a child was bothered enough about not being invited to call, I would suggest a different activity they could do together if I had place of mind.

The pushing -you- for an invite for the party and the constant coaching in the background would quite annoy me. My eldest (9) has communication trouble so I do coach him before he uses the phone and he might have notes in front of him that are more my words than his, but the talking loudly in the background to me says that she wanted to know why he wasn't invited/get him invited more than it was about helping a kid keep friends. It is quite rude and seems more about wanting the extras tha friendship.

NoodleOodle · 09/08/2014 12:21

Ask pushy mum what kind of dvds her son likes, and if she's sure she wants to push for him to come and watch a dvd while the others play the party game, as the numbers were obviously confirmed a while back.

DownByTheRiverside · 09/08/2014 12:28

Tell her you are expecting a gift, around £15 would be appropriate. Grin

MsJupiter · 09/08/2014 12:31

I don't know. We see lots of posts on here where a child has been left out from a party where they thought they were the host's friend. Posters are often advised to try and bring it up with the parent. Yes it's pretty excruciating but maybe her logic was that if he has been really upset and feeling sidelined, maybe doing this will bolster his confidence?

If it were me I'd speak to the mum and ask if her son is ok and if he is struggling since being moved, maybe try and include him more in future if your son still likes him and it's just been a question of circumstance that has separated them.

I am pretty soft hearted though.

McBear · 09/08/2014 13:17

I'm very curious as to what OPs DS thinks about him being invited too.

wonderingsoul · 09/08/2014 13:33

Honestly I would have said no, sorry but you could only have x amount of people but offered to have him over another day so he can hang out without ds.

Or even to speak to his mum and not answered the boy.

But youv said yes now, I guess all you could do is message the mum and.fell her you don't appreciate being put on the spot.

ADishBestEatenCold · 09/08/2014 13:37

I, too, am curious as to what your DS has said about this boy now coming.

Not a lot you can do about it now, so in terms of the child being there. I think you should indeed suck it up and welcome him as much as any original guest.

That doesn't mean that his mother shouldn't be made aware of how awkward that was.

I think you should take her aside and point out that she. allowed her son to put both himself and you in a horribly awkward position.
That the lack of invitation had not been an oversight, as the numbers had been restricted by the event, so your son had not been allowed to invite all his friends.
I would add that if she ever again feels there might have been an oversight, she should contact you herself and not allow her child to put himself and you into this position.

TheNewSchmoo · 09/08/2014 13:40

I must be quite harsh as I think 10 years old is old enough to understand how things work and told him that there were only 10 places and they were full.

Or I'd have asked him to put his mum on and told her. But then I'm definitely a "talk to solve problems" type.

AlpacaMyBags · 09/08/2014 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 09/08/2014 14:47

I would have said no due to the numbers limit for the party. At 10yo he's old enough to know that a party costs money, especially when it's a specific organised event. Life isn't fair and sometimes you don't get invited to stuff. You either learn that it's a bit rude to invite yourself or if you're that brazen, you soon learn not to be upset at people saying no to you.

If the other mum was worried about how upset her son was, she should have spoken to you privately. Maybe they didn't know it was limited numbers, that should be easy for her to explain to him. Bit different if it was a 30+ kids in a hall type of party, but it's still okay to say no to people coming. Your party, your invites, end of.

Nomama · 09/08/2014 16:06

Well, he's coming now. But you do have to say something to his mum. Welcome him in with a big smile, as he runs off turn to her and say something like:

"Thank you for putting me in an impossible position. You could have talked to me yourself. I hope to return the expensive favour sometime"