To not allow ILs alone with my DD

[bethcutler13]

Lots and lots of history here. In the past I have tried INCREDIBLY hard to please and for in with In laws (especially mil) me and her son are never giving enough, doting enough, being successful enough (he is constantly called a failure). We bend over backwards with family holidays with them, making effort for special occasions and spending quality time with them. It's never enough. All I hear is mil crying and screaming as soon as she doesn't get her own way and I just see a nasty manipulative woman because of her behaviour for the past 2.5 years.
-she asked me to abort my baby
-stormed into our room when we were staying to scream at us about my pregnancy
-booked tickets for a cruise we spesifically said we couldn't go on and then told us we didn't make enough effort on the cruise (not going to list the attempts but we tried so hard to make is special for them as they renewed their vows on board)

• spent the night crying down the phone saying we didn't want to see her because we wouldn't let them take dd on their own, regardless of the fact we offered to meet up all together
• emotional blackmail everytime she's told "no"
• moved abroad after insisting on seeing us ever week prior to this, then throwing a paddy because I don't want them to take dd that they haven't seen in months on their own
• told me she likes to dress dd herself when we stay with them because she "liked to see dd dressed properly"
• constant digs about my weight, dps weight and the way we raise our child
• comments on my clothes, saying I need to dress properly

Oh my the list goes on. I can't stand them, I don't know how to get it across that I'm happy to spend time with them and dd and do nice things but they aren't taking her alone. I swear she wants to be my daughters mother, she only had one son because they didn't want to make financial sacrifices for another. She's taken down photos of her son and replaced them with photos of dd. Does anyone else's mother in law sleep with a photo of their grandchild next to their bed or is it just mine?

Hmmm, lots of advise that makes sense written down, I do stand up to her, I'm just sick of having to "stand up" to a fully grown adult. Fed up of having to repeatedly say "no" and having to turn my phone off so I'm totally uncontactable to the outside world because she's sending emotional blackmail left right and centre.
She knows what I think because she is always nicey nicey to me and it's dh she goes crazy at and tends to only go for me when I step In.
I know how to deal with her, it's just exhausting and sometimes when people only see "nice mil" and get at you for not allowing her to have my dd alone etc makes you question yourself. Guess I just needed reassurance.

Don't underestimate how important reassurance is. I've spent years thinking that I must be the odd one as I find mil FIL and BIL difficult. Having spent more time with MIL's extended family recently I realise that they're actually the batshit ones - the rest of the family is quite normal.

Well, you can be assured you are not out of order for standing up to her or feeling the way you do. I really think you should ignore all guilt trip/emotional blackmail messages. The fact you recognise they are guilt trip/emtional blackmail messages when you receive them is great because you can ignore. Just don't responded to her. Don't feel guilty about it or frustrated. I think you need to find a way of totally blanking this out of your life.

Why do you switch your phone off? Is she sending hundreds of texts a day? If she is, just delete them and don't respond. I wouldn't even read them. She will eventually get the message may take a couple years

You are allowing this situation to clearly control your life because you are actually thinking of emigrating, leaving your family/ friends and cancelling your wedding because of one controlling woman. She will always be manipulative and other people will always think she is lovely. I would go no contact rather than be chased away from my home, family and friends by her. Your DP doesn't have to go no contact but you can. You really do have a choice in this. Its not an easy choice but it is a choice! Sorry again if this sounds harsh.

Emigrating won't necessarily solve the problem either. Lots of people in NZ/Oz end up with their families visiting and living with them for three months of the year. Some even do 6 months UK, 6 months NZ.

Imagine them living in your house for 6 months. That may help you stay strong!

Hi Beth. I too have MIL problems and your MIL sounds similar to mine.
Examples of her behaviour...

1. Asking me about our 'future' plans just after we got engaged behind DP's back and then telling him I had been hostile (I was eating my breakfast and minding my own business).
2. Ringing my mum a week or so before DP and I were due to move in together to see what she thought and not liking that mum said its fine coz we are both adults.
3. Telling me my family don't love me coz they didn't have a melt down when I left home.
4. Telling me I'm a bully while standing too close to me and wagging finger in my face!
5. Refusing all attempts to be nice to her - even offered to take her shopping for her outfit for our wedding.
6. Not happy both times we told her I was pregnant.
7. Having a strop over location of DS christening.
8. Denying point blank that she said all the stuff about my family.
9. Told DP that he would fail when he set up his own translation business.

I could put more but it would just bore everyone to death. We have got to the point now where we send cards/texts for birthdays etc... but no other contact. They haven't seen DS since he was 7 months old (he is now nearly 3) and have never met DD (3 months). We have told them we would re establish contact if they apologise for their previous behaviour and that they need to be nice (she uses a shitty tone of voice when ever she talks to me). It was hard for DP to come to this decision as he is only child and of course never realised how mean his mother could be until we got married. I just found it odd that someone's parents could be so uptight and mean to their own child (tantrums when she doesn't get own way, emotional blackmail etc....) as mine are so laid back and are super supportive of all of their kids and treat DP has one of their own. Hope reading our story has made you feel less alone - it certainly helps me when I read other MIL stories. I always remind myself that its nothing personal, she would be the same if DP had married/fallen in love with someone else. Hugs x

no YANBU .what sort of mother tells her son he is not succesfull of enough .is overwieght .basically not a good enough father .to tell her son to get rid of his child .well that,s bloody awfull .if she is abroad let her stay there ..the photos are ok my mum had photos of my 3 everywhere .but the rest no way .

jellybeans

Why did you actually forgive her for all that stuff?

I only forgave (although still it upsets me if I think back to how I was treated back then) because MIL started making an effort, calling before visits (she used to refuse saying why should she make an appointment to see her own son). She also said she and DH were the family, me and DC were simply DH's extended family but I think at some stage must have accepted that DH had his own family seperate to her now.

When she was being hideous we invited her less, it was awkward, DH had to challenge her etc etc. But somehow she made a small effort and I learnt to tolerate the small annoyances. She began to acknowledge me (used to ignore me) and we both made more effort. If she had remained hideous we would have kept her at arms length.

I think the keys things to why we now get on are...

MIL realised we are our own family and entitled to privacy and space (this took many years)

MIL realised being nice meant being invited more and better atmosphere

DH stood up to his mum even when manipulated or threatened

It came to a stage where things were so bad we almost quit contact, I think this scared MIL and she realised she didn't have daily contact like she wanted but at least she had some

At the end of the day it is easier all round to get on where possible.

I even begin to wonder if she moves nearby that you should seek legal advice about preventing her having contact, never mind NC. If she never wanted your DC to be born you might be able to argue risk of harm to her if left alone with her.

Nasty it may seem, but perhaps one option.

jellybeans You're kinder than I would have been. I would have wanted nothing further to do with her.

If it was my MIL, in that situation, everytime she stamped her feet with demands about my DC I'd be tempted to reply:

"Do you mean the DC you wanted me to abort? Is that the one you want to spend time with?"

Your DH sounds broken, no doubt after years of this bollocks. I would see no other option but to go NC and build a fucking massive moat round my house. With sharks in it.

thanks everyone again for your responses. It's great to know I'm not alone too, just reading some of the crap other people have gone through makes me feel a little less crazy!
Honestly I'd love to lay in to my mil, I've stood up to her a couple of times and it was great. She knows not to directly mess with me, but dp even when he's standing his ground still comes off across weak, he just hasn't got it in him.
When my mil kicks off, I step in and tell her im leaving and not being around this kind of crazy shit and dp always backs me.
The issue is her sweet as sugar behaviour after she's acted like this and lured my dp back into her trap and keeps her mouth shut for a couple of months before she starts up again. She isn't consistently bad and this makes it hard for dp to break ties.
I've not replied my mils messages for months now, so she messages dp, although the other day she sent me a message asking for a photo of dd and basically said she is returning soon to help us move (not happening).
I just don't have the "balls" as has already been pointed out to just say "f you, you don't get the privilege of being around my dd anymore you psycho b*tch" because she is lovely with my dd, just shit with her parents. I worry about dd getting older and her being treated the way her father has though and can see all these issues becoming far worse as my dd understands more and they get more pushy for holidays alone with her (apparently mil is taking dd away for a week when she's older every year) wtf?!
Everytime I say to dp these things he says he won't let it happen, my answer is always "you've allowed it this long" but so have I, I'm just as bad, it's taken me a while to realise how bad they really are.
I fear if I dig my heels in and say no more, your parents can't see me and dd that his mother will cause such a fuss me and dp will argue so much, I think she could actually split us up, then begs the question, what am I doing with a man that allows his mother to do that to his family...
God my life's fucked up.

Oh and my fil doesn't know his wonderful wife asked me to abort. So if I brought that up it could cause a rather big fuss and she would deny it! I think he would be ridiculously shocked. He's not so bad, he is a genuine person who gets angry, gets upset and is right with money, but you know who he is and what he about, no hidden agenda and he honestly does care for his son and granddaughter. He is unfortunately his wife's enabler.

Her own mother who is 80 is in hospital wth serious heart problems, my mil (a nurse) isn't flying back from jersey to see her until Wednesday (she's been in hospital since Saturday) because she is entertaining her friends at her house in Jersey! Her older sister is te only one there to look after their mother. We are heading up on Thursday after I've finished my 23 hr shift (it's an 8 hour drive) and driving home on Saturday so I can work 2 night shifts in a row and mil has called up my partner, only interest being trying to get us to go up with them on Wednesday instead so se can see us. I don't understand how someone who demands so much from her own son can show so little support to her own mother. It's sickening. She must think so highly of herself as a parent. Eughh

Yep, that sounds familiar

(My MIL's 91 year old mother has been admitted to hospital again - mil refuses to travel back as "it's not as though she's dying" - selfish to the fucking core )

It's the double standards thing that gets me - she expects everyone to bend over backwards for her, yet she'll do exactly naff all for anyone else.

Sadly I don't think there is any way of changing people like that - you can only change the way you react to them