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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow ILs alone with my DD

65 replies

bethcutler13 · 08/08/2014 14:55

Lots and lots of history here. In the past I have tried INCREDIBLY hard to please and for in with In laws (especially mil) me and her son are never giving enough, doting enough, being successful enough (he is constantly called a failure). We bend over backwards with family holidays with them, making effort for special occasions and spending quality time with them. It's never enough. All I hear is mil crying and screaming as soon as she doesn't get her own way and I just see a nasty manipulative woman because of her behaviour for the past 2.5 years.
-she asked me to abort my baby
-stormed into our room when we were staying to scream at us about my pregnancy
-booked tickets for a cruise we spesifically said we couldn't go on and then told us we didn't make enough effort on the cruise (not going to list the attempts but we tried so hard to make is special for them as they renewed their vows on board)

  • spent the night crying down the phone saying we didn't want to see her because we wouldn't let them take dd on their own, regardless of the fact we offered to meet up all together
  • emotional blackmail everytime she's told "no"
  • moved abroad after insisting on seeing us ever week prior to this, then throwing a paddy because I don't want them to take dd that they haven't seen in months on their own
  • told me she likes to dress dd herself when we stay with them because she "liked to see dd dressed properly"
  • constant digs about my weight, dps weight and the way we raise our child
  • comments on my clothes, saying I need to dress properly
Oh my the list goes on. I can't stand them, I don't know how to get it across that I'm happy to spend time with them and dd and do nice things but they aren't taking her alone. I swear she wants to be my daughters mother, she only had one son because they didn't want to make financial sacrifices for another. She's taken down photos of her son and replaced them with photos of dd. Does anyone else's mother in law sleep with a photo of their grandchild next to their bed or is it just mine?
OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 08/08/2014 16:10

Elope and stay there would solve them better Wink

ohfourfoxache · 08/08/2014 16:13

Beth the issues are not going to be resolved love Sad

I think I remember your pp - is it jersey they're moving back from? And they're going to be living quite near you?

I feel that your only real option is to go nc

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 08/08/2014 16:30

Yup, it's me again.
Dp has seemed to cooled off because they've been away for so long and has put their behaviour behind him again. I'm just petrieifed because I know what's coming.
We are looking into emigrating, it's going to take at least a year.

OP posts:
Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 08/08/2014 16:34

We'll my late inlaws had pics of their grandchildren in their bedroom as do my parents but they don't behave in any way like that.

They sound vile. Your poor dh. Can't you withdraw?

ohfourfoxache · 08/08/2014 16:34

I can sympathise - almost a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder Hmm

You've not told them about emigrating, have you?

When are they due to return full time? And is here any prospect of them actually going off again at any point?

Un-mnetty

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 08/08/2014 16:37

Oh yes have read your posts before

Deep sympathies op they are dreadful.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 08/08/2014 16:41

She is beyond batshit.
Not much to advise, but if you do go back to work make sure whoever does your child are knows that she is not allowed to take dd or in fact be anywhere near her.
Flowers and Wine and a big can of mil repellant.

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 08/08/2014 16:42

It's almost like they NEED to continue being nasty 24/7 for do to justify not seeing them.
They are returning in August, latest sept and they have ditched grand plans to stay in US for 6 months of the year and 3 months in Spain and 3 months in the UK, they've decided to retire 10 minutes down the road from our new house, they haven't brought the property yet but have told us where they want to move and it's too close!
Might just run away

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/08/2014 16:44

No good will come of contact. Your MiL is as mad as a box of frogs.
And I speak as a GM with photos of my DGC by my bed! (they weren't replacements though!)

No, you have to stop them going anywhere near your DD. You should have gone NC from the minute she told you to get an abortion.

Make your DH read this to remind him of what she's like.

ohfourfoxache · 08/08/2014 16:47

Oh fuck Sad

There is another thread on aibu at the moment about a mil being a pita and being 2 roads away. About mid thread there is some advice (I think the poster had the word vanilla in their name) about balancing negatives with positives. Might be worth a look? Could help you to turn what is an awful, awful situation into something a bit more positive?

RedToothBrush · 08/08/2014 16:47

Honestly. Tell them where to go now if they are considering moving that close. It is not worth letting it go any further.

If they do move that close and you aren't NC you will have even more problems than you already do.

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 08/08/2014 16:55

If my mil had photos of all her loved ones in her room and my dd I wouldn't care, it's more that fact it's a f#*^!?g shrine of my daughter and it's creepy! I don't even have that many photos of her and I carried her in my womb for gods sake.
I'm hoping they don't move there, they might not...wishful thinking but their plans chane a lot. We might rent that house out and live elsewhere, we want to
Emigrate so intimately it will need renting out anyway. But we want to marry before we move and tbh I'm mainly
Moving to away from them.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 08/08/2014 17:07

Could it partly be guilt on mils part that she was such a bitch when you were pregnant?

LittlePeaPod · 08/08/2014 17:12

Does anyone else's mother in law sleep with a photo of their grandchild next to their bed or is it just mine?

Yes my MIL has a picture of all three grandchildren net to her bed. But, I have a great relationship with my MIL but she can be a pain in the butt sometimes

If I were you Op I would simply withdraw and stop making so much of an effort, regardless of how much of a strop she threw. I just couldn't put up with that kind of nasty behaviour. Do you really need to spend so much time with your IL? Do you need your DP to also go no contact? Can't he carry on having a relationship with his parents and you remove yourself from the situation?

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 08/08/2014 17:30

If it was guilt wouldn't she be nicer to us all? All I ever hear is "she is my granddaughter, I have rights" kind of stuff. I don't know.
Dp can see her whenever he likes, but she would go crazy if my dd wasn't there and it would all come out ei;she would twig and go nuts.
It's very tedious, my mother is so relaxed, I'm not used to this pushy behaviour.

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 08/08/2014 17:37

So what if she goes nuts? I am starting to think you have a DP problem rather than a MIL problem.

I would refuse to see her and refuse to let her have any access to DC. Tell DP he can see her whenever he wants.

ohfourfoxache · 08/08/2014 17:37

It's very hard when one side is relaxed and the other is hard work Sad

(I'm just over 9 weeks and mil has already said "but you must do x, this is our first grandson". This was just to me, behind dh's back, and in front of my mum - will also be her first gc Hmm )

I think Little is right - you're going to have to ride the storm. You know it will be bad, you know what you're in for but I don't think there is any way round it. Other than biting your tongue for a year and getting on with emigrating ASAP Sad

Deelish75 · 08/08/2014 17:37

What is she like with other members of the family - her siblings, her in laws. You mention she plays the innocence card but I wouldn't be surprised if people see through that.

Original poster
bethcutler13 · 08/08/2014 17:44

I totally have a DP problem, he is petrified of conflict and needs to grow some. But this would be less of an issue if it wasn't for mil.
I'm going to have to ride the storm as you say, I feel like I need her to go crazy crazy so I can really put my foot down and walk away.
She funnily enough doesn't have contact with her siblings or mother, they all see each other still but she says they are to blame and are nasty people. Never heard their side of the story.
Most people fool for her shit, she's got it down to a fine art, it's really quiet impressive. Although my mum and sister picked up on it pretty quick.

OP posts:
jellybeans · 08/08/2014 17:48

Wow do we have the same MIL? Strikingly similar. However, many years on we actually get on well. Amazing compared to how it was (also wanted me to abort, called daily, verbally abused me, lied and manipulated etc). I sympathise, it's hell.

Don't let her have DC alone. Cut contact if she is awful but increase it if she makes an effort. She won"t change unless she is forced to and realises she will see more of DgC if she accepts you and stops taking over.

Somehow my MIL eventually started accepting me and so I tolerated her more and now we get on. But to get to the point it was hell for years.

RedToothBrush · 08/08/2014 17:52

"she is my granddaughter, I have rights"

Ask her what these 'rights' actually are, and how they are enforced by law, next time she tries that chestnut.

Her relationship with your daughter is actually a privilege not a right... Privileges can be suspended if someone does not adhere to the guidelines and rules of the body that gives these privileges out...

fluffymouse · 08/08/2014 17:57

Pictures sound fine.

Everything else does not.

Avoid this woman.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/08/2014 19:29

You have to take control and take no rubbish from her. Remind her that you and dh are tge gateway to her grandaughter, so she better be on her best behaviour at all times.

LittlePeaPod · 08/08/2014 23:48

Op sorry to sound harsh but regardless of your DP, you have a choice in this whole situation. You are allowing yourself to be treated like this and you are allowing your MIL to behave like this. It's almost like having a tantruming toddler. If you don't do anything and you continue to sheepishly tread on egg shells with her, your MIL will continue to behave like this.

If you want this to stop then you need to take control and put a stop to it regardless of whether or not she throws a strop, screams, cries and spits her dummy out. Just ignore, dont respond and let her get on with it. Eventually she will realise her behaviour is getting her no where. So never mind your DP "growing a pair". I actually think you need to "grow a pair" and remove yourself from this situation. If your DP decides to put up with his mother shit then let him get on with it.

As much as I get on with my MIL she can be a real judgemental, opinionated and controlling woman. DH has split up with numerous partners in the past very happy he did because we are together now because of his mother interfering. DH and MIL have been under no illusions since DH and I met that I will not put up with any of her controlling behaviour. It made for am intersting start to our relationship whole other thread. You need to be strong and you need to be prepared to ride the storm otherwise you need to accept you will be living a resentful life of hell because of your MILs behaviour.

Inertia · 09/08/2014 07:58

You won't change her. All you can do is change the way you respond to her
So start saying no , and let her have a tantrum.

And she doesn't have rights. Your child has the right to contact with family members, but she also has the right not to be exposed to harmful contact.

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