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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said no to IL

62 replies

Albertatata · 08/08/2014 08:44

Lots of past history PIL are nice people but massive favouritism to SIL and her family (although they do live closer so its easier for them to be involved).

We have no help at all and very rarely ask for help. We are going to wedding this weekend and we asked if PIL would come and look after DC aged 2.9 & 9 months. They agreed, it's MIL birthday so we checked they had nothing planned and they actually offered.

There is a bit of back story and built up feeling of resentment if I'm honest, last time they visited was in Jan (it's a 2hr train journey) they don't return our calls or FaceTime etc but they are amazing and involved grandparents with SIL family. Last time we went to visit (we went in march & June) they basically ignored us and our DC. All quite upsetting

So DH was hopeful for this weekend. They had booked thurs to tues to stay. Anyway in the last 48hrs plans have changed, they are now going back on the Monday, they have arranged to meet an old friend today and tomorrow when I'm bridesmaid at the wedding & it's the first time DC2 (10months) will be put to bed without me or DH PIL have arranged for aunties, uncles, there son & his girlfriend to come round. Nobody even asked the auntie just left a message on my voicemail.

I've said no to extended family coming as wanted them to concentrate on DC for just one day and esp as I'm worried about him going to sleep/staying to sleep (he is breasted & not very good with bottle) and he isn't too sure on who PIL never mind all extended family coming as well - I just didn't feel it was fair on him. I've said they can come on the Sunday instead (at least I will be here then)

Anyway PIL have arrived and its very frosty, MILbasicallynot speaking to us, they came last night and it was so awkward and this morning she has got up and not even said good morning to us! They are off visiting old friends today - rather than seeing their grandchildren. We had booked a birthday meal for MIL but considering cancelling now!

AIBU, maybe I am a bit overly previous but I would like them to spend some time on their own with grand kids. TBH I'm really upset that someone can be so rude to me in my own home - really want just kick them out!

OP posts:

PiggyontheRailway · 08/08/2014 13:47

Well if any of you where staying for a few days at your parents house and it was your birthday would you check first if it was ok or say to friends and relations, pop round I'll be at my mums.

Janethegirl · 08/08/2014 13:54

Yes Piggy I would check first if I was planning to invite friends or relations to my mum's house.

My dcs check with me before they invite friends to visit or stay. I also let my dcs know if we are planning to have visitors too. It is is about having consideration for others, and keeping open the communication channels.

ClockWatchingLady · 08/08/2014 13:57

Piggy, I would definitely check first (but can see this is a personal/family thing).

SugarMiceInTheRain · 08/08/2014 13:58

YANBU. Any way you can make alternative arrangements? I daresay your DC won't be too happy to be left with GPs who are virtually strangers to them anyway! Why offer to help if you don't want to and are going to spend the whole time with other people, rather than with the GC you are there to see? Bonkers...

Doingakatereddy · 08/08/2014 14:01

Your MIL is been very rude not speaking to you & should show some consideration that you're leaving DS tomorrow for an important event for you.

By sounds of it, she does plenty for her daughter - well it's her sons turn. It's not just about you, it's about your DH & grandchildren.

Inviting people to another's house is bad form, especially when you are away.

Get your DH to sit down with parents and thrash this out, now. Today. It will get worse when you're away tomorrow and you cannot clear the air once they've gone home

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 08/08/2014 14:10

YANBU - exactly as Nannyogg says.

The GP can't be bothered to get to know the grandchild they have offered to look after, and have invited more strangers to the children's house without consulting the children's parents and householders - doesn't matter a jot that the strangers are famleeeeee they are strangers to the children, or near strangers, and will make the chamces of a calm first bedtime without parents dim.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 08/08/2014 14:15

I'm betting the grandparents thought the DS and DDIL's house would make a good social base for catching up with old friends and family in the area, and the grandchildren are expected to slot in, with no thought given to the fact they barely know these very small children, 10 months and 2 are both prime separation anxiety ages, and they can't even be bothered to get to know the kids ehile the parents are about and have arranged to go out instrad.

Yes, of course I would ask my parents begore inviting a load of people to their house

MaryWestmacott · 08/08/2014 14:26

YANBU - Nannyogg has summed it up nicely.

OP, is there someone else you could ask to have the DCs tomorrow who you know, know your DCs and aren't strangers? Can you call today and get them lined up for tomorrow? It's going to be a disaster leaving your DCs with MIL, so just don't. You'd only be doing it now to save MIL's feelings, but it can't possibly be hte best option for your DCs, particularly the baby.

My parents have only been left in sole charge of DC1 for half a day and will never be left in charge of DC2, sometimes you have to put what's best for your DCs first and sod hurting the feelings of adults.

CarmineRose1978 · 08/08/2014 14:30

YANBU. I get on really well with my ILs but I would be so pissed off if they invited people round to my house when they were supposed to be babysitting without asking me and DP first. If they'd consulted you, it might have been different!

Yama · 08/08/2014 14:35

YANBU

I would be tempted to leave dh behind with the children and go to the wedding myself. Peace of mind.

I wouldn't want to leave such young children with gp's who didn't really know them and who have certainly shown that they don't put them first.

whiteblossom · 08/08/2014 15:40

yanbu, I totally agree with nannyogg & mrtumbles.

chopinbabe · 08/08/2014 17:08

They really should be glad of the chance to spend quality time with your little ones. I agree that, in the circumstances, they shouldn't be looking for distractions but concentrating on them.

Would it really be a hardship. In fact, I can think of many a grandparent for whom this would be all the birthday treat that would be needed.

A modicum of gratitude for the trust that you are placing in them would not go amiss. Appalling behaviour and I certainly wouldn't offer her the chance again.

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