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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said no to IL

62 replies

Albertatata · 08/08/2014 08:44

Lots of past history PIL are nice people but massive favouritism to SIL and her family (although they do live closer so its easier for them to be involved).

We have no help at all and very rarely ask for help. We are going to wedding this weekend and we asked if PIL would come and look after DC aged 2.9 & 9 months. They agreed, it's MIL birthday so we checked they had nothing planned and they actually offered.

There is a bit of back story and built up feeling of resentment if I'm honest, last time they visited was in Jan (it's a 2hr train journey) they don't return our calls or FaceTime etc but they are amazing and involved grandparents with SIL family. Last time we went to visit (we went in march & June) they basically ignored us and our DC. All quite upsetting

So DH was hopeful for this weekend. They had booked thurs to tues to stay. Anyway in the last 48hrs plans have changed, they are now going back on the Monday, they have arranged to meet an old friend today and tomorrow when I'm bridesmaid at the wedding & it's the first time DC2 (10months) will be put to bed without me or DH PIL have arranged for aunties, uncles, there son & his girlfriend to come round. Nobody even asked the auntie just left a message on my voicemail.

I've said no to extended family coming as wanted them to concentrate on DC for just one day and esp as I'm worried about him going to sleep/staying to sleep (he is breasted & not very good with bottle) and he isn't too sure on who PIL never mind all extended family coming as well - I just didn't feel it was fair on him. I've said they can come on the Sunday instead (at least I will be here then)

Anyway PIL have arrived and its very frosty, MILbasicallynot speaking to us, they came last night and it was so awkward and this morning she has got up and not even said good morning to us! They are off visiting old friends today - rather than seeing their grandchildren. We had booked a birthday meal for MIL but considering cancelling now!

AIBU, maybe I am a bit overly previous but I would like them to spend some time on their own with grand kids. TBH I'm really upset that someone can be so rude to me in my own home - really want just kick them out!

OP posts:

JustDontWantToSay · 08/08/2014 10:27

I agree with However too
YANBU

fluffyraggies · 08/08/2014 10:40

I was just really worried about DS2 as he wouldn't know any of these people and it is the first time he will be going to sleep without me (& without boob) he is very clingy with me at the best of times.

I'd be thinking the same about my DD4 OP, if we were going to leave her overnight. It's hardly difficult to get your head round is it? That a baby which is unused to being without it's mum will fair better in a calm atmos. with just 1 or 2 (of the unfamiliar) people caring for him/her.

Buggered if i'd be given the silent treatment in my own home! Imagine going to her house and then refusing to speak?! Unforgivable behavior. I'm afraid i'd have to say something like: right MIL if you're not going to speak to me in my own bloody house i'd like you to to leave.

Castlemilk · 08/08/2014 10:46

The thing that stands out right now is her giving you the silent treatment when she is a guest in your home.

I'm afraid that she wouldn't get away with that with me, and I'd be asking her to leave. I suggest you do that, and get alternative childcare.

However... I'm guessing that would lead to a rift, but the way things are, maybe you'd barely notice the difference to your lives.

ApocalypseThen · 08/08/2014 10:49

I think people are forgetting who is doing the favour here. Presumably mother in law would like to just go home and do her own thing and forget about all this hassle, but she's not - yet.

Original poster

Albertatata · 08/08/2014 10:56

She offered to look after the children though. We never ask anything of them in contrast they have SIL children to stay overnight every other week.

They have gone out now to meet an old friend (would have thought they would have wanted to spend time with grandchildren but no they planned this instead). At least I don't have to look at MIL sulking anymore

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 08/08/2014 10:57

I don't think doing a favor absolves you from social graces and common sense though.

She's invited people to her DS and DILs house without asking, while supposed to be caring for GC who is going to be fretful, and is now not talking to either of her hosts! Just rude and childish. Not many favors are worth putting up with that behavior for IMO.

diddl · 08/08/2014 10:58

How important is the wedding to each of you?

I'd be telling her to leave & if no babysitter could be found, just one going to the wedding.

fluffyraggies · 08/08/2014 10:59

Yes i would have though their time would have been better spent getting familiar with their baby GC today. Oh well ...

You've more patience than me OP

ApocalypseThen · 08/08/2014 11:09

She offered to look after the children though. We never ask anything of them in contrast they have SIL children to stay overnight every other week

Is that the real issue here?

I don't think doing a favor absolves you from social graces and common sense though

Maybe I'm a freewheeling lunatic, but if my in laws are in my house for the weekend, having relatives around just doesn't seem to lack grace or common sense. They're not going to do anything nefarious, and if they're doing me a favour, I'd like them to feel at home. I'd hate to ask anyone to put themselves out and also make sure they didn't feel welcome.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 08/08/2014 11:12

OP, you're contradicting yourself - you say in your original post "We are going to wedding this weekend and we asked if PIL would come and look after DC aged 2.9 & 9 months. They agreed"

I think YABU and selfish - it's your MIL's birthday, seeing her other family at the same time as babysitting isn't going to mean something terrible happens to your DC while you're out. You're making it all about you and trying to force your PIL to have one-to-one time with their GC.

crje · 08/08/2014 11:25

yabu

This is an ugly side of some dil who make everything a power struggle.

Yabvu to leave your in laws with a bf baby who will hard to mind .
Your happy to suit yourself but if they do the same thing they are the bad guys.
Hats off to the in laws for turning up.

Original poster

Albertatata · 08/08/2014 11:58

We were discussing the wedding in front of them & they offered to come down and look after the children

OP posts:

PiggyontheRailway · 08/08/2014 12:13

I think Yabu, if I was your MIL and you did that to me I'd tell you to fuck pack and things and go.

MarchEliza · 08/08/2014 12:26

Some really harsh comments to the OP!

I don't think YABU at all. If your MIL had asked about inviting people around, you could have discussed it (as someone else said) and made a suitable arrangement. To have just invited people into your home without checking with you is unacceptable.

It is just as outrageous that she is being rude to you in your own home as it would be if you were rude to her - not sure why anyone thinks this is justifiable adult behavior.

VSeth · 08/08/2014 12:44

I think you have to take your MIL to one side when she returns and say that you don't think that your DH handled this very well and the only reason you didn't want the extended family around on Saturday is that your children will be nervous with a housefull of strangers without you there, could they invite everyone they want over on the Sunday.

If she is still sulking then say to her that you have offered a compromise and obviously want to make peace, what does she want to do? She may even decide to go ome on Sunday by the sound of it but give her a chance to be heard?

Wonc · 08/08/2014 12:48

Yanbu. It is outrageously rude to invite people to somewhere that is NOT YOUR HOME.

PiggyontheRailway · 08/08/2014 12:50

Sorry meant to say fuck off pack my things and go.
I think you are being overly precious and really thoughtless to your MIL, would you treat your mother the same or be happy if DH told she couldn't see members of her own family on her birthday because it might distract her from looking after your children.

Original poster

Albertatata · 08/08/2014 13:05

Yes but piggy we all knew that this was going to be her birthday but she offered to look after the children and up til yesterday we were not given any indication that she wanted to do anything else. We are meant to be taking her out this evening to celebrate. I have no problem her celebrating her birthday in whatever way she wants but my priority is my children who she agreed to look after. If she wanted to see the extended family maybe she could have arranged to go and visit them and we could have arranged a different babysitter.

OP posts:

jazzandh · 08/08/2014 13:06

I would imagine that is was the Op would like to happen anyway!

Janethegirl · 08/08/2014 13:10

YANBU, I like However's idea of trying to arrange alternative childcare and telling dear mil she is no longer welcome.
It is exceedingly rude to invite people, even close relations, to visit you in someone else's house without prior approval from your hosts.

maddy68 · 08/08/2014 13:16

Yabu. It's her birthday, she is inviting family round (your family not strangers!) while she looks after your children for you to do something you want to do! (And I bet your dh said it was fine!)

No wonder she doesn't want to visit.

bleedingheart · 08/08/2014 13:22

I think it's very bad manners to invite people to another person's home without asking.

I also think it's really sad for OP and her DH that his parents don't want to spend time with/get to know their children, particularly when they are very involved with the other grandchildren.

I'm not someone who thinks grandparents should be ignored/ostracized or never asked for help though.

YANBU OP, I hope your DS settles and you enjoy the wedding

ClockWatchingLady · 08/08/2014 13:24

Another one who thinks you're NBU.
Sounds like diva-ish behaviour from your MIL, and the silent treatment sounds ridiculous.

Could there be something else going on for your MIL that's making her act like this? How do you think she'd explain it if she were posting?

Janethegirl · 08/08/2014 13:25

Maddy it is not all right in my book that visiting relations invite family round to their host's house without checking with said host it is ok.

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2014 13:26

Only on MN!!

The GPs never see these particular grandchildren, so they don't know them very well.
The baby is breastfed and quite clingy
The GPs offered to come, knowing it was MiL's birthday.
They invited people around to a house they don't visit often without asking if it was ok.
They have dished out the silent treatment
They have gone out and arranged to go out, as much as possible.

Any rational GP would have wanted to spend as much time with the DGC they have offered to look after, especially with the parents there, so that the children could get used to them in secure surroundings.

Nothing the GPs have done is in anyway reasonable.

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