to go to the STD clinic?!

[stickystick]

warning - please don't read if you're of delicate disposition

Good evening all. A week ago the father of my 18 mo son blurted out that he was having a relationship with another woman, who is married to someone else. He refused to tell me how long it had been going on.

I was first shocked, and then upset. It has become his custom to come round to visit our son every 2-3 weeks, then make moves on me. I have to confess that I do/did sometimes let him succeed. (No, I'm not proud of this but it's lonely sometimes being a single mother with a baby and I still do find him attractive. I had asked him when this started if he had been sleeping with anyone else and he said no, not for a long time.)

Anyway, shortly after this revelation he left, and I had chance to take the information in. Several thoughts occurred to me during the night:

1. he can't be trusted
2. he isn't telling me the whole truth
3. he does not own, and never uses, condoms
4. so effectively for STI purposes I have been sleeping with him, this other person, the other person's husband, and God knows who else
5. maybe this COULD explain the symptoms that have occurred since we started sleeping together which the GP had thought (without testing) was probably cystitis but has been refusing to respond to the usual antibiotics....

So the next day I made the earliest available appointment (which was for five days later) at the sexual health clinic to go and get tested for everything.

By then my upset had also turned into being rather angry with him - partly because he knows if he'd told me about this 'relationship' before, I would never have slept with him, and partly because he's always telling me he's too busy to see his son for more than an hour every 2-3 weeks because of work and looking after his three teenage children. I rang him up and said how very cross I was, and that I was going to the clinic to find out if his behaviour was the cause of some health issues I'd been having.

He went completely mad and said that

1. I did not have an STD
2. he did not have an STD
3. he'd "never seen anyone with any symptoms of an STD, including [me]"
4. he did not have a "diverse sex life"
5. I was jumping to numerous false assumptions.
6. I was making a fuss over nothing and wasting doctors time
7. I was making up a big drama because I was cross about something he should never have told me
8. there was nothing wrong with me

Despite these charming assurances, I went to the appointment anyway. If the doctor thought I was wasting her time, she didn't let on. She did however ask me a whole bunch of questions about how long and who he had been playing around with - partly to assess risk and also to work out whether the test results will be accurate because there are some nasties that take some time to show up in your blood. Of course I couldn't answer those questions so I have to go back to do it again in a month's time. The other test results won't come through for a week so I have some new broad spectrum antibiotics for the time being because the symptoms were getting really painful. Really the clinic staff were very good and non judgemental but the bad bit was that I had to take the baby with me as I had no childcare yesterday. An STD clinic really is no place for a baby and even though he's only 18 months it wasn't nice to have him there while answering all their questions and being poked and prodded at - he did quite a lot of screaming during the swabbing business and we've got to do it all again in a month :(

After that marathon story, my question to you is, AIBU to go to the STD clinic?

Yanbu - it was a necessity you went

You would be irresponsible NOT to go...

Franksaysno but Sticky sometimes says yes - i don't think she needs her nose rubbing in it

Poor you, you did exactly the right thing!!! Fingers crossed for you that all is well. And FWIW you're a single person and perfectly entitled to sleep with whoever you like and as far as you were concerned he was not sleeping with anyone else.

Of course yanbu. How can you let this turdwipe influence your thinking? Have you never had an sti check before? They should be a normal part of adult life, especially if you never used condoms with your ex. Did you never think of getting tested before going bareback? He could have given you multiple stis from way back when! His reaction shows that he's clearly never had himself tested. I'm honestly shocked that you even ask this question. You didn't know he was fucking someone else but even if he hadn't been, you have been totally irresponsible with your own sexual health as you have fucked him many times with no consideration of your sexual health.

frank that's pretty harsh. I'm sure op is already regretting her actions.

Op you would be unreasonable to not have gone to the std clinic. Not all STDs have symptoms, and as an adult he should know that.

Can a family member look after your dc next time you go?

Yes it was one of those things that needed to be done.. some STDs can wreck your fertility and give you PID.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you :( I hope the results come back clear.. please don't sleep with him anymore, he can't be trusted.

YANBU, you needed to get checked out ASAP. And please from now on take some responsibility for your health and stop sleeping with this man,, it is not worth the risk and you can clearly do better than this lying scum bag anyway.

Of course not, you've done absolutely the right thing. Fingers firmly crossed you are ok xxx

Frank is completely correct and there is really no point pussyfooting around the subject. OP has been really reckless.

How about stop sleeping with men who refuse to use condoms and don't have full sexual health checks before they put their penis in you?

You are right to go to the clinic.

But you had unprotected sex with him. You're not in a relationship with him. That was stupid.

He sounds like an irresponsible prick, btw. Shagging around with no condoms? Pathetic.

You are sleeping with a man with whom you are not in a relationship with. YABU for not insisting he wear a condom. He's a git for sleeping with you on the side if his partner doesn't know but you are just as responsible as he is if you have something.

YANBU you have done the right thing. As gamer said your fertility is at risk as well as your general health.

STI clinic shouldn't hold the stigma that it does. Its not full of slappers and hookers like everyone seems to think. I know lots of people who go for check up between partners or if they are thinking of not using condoms with a new partner. It's sensible to look after your sexual health just as you do your general or dental health etc

BTW the fact your ex never uses condoms and is sleeping with more than one person is yuck and definitely a good reason to get checked out.

YANBU, you did the right thing. Definitely use condoms from now on though if you are going to shag him again since you know he is so lax with his health.

I've gotten tested before just because I was switching to a new partner, and I insisted he do the same. It's not a big deal.

Honestly, I'd stop talking to him about it. Unless you have one, and then he might need to know to get treated, and he'll have to let the OW know as well (and her DH).

Anyway, everyone makes mistakes. Now you know to use a condom from now on.

Stop laying back and spreading your legs

I hate that expression it's horrid and demeaning, definatly invented by a man.

So much for sisterhood.

OP everyone makes mistakes,it was the father of your child FFS and even if it wasn't no one on this site is perfect or has the right to judge you.

YANBU and hope it gets cleared up soon

I think you know you are being reasonable and don't really need to ask here. It is never unreasonable to go for a sexual health check, for any reason.

As for the rest, well I don't think you need the halibut of reality do you? pretty sure you know that you should have used a condom if you were going to sleep with him and I don't think you need people repeating that as I am sure this experience has got that message across to you loud and clear.

I hope that the results come back clear and if they don't it is something easily treatable.

What's done is done, so being judgemental isn't helping. No you are not being Aibu to go to the clinic-they won't judge, they will help you sort out whatever is wrong. You do need though to tell this utter wanker the directions that fuck off is and make sure he goes there. Use condoms in future (and if a partner won't, show him the door)

Sticky you were NBU to go to the GUM clinic and you didn't waste their time at all. Obviously you know what you need to do in future regarding condom use, but in the meantime be kind to yourself.

I wish GUM clinics didn't hold the stigma and embarrassment they do; our genitals are just another part of our bodies that can suffer from infections, that's all, and they aren't necessarily sexually transmitted ones either.

:(
ehric of course I have been tested before. I was tested antenatally, which is routine, and then before that I went at the start of our sexual relationship three years ago so I knew I was going into it with a clean sheet, so to speak.
And before that probably 2-3 more times for the same reason. I had always thought it was a responsible thing to do and I was taken aback by his reaction.

The condoms issue is a tricky one. We were in a monogamous (I thought, although now who knows?) relationship for a year before I became pregnant and we didn't use condoms mainly because he is older and has ED. It is really quite difficult to use them when you have trouble with that. Apart from the practical issue, it draws very obvious attention to the problem, which makes it even worse. I have always known this wasn't an ideal situation but it's such a sensitive topic I didn't want to make an issue out of it. So I took him at his word. Which I now know is BS.

Obviously I have been terribly naive and stupid and I won't be going near him again, or allowing him to come to our home. I don't want to be crazy and hysterical as well by overreacting though.

Yanbu to go to a sexual Heath clinic, it's best to see if you have and treat anything before engaging with sex with another person.

If he has ED, there is still no reason why a femidoms can't be used.

Hopefully nothing will show, however you may not be lucky next time please don't play roulette with your Heath.

YANBU, you did the right thing. It is your ex's fault that you and your son have to go through this, but it's the right thing to do, for both of you.

But as other posters said, insist that any future partner uses protection. Even have some condoms yourself, in case they forget/don't have any. If they refuse to use one, they're not to be trusted!

Going to the sexual health clinic was absolutely the right thing to do. Far better to do it than to stick your head in the sand. I think you were very brave.

That said, please buy a box of condoms and if any future partners don't want to use them, they don't deserve to be your sexual partner. When I was much younger, I got an STI from a guy I slept with who didn't use a condom. It happens to more women than you might think. We just don't talk about it in polite company, because we're embarrassed.

And I'm sorry your ex is such a dickhead.