to go to the STD clinic?!

[stickystick]

warning - please don't read if you're of delicate disposition

Good evening all. A week ago the father of my 18 mo son blurted out that he was having a relationship with another woman, who is married to someone else. He refused to tell me how long it had been going on.

I was first shocked, and then upset. It has become his custom to come round to visit our son every 2-3 weeks, then make moves on me. I have to confess that I do/did sometimes let him succeed. (No, I'm not proud of this but it's lonely sometimes being a single mother with a baby and I still do find him attractive. I had asked him when this started if he had been sleeping with anyone else and he said no, not for a long time.)

Anyway, shortly after this revelation he left, and I had chance to take the information in. Several thoughts occurred to me during the night:

1. he can't be trusted
2. he isn't telling me the whole truth
3. he does not own, and never uses, condoms
4. so effectively for STI purposes I have been sleeping with him, this other person, the other person's husband, and God knows who else
5. maybe this COULD explain the symptoms that have occurred since we started sleeping together which the GP had thought (without testing) was probably cystitis but has been refusing to respond to the usual antibiotics....

So the next day I made the earliest available appointment (which was for five days later) at the sexual health clinic to go and get tested for everything.

By then my upset had also turned into being rather angry with him - partly because he knows if he'd told me about this 'relationship' before, I would never have slept with him, and partly because he's always telling me he's too busy to see his son for more than an hour every 2-3 weeks because of work and looking after his three teenage children. I rang him up and said how very cross I was, and that I was going to the clinic to find out if his behaviour was the cause of some health issues I'd been having.

He went completely mad and said that

1. I did not have an STD
2. he did not have an STD
3. he'd "never seen anyone with any symptoms of an STD, including [me]"
4. he did not have a "diverse sex life"
5. I was jumping to numerous false assumptions.
6. I was making a fuss over nothing and wasting doctors time
7. I was making up a big drama because I was cross about something he should never have told me
8. there was nothing wrong with me

Despite these charming assurances, I went to the appointment anyway. If the doctor thought I was wasting her time, she didn't let on. She did however ask me a whole bunch of questions about how long and who he had been playing around with - partly to assess risk and also to work out whether the test results will be accurate because there are some nasties that take some time to show up in your blood. Of course I couldn't answer those questions so I have to go back to do it again in a month's time. The other test results won't come through for a week so I have some new broad spectrum antibiotics for the time being because the symptoms were getting really painful. Really the clinic staff were very good and non judgemental but the bad bit was that I had to take the baby with me as I had no childcare yesterday. An STD clinic really is no place for a baby and even though he's only 18 months it wasn't nice to have him there while answering all their questions and being poked and prodded at - he did quite a lot of screaming during the swabbing business and we've got to do it all again in a month :(

After that marathon story, my question to you is, AIBU to go to the STD clinic?

I apologise in that case. Your post seemed to suggest that the whole idea was shocking but clearly you have more sense than I had assumed. However did your being sensitive about it equate to not asking hi. Whether he had an STI test? Because judging by his attitude he's never had one and doesn't see why he should.

FFS people how about being understanding and not taking the patronising "you silly girl" shaming line. You're not her fucking mother. The OP regrets her actions, what more do you want? So much for AIBU being a nicer place must be nice to be so perfect.

OP YANBU it's always a good idea to get tested if you are having sex with someone who's seeing other people.

Its not 'shaming' to point out that having unprotected sex with someone that you are not in a relationship with is unwise.

Awful if she has picked up a an STI and feel sorry for her. He sounds like a right charmer . But honestly, as an adult you know that if you have unprotected sex you run the risk of infection.

YANBU, fingers crossed everything is OK

Sti clinics are nice places. Honestly. I go to mine to get contraceptives and smears. (can never get a gp appointment) I wouldn't worry about a baby being in there. Anymore than I would worry about it being in the doctors surgery with me for any other appointment.

Not everyone is there because they have cock rot :)
It's a really non judgy place and they are lovely professionals who put you at ease

maddy68 I know what you mean, in theory you're right. But we live in central London and our clinics are quite... full on? They book about fifty to sixty people in for the same two hour slot, and there are only thirty chairs in the waiting room, so the place is standing room only and boiling hot. There are no childrens toys or books or places for them to wander about. 95% of the other punters on Tuesday were male and, if I am to be honest, looked pretty stressed and were in no mood to have their trousers pawed at by a toddler.

ehric I wish I had asked him if he'd been tested, I suppose I assumed that because I did, everyone did. To be fair he is 12 years older than me and I don't think sex ed existed when and where he was at school. My generation is probably the first to be properly knowledgeable about STDs - we know that it's not just sex workers etc which get them. HE just thinks condoms are for avoiding pregnancies.

It would appear that YABU by not getting your tardis to take you back to before you shagged him so you could not do it.

You were a little reckless to not use condoms but you thought you were OK as you were with a familiar person. Of course, it would appear that some have never shagged someone and wished they hadn't or indeed made any decision they have looked back on in wonder / awe at their own stupidity. Chalk that one up to experience.

YADNBU to manage and protect your own health and physical wellbeing. And your ex doesn't get to have an opinion.

Cripes, no YANBU. He's hit the roof because he knows he's busted, that's all! He suspects your tests are going to come back positive for something 'orrible he's given you, and his lies are going to be irreversibly exposed.

Sorry this has happened to you, and that some posters seem to think it useful to tell you repeatedly that it wasn't a good idea for you to have unprotected sex with him - I think you knew that already somehow...

YADNBU. What impact does your going have on your Ex anyway?

Stop shaming OP she knows she was daft. Get tested and treated if need be, if you are clear still keep his penis away from you because god knows where it's been before putting it in you.

You'd need to be over 70 now to have missed all the 1980s information about the disease prevention role of condoms. And it was well know to the (even older) wartime generation too (covered in training and National Service).

Stop making excuses for him. He knows.

YANBU to get a proper STI screening (and I do hope you're OK).

Be prepared for him to blame you if it does turn out you have an STI. I very much doubt he'll accept any responsibility.

Also, you may know already but you don't have to make an appointment next time... Many STI clinics have a drop in clinic every day at a certain time. I've been in wi appointments, and I've just turned up in the past... It means a bit of a wait but you do get seen eventually.

YANBU

carminerose1978 I think it must vary by area - our clinic only accepts walk ins for the morning after pill or HIV PEP. A friend of mine even tried to get an emergency pregnancy test done today there and she was told to come back on Tuesday with an appointment...

How annoying! I live in the catchment area of a big teaching university hospital, so there are loads of students... That's probably why it's easy to get seen without an appointment.

You'd never BU to come to a sexual health clinic, its a completely ordinary thing to do. My clinic sees hundreds of people a week and a good chunk of them take their babies. We see people for all kinds of reasons and I'd like it if everyone came in regularly, just like you'd go to the dentist.

Your ex partner is a fool, any one who has had sex with any one (unless they were both virgins beforehand) are at risk of STIs. Its a normal part of sex. Most are pretty straight forward to treat.

I'd imagine that when the test results come back if you'll know if you need to change antibiotics. This means that if you are better when you back you might be eligible to take your own swab and hopefully it'll be easier on you and your wee boy.

without being judgey OP, which can be a little prevalent on here i.m.o, YANBU to get a STI check. Look after your health, both physical and emotional and take this as a lesson (it sounds like you have!) to protect yourself, body and heart!

Good luck and I hope you get the results you need x x