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Original poster

How to deal with DS copying his dad's behaviour

40 replies

margerlyfargerly · 07/08/2014 21:27

Not sure where to start. DH & I have been together 18 yrs & have 2 DC - DD who is 6 & DS who is 12. I would describe our relationship as dysfunctional.

DH seems to have many issues concerning money (women who don't work are lazy), parenting styles (apparently, i am too soft on DC so they are spoilt) & how women portray themselves (those who speak out are evil whereas women who act like helpless females are good IYSWIM).

DS is beginning to hit moody teenage phase. Ordinarily, DS idolises DH (I have concerns about DS copying DH's behaviour) & DH seems to revel in the fact that DS can be difficult with me at times. For example, recently we invited family over for a meal (a rare ocassion as DH doesn't like entertaining family). DS was being moody throughout the day towards me & i pulled him up on his behaviour on the 3rd ocassion. DS lost it with me, calling me a bitch Hmm & stormed off. He has never called me that before - i was shocked (but not surprised as he has seen DH verbally abuse me on many ocassions). To my absolute disappointment, DH 'sided' witn DS & said that i was a difficult person & he sympathised with DS. I was devastated as i had
hoped he would back me up as DS had genuinely been rude all day.

Fast forward to today. DH had had words with DS over his attitude & DS has stormed off to his room. DH has announced that yet again this is my fault as DS is spoilt.

For the record, I would not describe our DC as spoilt.

I am fed up with being blamed for everything. I am sick of DH's behaviour in general (another thread in itself).

I guess my main concern is how can I prevent my DS turning into DH. Or is it just teenage behaviour in general?

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 07/08/2014 21:30

Your problem isn't your son. It's your husband, who by the sounds of it is a misogynist twat.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2014 21:32

I would be looking at leaving a man like that, particularly in the light of the way your son is becoming now.

FrankSaysNo · 07/08/2014 21:32

""Give me the child for his first seven years, and I'll give you the man""

Too late.

I'm really very harsh, I would have a bag packed, taking my daughter and leaving the two animals together. Neither of them have any respect for you. But then again, you have facilitated this behaviour for 18 years. Get out now.

Namechangearoonie123 · 07/08/2014 21:33

The short answer is you can't while you choose to live with someone who verbally abuses you.

If you lived on your own with him and your dd you could impose your own house rules.

You will get precisely nowhere with an evil twat like your husband who revels gleefully in undermining you.

Get out.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/08/2014 21:35

Yup, I agree with Frank. Your best bet is to up sticks and leave, with your daughter, so she doesn't grow up thinking it's okay for women to be treated like shit by the men in their lives. Otherwise she'll just end up in a relationship that's as fucked up as yours is and the cycle will go on.

It's probably too late to save your son, I'm afraid.

TequilaMockinBird · 07/08/2014 21:35

Shock You need to leave your husband before your son 'learns' any more.

He sounds like a complete arse. (Your H not your DS!)

GoringBit · 07/08/2014 21:35

OP, what a horrible situation. If you haven't already, I suggest you also post this in Relationships - some very wise people there.

Good luck.

wherethewildthingis · 07/08/2014 21:35

Crikey Frank you can't be serious. The boy is TWELVE. He needs protection, not being abandoned.

trashcanjunkie · 07/08/2014 21:36

Sorry but that's not just normal teenage behaviour, and like the others said, you've basically left it far too late. Also, you're teaching dd this is what a man should treat her like, and thus the cycle continues. If it were me I'd pack bags and leave, with whoever wanted to come, on the proviso of behaving like respectful children.

Fairylea · 07/08/2014 21:37

Your dh is an abusive twat.

The best thing for your son would be for you to leave your dh so he doesn't learn that treating women like this is acceptable and that you won't stand for it.

I'm very angry on your behalf. You should be furious with your dh.

Fairylea · 07/08/2014 21:39

Also please don't let your dd aged 6 think it's acceptable for women to be thought of and treated like this. Give her some sense of self worth by reclaiming your life.

queenofthemountain · 07/08/2014 21:40

He is a teenager and sometimes he will be moody because of his hormones, I think to an extent you have to sometimes let things like this go instead of pulling him up on it, and pick your battles.Calling you a bitch ,on the other hand is bang out of order,and does ned to be addressed but my 2 teenage DSs have done this once or twice in the past, mostly to their sisters, when they have felt particularly slighted, and my DH is the most lovely eventempered polite man you could meet..

Original poster
margerlyfargerly · 07/08/2014 21:40

Sorry I thought I had posted in relationships.

I know deep down it isn't right - it's just the actual finality of leaving.

I am really concerned that DS will end up like DH. Just like my DF is to my DM & the same in DH's family too.

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 07/08/2014 21:42

Your son is the victim of his upbringing, shaped by the example he has been given. You know exactly why your son has no respect for you ( probably all women) and its because your husband displays that contempt and you take it. He thinks thats normal.
You have to choose what you want to do about that.
I assume sitting down with your husband and saying change this would be pointless?

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2014 21:42

Bloody hell!

What exactly would abandoning a 12 year-old teach him about women? That they can't be trusted!

Your husband is clearly never going to support you and he is an appalling role model.

You need to decide whether or not you can put up with it any longer.

DoJo · 07/08/2014 21:42

Honestly - you can't do anything about your son's behaviour as long as you are accepting it from your husband. There is time to change the way your son thinks, but the only way to do so will be to remove the negative influence of your husband as much as possible. Of course, leaving him would be an option, but perhaps if you aren't ready for that then you need to have some frank conversations with your son. I don't think it would be unreasonable of you to point out that your husband is in the wrong to treat you like that, and he is too. You never know, perhaps explaining it to your son will help you to see the reality of your situation and find the strength to either leave your husband or insist that he changes his behaviour.

FrankSaysNo · 07/08/2014 21:43

Crikey Frank you can't be serious. The boy is TWELVE. He needs protection, not being abandoned.

The daughter needs protecting too. The OP wont be able to control the boy (she cant now) he will deck her before long.

Yes, I work in this environment.

Get the girl out now.

Pyjamaramadrama · 07/08/2014 21:43

Have my very first ltb.

Please god don't leave your son with this man.

Run away from this relationship as fast as you can, your kids are being set up for terrible future relationships.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/08/2014 21:45

Your son is already like his father. To prevent it happening you need a time machine I'm afraid, but you might be able to repair some damage by removing yourself and your children from the damaging relationship dynamic you are your husband are modelling.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/08/2014 21:46

What's the point in telling the son he and his father are wrong to treat her that way if she doesn't tell the father too? And accepts it by tacit agreement?

nocoolnamesleft · 07/08/2014 21:46

Your DS is learning how to be a man from your "D"H. If your DS sees his dad belittling you, and dismissing you, verballing abusing you, and denigrating you, then that is how he thinks a real man behaves. If he sees your DH constantly putting women down, and expecting them to be doormats, he will think that this, too, is how real men behave. And, forgive me, but if he sees you putting up with it, then he will assume that the women in his own future should put up with it too.

I'm afraid I agree with Manatee. The problem is not your DS. The problem is the mysoginistic abusive eejit who is his father.

TequilaMockinBird · 07/08/2014 21:48

Your DS WILL end up like your DH, DF etc unless you act now.

Original poster
margerlyfargerly · 07/08/2014 21:50

Thanks for all your comments.

Leaving has been on my mind for a good year now. I think i need to start making some plans as i can't go on like this & nor do i want my daughter to end up in this situation either.

I have told both DC that the way DH speaks to me isn't right & it isn't normal either.

DH seems to think he is the victim in all of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
margerlyfargerly · 07/08/2014 21:52

And yes I do stand up to him but it is impossible to have a reasoned discussion without being called mental & him walking out on me for a few days (& then coming back crying)

OP posts:
Pyjamaramadrama · 07/08/2014 21:52

On what basis does he think he's the victim?

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