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Original poster

How to deal with DS copying his dad's behaviour

40 replies

margerlyfargerly · 07/08/2014 21:27

Not sure where to start. DH & I have been together 18 yrs & have 2 DC - DD who is 6 & DS who is 12. I would describe our relationship as dysfunctional.

DH seems to have many issues concerning money (women who don't work are lazy), parenting styles (apparently, i am too soft on DC so they are spoilt) & how women portray themselves (those who speak out are evil whereas women who act like helpless females are good IYSWIM).

DS is beginning to hit moody teenage phase. Ordinarily, DS idolises DH (I have concerns about DS copying DH's behaviour) & DH seems to revel in the fact that DS can be difficult with me at times. For example, recently we invited family over for a meal (a rare ocassion as DH doesn't like entertaining family). DS was being moody throughout the day towards me & i pulled him up on his behaviour on the 3rd ocassion. DS lost it with me, calling me a bitch Hmm & stormed off. He has never called me that before - i was shocked (but not surprised as he has seen DH verbally abuse me on many ocassions). To my absolute disappointment, DH 'sided' witn DS & said that i was a difficult person & he sympathised with DS. I was devastated as i had
hoped he would back me up as DS had genuinely been rude all day.

Fast forward to today. DH had had words with DS over his attitude & DS has stormed off to his room. DH has announced that yet again this is my fault as DS is spoilt.

For the record, I would not describe our DC as spoilt.

I am fed up with being blamed for everything. I am sick of DH's behaviour in general (another thread in itself).

I guess my main concern is how can I prevent my DS turning into DH. Or is it just teenage behaviour in general?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 07/08/2014 21:53

Frank I strongly disagree.

I have experience of working with vulnerable women and children fleeing domestic abuse situations and most refuges accept that a boy of 12 is still a boy and is considered suitable for admission to a refuge with his mother and other children. A boy of 12 is not beyond redeeming. At all. No one should be suggesting giving up on this child.

12 is often the cut off age to place a boy in a refuge (dependent on area etc) so op if you do want some help to leave please do so sooner rather than later - emotional abuse and misogyny is still abuse. Womens aid can give you some great advice.

Original poster
margerlyfargerly · 07/08/2014 21:54

I have no idea why he thinks he's a victim.

He has experienced a lot of bereavements in his time & has big issues with anyone trying to 'control' him

OP posts:
Fairylea · 07/08/2014 21:56

He's just manipulating you. Trying to make you feel bad so you don't leave.

Pyjamaramadrama · 07/08/2014 22:04

He might be younger than 12.

wherethewildthingis · 07/08/2014 22:08

Frank I work in this environment too- I am a children's social worker. You are talking about demonizing a child because he is acting out the emotional harm he has suffered at the hands of an abusive parent. And I find the idea that a twelve year old can't change deeply offensive. He is a child. There are services out there to support him along with his mother and sister and they should all get some help.
Sorry OP to hijack your thread but that needed saying.

Pyjamaramadrama · 07/08/2014 22:11

I agree although now would be a good time to start providing both children with the nurturing environment that they need. Before it is too late.

DoJo · 07/08/2014 22:12

What's the point in telling the son he and his father are wrong to treat her that way if she doesn't tell the father too?

Because, as I said, sometimes it is when you find yourself explaining something like that to someone that you truly realise how important it is to change things. Her son may be behaving like his father, but he knows on some level it isn't right and could be an ally in helping the OP to make changes.

WellnowImFucked · 07/08/2014 22:15

You know what, next time he walks out, change the locks

notmyproblem · 07/08/2014 22:40

You can't have a "reasoned discussion" with an abuser. It's not possible, sorry.

Give up trying to convince or change him and instead put all your energies in your plan to get out, and take your kids with you. Your son will be a lot of work but it's still possible to save him if you can stay strong. Your daughter probably unconsciously is already becoming a victim but getting her out now means she can unlearn that pretty easily.

flyingtrue · 07/08/2014 22:58

At the moment your son will definitely become his father. If you leave your H your son could well be changed, I think you would need a lot of help and counselling to get the support you need to get him to change with ex still in the picture-which will be very hard but not impossible. Also it shows your DD to not be treated this way, that the way her father acts and who her brother is becoming is wrong and that's just as important.

You cannot change his mind, he can only change yours with manipulations. Perhaps speak to Woman's aid and get an idea of how to leave if it's the act itself that is very difficult. If you are wanting to leave, if you want to make a change for your life and theirs then womans Aid can advise you on what steps you can take. Legally and emotionally.

NinjaPanda34 · 07/08/2014 23:21

Does your DS have any other role models? Maybe an ideal time to get him to army cadets? Sorted out a few boys in my school, turned them into young men and gave them a focus and the discipline that they needed.
Your H sounds horrible :( hope it all works out, you are worth so much more.

cestlavielife · 07/08/2014 23:45

You need to remove yourself and dc from this. You are teaching them at yeh you know it's wrong but all you can do is shrug and put up with this...wrong. You have choices.

Crystalballs · 07/08/2014 23:48

I would begin by no longer accepting this behaviour from DH and also explaining to DS why this isn't the right way to view things.

Do you have any men in the family that would be better role models that he can look to?

ADHDNoodles · 08/08/2014 02:18

Don't have children with a man that you wouldn't be proud to have as your son.

If you continue to let DS around him, he may well become him. He, right or wrong is the male role model in DS's life right now. You might want to limit contact. Also, you don't want DD to internalize that attitude of learned helplessness either. You're teaching her to put up with it.

You don't have to put up with his behavior. But, doing so can have consequences for you and your children.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 08/08/2014 13:29

Hi margerlyfargerly,

We can see you're receiving some good advice here, but if you'd like us to move your thread to our Relationships topic, please drop us a line. Flowers

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