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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that 4 year old DS1 has come out of nursery with a bite mark on his arm?

47 replies

MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/08/2014 18:45

I signed an accident form but the mark is still very visible? Nursery didn't disclose who had bitten him but DS1 did and it's a boy of his own age who unfortunately has a reputation as being a bit violent.

DS1 is leaving at the end of the month anyway but surely it's not right that a bite should still be visible now? Or AIBPFB?

OP posts:
WaxyDaisy · 07/08/2014 18:47

Yabu

It is shocking, and you would be within your rights to ask exactly what happened, and what steps they are taking to prevent it again. However, this is jot particularly uncommon behaviour in nursery-aged children, whether or not they attend a nursery. Shit happens.

Hope he's not too sore and that the mark goes down soon.

WaveorCheer · 07/08/2014 18:49

How is it simultaneously shocking and also not unusual? [confused

Muskey · 07/08/2014 18:51

Unfortunately biting is very common especially in the under fives thankfully they do tend to grow out of it. I was devastated when I found out my child had bitten someone else and I was distraught when another child had bitten her. It is just what some children do. I hope his arm gets better soon.

fasterthanthewind · 07/08/2014 18:52

Bites are horrible - my eldest DS has often been bitten, sometimes really very nastily. They're shocking for everyone.

Nursery/school can't tell you who did it, and if it's a one-off, then I'd leave it be. If it happens again, or if it really is part of a pattern (you say the child has a reputation?) then I'd be asking about what they are doing to stop this happening and keep other children safe etc. etc.

If it's horrible being bitten/being the parent of the bitten child, I think it's far far worse being the parents of a biter...

Sirzy · 07/08/2014 18:52

Unfortunately when groups of young children combine there is always a risk one will hurt another. Sounds like nursery dealt with it.

No way should they tell other people who it was, that is between the staff and the parents of that child.

SoonToBeSix · 07/08/2014 18:53

It's not shocking ffs biting is very normal in nursery age children. It isn't nice when your child gets bit but neither is it a big deal. Calling the boy a bit violent at four years old is ott.

fasterthanthewind · 07/08/2014 18:53

Of course it can be both shocking and usual - it's very shocking for the child who is bitten. And horrifying when it first happens to your DC. But it is also common...

JumpRope · 07/08/2014 18:54

It does happen in nurseries. DS went to nursery for a few weeks only, I hated that kind of thing, and me not having been there to see what went on. The nursery workers sometimes said they "hadn't seen" what happened.

School are much better - DS in reception now, and DD in pre-school, and I just have so much more confidence in them that they are on top of what each child is doing.

SirChenjin · 07/08/2014 18:55

It's horrible behaviour - but unfortunately very common. You are quite within your rights to ask how the nursery dealt with it, and what they will do to ensure it doesn't happen again, but there are no guarantees. I hope it goes down soon and that he's OK.

HaroldLloyd · 07/08/2014 18:56

I've had a biter and now I have a bitee.

It does happen, as DS is known to bite (very rarely now) I am sure to tell them so he can be supervised more closely. He's bitten a couple of children but since it was flagged they have been great at avoiding any incidents.

It's also common practise not to tell parents who has bitten the child.

Cyclebump · 07/08/2014 18:58

DS got a horribly deep scratch on his face in his first week at nursery. I was really upset and it took ages to heal. However, DS was a biter when 18 months and injured a couple of children. Luckily their parents were very understanding and, after some very hard work, he stopped doing it.

YANBU to be upset, it's never nice when your child is hurt, but these things happen.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/08/2014 19:00

I guess my neither of mine have been biters, and I imagined it was a lot more common in under 2s than at 4.

Sadly he has got a reputation, invariably if DS1 has been hurt, it's this child; it got so bad that DS1 was in tears going to nursery because he was afraid this child would hurt him. When I spoke to nursery before they said that they were aware of this child's behaviour and it wasn't anything personal to DS1. My friend also has a child at the same nursery and her daughter is always saying how like her older brother (who has severe autism) this child is.

Unfortunately DS1 has told me this child has hurt him when it wasn't true (luckily I asked rather than go in guns blazing) so I'm not sure whether to raise it or not, I don't want to seem like I'm on a witch hunt.

It's just he's never been bitten before where the mark was still visible hours after it had been done.

OP posts:
hiccupgirl · 07/08/2014 19:01

My DS was bitten by one of his friends at nursery when they were 3.5 - they were fighting over a toy and the other boy snapped first. The bite mark was clearly visible for 2-3 days even though the skin was broken - there was a lot of bruising as the other boy had bitten pretty hard.

It's not good that it happens but it's not unusual for some under 5s to bite when they get angry or carried away.

hiccupgirl · 07/08/2014 19:02

The skin was NOT broken!

Thurlow · 07/08/2014 19:03

It's biting. It's horrible but it happens. DD has been bitten and has done the biting. Both are unpleasant. The only thing nurseries, parents and childminders can do is all agree on what discipline will be involved if it's seen. Though it's now always seen - DD got a massive bite the other day but didn't cry so no one knew it was happening or who did it.

It's normal to really hate that your child has been bitten - but what else would you like to happen?

DikTrom · 07/08/2014 19:04

It is not normal whatsoever is nursery age children. Out of a group of 90 nursery children we only had one biting incident in a whole year.

It is an issue of identifying problem children at an early stage and keeping a close eye on them somyoumcan intervene in a timely manner. All those people who think that this is acceptable behaviour and tolerate this behaviour of their little darlings have something to urgently address. At our school a biting incident where a child was actually bitten would be escalated with the Head asking the parents of the children involved asked to come in and discuss a way forward. We are talking about fully verbal children who should know right from wrong by now. They are NOT two year olds anymore. I find it shocking that people think this is normal behaviour for four year olds.

Paloma12 · 07/08/2014 19:05

I would seriously get over it. My little girl was bitten hard by her best friend at nursery , in a dispute over who go to hold a stick !!! I was obviously concerned about her arm, but to be honest I didn't think a lot about the little boy who had bitten her - they're only toddlers !

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/08/2014 19:05

What do you think should have been different here? Unfortunately some kids bite. That's a fact of life.

Viviennemary · 07/08/2014 19:06

Four year olds shouldn't be biting. I've heard of two's and under biting but at the age of four. I think you are quite right to be concerned OP. It is not acceptable behaviour by any means.

HaroldLloyd · 07/08/2014 19:07

It's not a matter of tolerating the behaviour in our little darlings, which is a ludicrous comment as they are in the care of professionals at the time so there is actually nothing that could be done about it.

DS and his biting was not tolerated, trust me.

LynetteScavo · 07/08/2014 19:07

Two of my DC have been bitten... Both were school age, both through clothes and were left bruised. So I guess it's reasonably common behaviour. Nursery shouldn't have told you who did it, buts hold reassure you they will be keeping a very close eye on the perpetrator.

Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/08/2014 19:08

Ok so it's ok to be upset about it but there's nothing I can do? I suppose I just would like to know how they dealt with the biter, but I guess they can't tell me that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/08/2014 19:09

And nursery didn't tell me who did it, it was DS1 who did.

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 07/08/2014 19:11

You could ask, I know DS got a time out & taking tooand very close monitoring after any of his incidents.

But I mean as upsetting as it is if it's a one off I wouldn't be that concerned they are not handling it properly, especially if this boy does hit.

DikTrom · 07/08/2014 19:13

You can ask his teacher what they are going to do to prevent him being bitten again. We had strict rules on how to deal with potential offenders, eg keep a close eye on them in situations which may cause them to lose their temper, keeping them in a separate group away from a potential victim, repeat warnings and lots of stories about playing nicely, being nice to each other and,what to do in case of disagreements (eg go to the teacher straight away).