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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make DH say something to his mother

35 replies

Darquesse · 07/08/2014 15:31

Lots of issues in the past and many a thread here have led to me and mil being no contact. Ds was also no contact until April when dp and I had a heart to heart and I relented because it meant so much to dp for his mother and son to have a relationship.

dp has another daughter from a previous relationship. This hold is taken abroad every year, trips out, spends lots of time with mil, being collected from school for tea etc etc. Mil helped dp's ex to do dsd birthday party, all the food etc and obviously attended and bought her a tablet as a gift. Dsd is 6.

It was ds's birthday last month. Mil was invited to his party at our house but decided not to come. she won't come to our house so she didn't see ds on or around his birthday at all. Infact she didn't see him until 2 weeks later when dp took him to her house. She didn't even buy him a gift. Nothing, nit so much as a colouring book from poundland for her grandsons birthday.

So would I be unreasonable to make dp speak to his mum about not treating his children equally ir even something approaching fairly! It makes my blood boil. Ds is only 2 but I don't want him growing up seeing his sister being treated as a princess and him the poor relation!

There are two more grandchildren that get treated similar to dsd although dsd is certainly the favourite. The other two grandchildren and their mother (sil) live with mil.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 07/08/2014 15:36

There HAS to be a reason for this. Do you get along with her?

WeirdCatLady · 07/08/2014 15:36

I think if you are NC with her then she wouldn't want to come to your house, even for a birthday party.
It sounds like she is pissed off about the NC time and may be holding herself back from getting too attached to your ds in case he is taken away again.
You could get your dh to say something to her but, to be fair, you do sound a bit grabby, moaning about a lack of present, when they have only just restarted their relationship.

Yama · 07/08/2014 15:38

I don't know why but I feel sorry for your MIL.

Your dh clearly wants a relationship with her but this can't happen in his house.

Perhaps she felt nervous about buying her grandson a present because of your reaction. Perhaps not. She may know exactly what she is doing.

Either way, your hatred of MIL is probably going to be a hindrance to your son's relationship with her.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 07/08/2014 15:38

Well if you and her are nc I can understand her not coming to his party but no gift is extremely unfair and yes your dp should say something

momnipotent · 07/08/2014 15:40

You could get your DH to say something but in reality it may not make any difference. Same situation here, DH has spoken up and nothing changed. After 12 years of it I am used to it, expect nothing from her but also make no effort to encourage her relationship with my children. She wants to pick favourites then she can, but then she doesn't also get to have a great relationship with my children (and nor is she interested in having one, clearly).

BarbarianMum · 07/08/2014 15:40

Difficult situation.

As you are nc with her I understand why she won't come to your house and by default your ds' party. YABU about that.

Re the presents I suspect you have a point but what do you think will happen if you get your husband to have a word? You may be in the unenviable position of choosing bw explaining to your son why he is less favoured than his sister or explaining why she sees grandma and he doesn't Sad

Original poster
Darquesse · 07/08/2014 15:42

Its not the lack of present its the fact that the children are treated so differently. Like I said the effort of coming to see him and a toy from poundland would have done.

The birthday party invitation was an olive branch seeing as how dp is desperate to have a relationship. She has always been 'allowed' to come to our house, it was her who told me and my children not to go to her house.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 07/08/2014 15:43

Honestly? You are NC with MIL - so she doesn't come to your house. Seems simple enough.

She didn't see her grandson until your DP decided to take him there. Whose fault is that? Like you said, she doesn't come to your house. How else would she have seen him until DP chose to take him there?

Knowing that she wasn't going to see him, she didn't buy a present.

The grandchildren who live with her, and the one who already spends a lot of time with MIL get a lot more time, attention, gifts etc. Are you surprised?

It's sad that things reached a point where you decided to go NC, but obviously you had reasons that wree important to you. But you can hardly think that is going to have zero impact on how her relationship with your DS has to be negotiated, or that it maybe is never going to be straightforward and easy on either side.

rumbleinthrjungle · 07/08/2014 15:44

Yes, your MiL's choices and behaviours are obviously your fault and responsibility, and she is the victim here OP.

So that's you sorted. Confused

Original poster
Darquesse · 07/08/2014 15:45

For those feeling sorry for mil, our problems have been well discussed on mumsnet under name changes and believe me I have almost unanimously been told that I am not unreasonable. The woman is evil. Infact at the time of letting ds resume a relationship I was warned it would end badly and I should remain no contact. Oh how I wish I had listened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Darquesse · 07/08/2014 15:48

Thanks Rumble I was a bit Confused myself.

MIL and I are no contact because she told me to take my fucking kids and fuck off. Which I did. She was never told not to come to my house and was infact told several times if she wanted to see ds, she knew where we live. I haven't banned the woman from my door or whatever.

OP posts:
itiswhatitiswhatitis · 07/08/2014 15:55

I think you need to tell your dp that if you mil won't treat the children equally then you will return to nc with your son. If she wants a relationship with your ds it should be equal or not at all.

This stuff hits a nerve as my mil favours SIL's dc massively despite there being no fall out among us. Fortunately it is less noticeable now SIL children are late teens and have less interest in being around GP's. It's a horrible situation because it makes you then feel negatively towards the favoured child even though you know really it's not their fault.

PleaseJustShootMeNow · 07/08/2014 15:56

Sorry but I think YABU. You can't have it both ways, MIL kept firmly at a distance when it suits and then moaning about her lack of involvement when it doesn't.

BarbarianMum · 07/08/2014 15:59

That's not fair OP. It sounded from your earlier post that you had chosen to go nc and you haven't linked to any previous threads.

Original poster
Darquesse · 07/08/2014 16:03

Sorry Barbarian I didn't mean to be misleading. Here is the thread I started when I decided to go no contact after being told to fuck off.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1815689-To-change-me-childcare-arrangements-Inlaw-related#40612870

Although by no contact what I mean is I refused for me or any of my children to go to her house. Sorry I should have been clearer about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Darquesse · 07/08/2014 16:07

Itiswhatitis I agree completely. That is what I feel like saying to DP.

Please the whole point of being nc is so that ds cant see how differently he is treated. I never moaned about her being uninvolved. However she convinced dp that she wanted a relationship with ds, she has been given that chance and is treating him differently. That is what I am moaning about.

OP posts:
EllaMenopy · 07/08/2014 16:13

It sounds like your MIL has gone NC with you, to be honest. You've had a major disagreement, she told you to eff off and you were glad to. The feeling seemed to be mutual. And now you've "offered an olive branch", and she's declined to take it.

It's not very nice of her to involve your child in the dispute between the two of you, but she has, and there's not much you can do about it. You can ask your DH to try discussing it with her, but jumping in and telling her off probably won't achieve anything more than you already have. She may have just chosen to maintain a close relationship with her older grandchild, and considers her relationship with your son a casualty of the ill feeling between you.

If you (&/or DH) feel very strongly about it, I'm sure you could work on improving things with MIL, but it will take time. And might not end up the way you'd like.

AMumInScotland · 07/08/2014 16:16

I wasn't feeling sorry for your MIL, just baffled about what the terms of being 'NC' were and why you were surprised that she didn't come to your house.

If your DP wants to have a relationship with her, I don't think you can veto it. Ditto if he wants your DS to have a relationship with her. But maybe you can work on getting DP to recognise how hurtful and damaging it is for a child to be treated unfairly, and ask himself why exactly he thinks it is better for DS to have such a crappy relationship with someone he must see is not a good person to be around.

Original poster
Darquesse · 07/08/2014 16:21

It was someone else who felt sorry for mil Amuminscotland

I will definitely work on Dp, he doesn't even notice how ds gets treated differently and if he does it is somehow my fault.

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Fairylea · 07/08/2014 16:46

I have a similar situation with my mum and my dd from a previous relationship and my ds in my current marriage. Ds is 2, dd is 11. My mum worships dd. But hates my dh and treats ds very unequally. We have told her if she cannot treat them the same then she will not have contact with either of them. For a while we actually intercepted presents to dd (if there were none for ds, Christmas etc) and returned them to her. She is slowly getting the message and things are better.

Your dp needs to back you up and spell it out to his mother.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/08/2014 17:25

I feel sorry for your husband actually, OP. Would it occur to you to find somewhere else to be so that his mother and his son can visit at the family home? You don't 'make' an adult do something either, you just don't.

I understand that you want to 'go no contact' but sorry, that just doesn't work in every scenario and it has ramifications that you may not have considered. Your son has the right to a relationship with his grandparents if they aren't abusive; let your husband manage it and speak to his parents accordingly. You can make the point about fair treatment but you don't get to police it.

If you're going to be 'no contact' then be no contact and let your husband manage the relationship because it's nothing to do with you now, is it?

RedToothBrush · 07/08/2014 17:56

You are NC for your own reasons, and call her 'evil'.

Yet you want her to have a relationship with your son.

Sorry, but thats a bit weird. If she's 'evil' why do you want her to be there for your son?

It doesn't sound like she would be doing the right thing, no matter what she did, as it would upset you one way or another.

I think you need to decide what you really want here.

Being NC might be the right thing, but if you decide to do that, you have to appreciate that WILL have an impact on the relationship your son has with your MIL, and its unrealistic to assume she will treat both grandchildren equally, because the situation which each grandchild is completely different.

deakymom · 07/08/2014 18:33

what im seeing is not many people have read the updates and your first post was not clear i remember your original posts why the fuckedy fuck did you offer her an olive branch?

she is going to make life a misery

im interested in how your DH will make this one your fault

Montegomongoose · 07/08/2014 18:42

If she's so 'evil' then maybe an olive branch wasn't the best plan.

I don't think you can have it both ways.

If you'e NC, I'm not sure you're in any position to gabe expectations about her behaviour or what she hits for your children.

Perhaps cultivate relationships for your DS with less complicated people who can act as surrogate GPs as he grows up.

A friend of mine still sees a teacher and neighbour as family and she has had relationships with then for over 30 years.

Original poster
Darquesse · 07/08/2014 19:35

Lying it does have to do with me when it is my son wondering why he is not treated like his sister. Yes he is two and doesn't understand but children have a very strong sense of what the see as fair.

RedToothBrush I don't want her to have a relationship with my son, but since I Am being pushed into letting her, I feel that she should treat them fairly.

Deaky Thank you. I just feel so helpless, Dp has really pushed for contact for ds and even though I know its a bad idea I cant seem to get him to come round. Whatever she does is brushed off with 'but she's ny mum'. I would love to separate from him but then his mum would get even more access to my son and I wouldn't get any say at all. I'm stuck either way.

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