AIBU to make DH say something to his mother

[Darquesse]

Lots of issues in the past and many a thread here have led to me and mil being no contact. Ds was also no contact until April when dp and I had a heart to heart and I relented because it meant so much to dp for his mother and son to have a relationship.

dp has another daughter from a previous relationship. This hold is taken abroad every year, trips out, spends lots of time with mil, being collected from school for tea etc etc. Mil helped dp's ex to do dsd birthday party, all the food etc and obviously attended and bought her a tablet as a gift. Dsd is 6.

It was ds's birthday last month. Mil was invited to his party at our house but decided not to come. she won't come to our house so she didn't see ds on or around his birthday at all. Infact she didn't see him until 2 weeks later when dp took him to her house. She didn't even buy him a gift. Nothing, nit so much as a colouring book from poundland for her grandsons birthday.

So would I be unreasonable to make dp speak to his mum about not treating his children equally ir even something approaching fairly! It makes my blood boil. Ds is only 2 but I don't want him growing up seeing his sister being treated as a princess and him the poor relation!

There are two more grandchildren that get treated similar to dsd although dsd is certainly the favourite. The other two grandchildren and their mother (sil) live with mil.

Montego I think that is a good idea. There aren't really and grandparent relationship on my side either so surrogates will be good.

Fairy glad to see your situation is getting better!

I can see why you feel aggrieved but I don't understand how you can make your DP say something. Either he wants to say something or he doesn't. I'm guessing you've already told him how you feel so the only step I would be taking would be to ask him how he feels about the disparity and how he plans to respond.
I'm worried that by reestablishing contact situations like this are going to keep happening ie yourself and MIL disagreeing, your DH sitting in the middle. You both have to think about how this can work. Maybe your no contact should mean not engaging with any of it. Your DCs will reach their own opinion about their gran when they are older. After all, the lack of present won't have upset your DC. I wouldn't be giving MIL the satisfaction of seeing it had upset me and caused a potential argument with DP.

Darquesse... You misunderstand what I'm saying. The reason why you are 'no contact' with your MIL doesn't really matter, I'm sure you have your reasons BUT, what you've done is to divest yourself of any responsibility of any relationships with your MIL by doing so.

It's not easy. Maintaining relationships is very hard but, if you expect a relationship between MIL and your children, you're the one that will have to bend if you want to input to that. Something's gone awry. Your MIL has relationships with her other grandchildren, presumably she isn't 'evil' to them.

All I'm saying is think about it, think about what you want because the way this is going is bad and it will be your relationship with your husband that will probably suffer whilst you're at odds.

Be very sure that what you are doing is what's best for your children (who are still allowed to see their grandmother), rather than what's best to placate you and how you feel.

The upshot is, you DON'T have control of your MIL or husband and, ultimately, your children.

I'm not sure I understand at all Lying I don't want my son to have a relationship with her, but she apparently wants one. Dp has made it clear that he wants them to have one. All I expect is that if he has to be exposed to them, he is treated fairly and not noticeably different to his own sister.

I think that not being made to feel like the black sheep is best for my child.

And no shevis not evil to those grandchildren, not at all, because their parents do as they are told and have handed control of their children to mil.

I have read over some of my old threads and I really need to get both nil and dp out of my life!

To be honest I think if I was the MIL I would be scared of founding a bond and getting gifts ect.

How do you know she hasn't put money in a trust fund.

I absolutely agree with you about the fairness side of things, Darquesse and my comments are such because your DP is forcing things. If you stay together, you don't have a choice - if you split as you suggest you might, it will all be so much easier for you and you WILL have control.

I wish you well and you DO have my sympathies.

Darquess I don't think YABU at all.

I speak from experience of the same thing on both sides of the family, unfortunately. My DC are treated very differently to their cousins (so not as bad as siblings) by my parents and PILs. It has come to a head now as my DC noticed as they got older and questioned it.

I am nc with my parents over it, they refused to change their ways so it was easier. DH and DS2 still have a relationship with PILs, DS1 will phone occasionally, I don't bother with them because MIL was abusive to me.

I do think it can be hard to understand situations like these when you don't have experience of them.

Thanks Lying I don't think I could see where you were coming from and jumped to the defensive. I am just so fed up of dealing with these people.

IcanSee I know she hasn't because I know her and how she works.

I'm not some horrible mil hater, I actively encourage my oldest two dc to have a relationship with their grandmother, my ex mil. She was there to see my eldest being born. But she treats them fairly and although she gives advice and her opinions she doesn't try to control our lives.

TheFairyCaravan sorry to hear you are dealing with this too, its so frustrating!

You can't expect people to turn their emotions on and off at your whim.Why would she want to emotionally invest in your DS if you might go NC again.