Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be annoyed that i have come home to find BIL in my sitting room

80 replies

trufflehunterthebadger · 06/08/2014 23:02

BIL and SIL live with us. They pay £500 per month for 2 rooms, bathroom, bills and dinner every day. Which is cooked for them. They have their own living room with tv, sky, x box etc. we have a living room downstairs which is our living room

I have been on a course this evening and was looking forward to lying on the sofa in my pants with cava watching some tv. I find that DBIL has covered my living room in his ironing and has just started watching a film. I am now really fucked off because i will either have to go to my bedroom or i will have to ask him to move as i (a) have things i need to do in the living room (b) don't want to watch what he is watching. This is a constant source of irritation but DH does not seem to care, jsut says i should ask him to move. I don't want to do this, i am fed up with it and i always feel rude asking

To put it into perspective we also have 4 foreign students and a 4 year old so quiet time is very rare for me. AIBU to expect that DBIL should be watching his own tv in his own lounge, not preventing me from watching mine or having to be asked to vacate

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 07/08/2014 05:51

Bloody yell, they're already having a complete bargain by having their dinner cooked for them. Put a lock on the door, but yes, no idea why he thinks it's ok to enter your private space.

CafeAuLaitMerci · 07/08/2014 06:23

Oh and I forgot to say...

500 for both of them, per month? Approx 65 each per week? 2 rooms, bathroom, bills and dinner cooked for them?? Are you mad? That's not enough, surely, to make this arrangement worth your while? It's one thing not to make a profit from family if you are 'helping them out' - but as you are cooking their meals etc it sounds like a lodger situation that you should be benefitting from rather than just letting them stay while they sort themselves out.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 07/08/2014 06:24

Bloody hell that would all driver nuts.

Bil/sil foreign students, sounds like hell in earth.

Personally I would sell up and buy a smaller property just for you, dd and your dh.

I couldn't stand locks on doors in my own house.

Really curious as to why you live like this and why you do all the cooking? Is there a menu or do you just cook what you choose and they eat it? Doesn't to your sil hate this arrangement too?

Really op must be bloody awful

StealthPolarBear · 07/08/2014 06:27

I get you op.
I am an only child and I'm sure dh would expect me to lounge in my pants in front of family - he doesn't understand that I can only actually relax on my own or with him / Dcs . Anyone else is a guest!

StealthPolarBear · 07/08/2014 06:28

Maybe not literally in my pants but he doesn't modify his behaviour when family are over and doesn't get that I do

CafeAuLaitMerci · 07/08/2014 06:29

I disagree that you need locks, you don't, you need to make the boundaries clear - that's all. Who on earth wants to be faffing around with locking internal doors in their own home simply because their BIL needs to have it explained to him that the lounge is 'out of bounds'? Talk about using a hammer to crack an egg.

Surfsup1 · 07/08/2014 06:35

We all agree with that Cafe, but if the OP is not willing to discuss it with BIL then maybe she needs to resort to passive aggressive techniques like locks!? I think most people are suggesting locks as a subtle way of pointing out that talking to him really might be the better option. ;)

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 07/08/2014 06:39

I wonder what the sil makes of it all?

I would hate to basically rent rooms in my sils house and she cooked for me.

I would feel like a child.

Op who suggested this whole situation and what's the upside for you guys here?

TobyZiegler · 07/08/2014 06:46

Gosh living with BIL and SIL and 4 foreign students would drive me absolutely insane. I'm guessing you need them as tenants rather that want them?

You own the house tell your BIL 'look, you have your own living room, this living room is mine, DH's and DC's, it's our personal space. Use your own living room and stop coming in this one or I'll get a lock put on the door.'

Woman up! Tell him!

George9978 · 07/08/2014 06:49

You should have a conversation with them to define the boundaries.

Really you need to be blunt. Walk in and ask " why are you in my living room? I'm watching bridges jones tonight." switch the tv off and stare hard him.

Repeat every time he is in your lounge.

I would live in a shoe box before I shared my house, I can't relax with guests. I'm hoping your trying to pay your mortgage off in two years or something, and can then evict them all.

Original poster

trufflehunterthebadger · 07/08/2014 12:19

Hi all
To answer a few questions

it was a joint decision. We moved last year and decided to go for a much bigger place so we could have students etc. we pay £500 a month more for this house than our old house but it is 4 times the size. We have a large "suite" consisting of bedroom, balcony, office and bathroom to ourselves. The kitchen is bigger than the downstairs of our old house. We have a very big garden, summerhouse, vegetable plot, large garage. So the sacrifice of sharing the space is worth it. The money from the students /bil means we basically live rent free as the income pays the rent. We own another property and are saving to purchase this one in 3-4 years time. Next week we will halve our student numbers as we will not have the young summer students but older long-termers
SIL is quite happy having her meals cooked for her ! they lived in a tiny 2 room bedsit before and are saving for their wedding and their own place. She is a nursing student so they survive on his salary and grants. We are happy tp give them a helping hand with cheap rent. Cooking for everyone actually works out better for us as we were very lazy before - we eat a much healthier diet now. And i often get home to find her watching hollyoaks in our lounge - we had words when she told DD that she couln't watch her programme because she was watching hollyoaks.
yes i do most of the household management, i'm happy with this as i am good at it :)

I'm sure my life sounds chaotic and horrifically busy, it certainly is at the moment ! I don't mind it most of the time but the one thing that riles is not being able to use my own tv when i want !

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2014 12:24

I don't understand, though, why you've never said anything about this. Your living room isn't her living room, is it? She has her own. Is your TV better than hers or something?

And aren't all nursing students on NHS grants?

KateMoose · 07/08/2014 12:26

Have you watched Bridesmaids? your situation reminds me of the herione's flatmates...

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 07/08/2014 12:26

Why csn you have words with her on your DD's behalf but not with him on your own behalf, do you think?

Assume your lounge is bigger or something?!

Original poster

trufflehunterthebadger · 07/08/2014 12:30

Yes and theirs is a mess ! Ours is on the ground floor, i don't mind them using it when we aren't there but it irritates me to find them in there when they know i'm coming home. I think they just find it comfier, cleaner and tidier making it a nicer place to sit

OP posts:

NotAnotherPackedLunchBox · 07/08/2014 12:31

Can you put a password on your TV?
Or at least set it up so the only channels without a password are the children's channels.

Original poster

trufflehunterthebadger · 07/08/2014 12:31

She gets more due to learning support for dyslexia

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 07/08/2014 12:33

yasoooo nbu.

you absolutely need your own space. i know you don't like telling them to piss off, but if you don't they'll continue.

at the next meal i think you should say:

'guys, i love having you here and i think it's working out really well. only thing is i need my living room in the evenings. i need to just be on my own and watch my own crap without having to ask or check with anyone. i get so little time to myself that this has become a really big issue for me. i would like our arrangement to continue, because i love having you around, but i would really like you to respect my space.'

i reckon they'd be mortified and want to fix this.

or when the opportunity arises and you're talking about how things are working, bring it up.

tbh i think they're not thinking, and i'm sure once they know how you feel they'll be happy to oblige. it'll be awkward for a week or two, but it'll settle down.

Original poster

trufflehunterthebadger · 07/08/2014 12:33

That sounds fine except DH will just give them the code. I guess the main issue really boils down to DH not understanding my pov and not considering it an issue - if DH and BIL are home together they will be downstairs in the living room watching top gear together.

I'm just not very sociable lol

OP posts:

Nomama · 07/08/2014 12:33

i don't mind them using it when we aren't there

That's your problem. You have not made your space exclusively your space. You have allowed them to use it, so they are.

You know you are going to have to have a row talk about this, don't you? They won't know they have to stop unless you tell them that it is not their space and they are not welcome unless invited in.

2rebecca · 07/08/2014 12:35

You just make it clear that although they are family they are living with you as lodgers and that you need some privacy if you are going to continue having lodgers and could they please respect your personal space and not use your sitting room and use their own.
It's no use saying they can use it when you aren't there as they'll go in there when you aren't there and be there when you come home.
If they weren't family you'd have a "this is my sitting room, this is yours" policy, you need to be sure they understand that.
It's no use silently seething, tell them it's your room not theirs. They aren't family guests staying for a few days they are long term lodgers.

Original poster

trufflehunterthebadger · 07/08/2014 12:35

I love that eddie - great wording and it does really sum it up. I don't want to ban them from the front room, DSIL and i will be watching GBBO together and we do relax as a big family in there watching stuff sonetimes.

But when i've got alone time with the telly i want it to myself !

OP posts:

OcadoSubstitutedMyHummus · 07/08/2014 12:37

I very much get where you're coming from. My using your space when they have their own then puts the onus on you to be the bad guy and ask them to move.

Ideally you should sit down with DH, BIL and SIL and make clear that the sitting room is for your use and it isn't fair on you to have to ask them to move. If you don't say anything after last night then BIL is going to consider it OK to keep doing it and you'll get more and more frustrated.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 07/08/2014 12:37

"That's your problem. You have not made your space exclusively your space. You have allowed them to use it, so they are."

Yes yes yes to this.

So BIL wasn't actually doing anything "wrong" because the room was free when he went in.

Reset the rules! Doesn't mean your DH can't invite BIL to watch top gear together but it's your room unless they are invited.

Do you or DH go to their lounge when they aren't there, btw?

2rebecca · 07/08/2014 12:37

I think you need to get your husband on side, although I think him inviting his brother down to watch something with him is one thing, them using it as part of their space when you aren't in or want privacy is another.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread