18m ago I left my husband. The marriage had broken down. Shortly afterwards I met someone else and fell heavily in love. Unfortunately he turned out to be a nasty, abusive bully - which took me a very long time to see. Mid-way through this relationship I became severely depressed (only realised when I found myself concocting a plan to kill myself. I'd decided to do it and decided how) Miraculously, some tiny, sane part of me told myself to get to a Dr so I did and was put on low dose antidepressants and told to consider counselling. The ADs worked really, really well - for about a month. They were slowly increased until I was taking the maximum dose (still am). The abusive relationship continued and by the end my self-esteem was in tatters, I was permanently petrified and full of self-loathing. Shortly afterwards I was put on Pregablin for anxiety and again, that worked well. For a little while, until it needed to be increased to have the same effect. I never reached the max dose because of awful side effects so I had to cut down. The plan was to cut down and stop altogether and swap to another drug. However I reached a level I felt comfortable with and stopped there and didn't start the other meds. I went through a hideous thing hideous thing which is over on WWYD and I'm unsure how this has affected me yet. I think I'm ok about it - but I know that I am not ok in general.
I've been battling on for a while but it's come to my attention that I am no longer coping. Daily household tasks faze me, the house is a mess and I can't see a way to tidy and clean it. I find it impossible to sleep - I have to wait until 2/3am until I am literally exhausted and can't keep my eyes open to sleep. I'm not eating properly and drinking far too much. I'm also far too affected by social things, like someone cancelling a planned meet up or something. I instantly feel like a worthless person. I can't smile, I'm anxious about everything and basically I'm a year on from the diagnosis and I'm no better.
It's also worth mentioning that I'm under a great deal of financial pressure which nothing and no-one can solve for me. It's partly my fault and it's partly circumstantial. I tried to ask my family to help but every single person said no, which crushed me slightly (I wasn't being unreasonable in what I asked). But again, I'm not dealing with the letters that are coming through the door. I'm making stupid decisions, I'm constantly trying to find new ways to make myself happy but nothing works.
I literally don't know what to do now. I feel like just giving up. If I didn't have children then I know for a fact I'd just stay in bed all day.
There's something wrong with me but I don't know what it is and I'm so exhausted by life that I can't actually begin to work it out.