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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to help out at home??

38 replies

lemondriz · 06/08/2014 18:48

Does anyone else feel taken for granted all the time??
Dp works hard often two jobs which is his excuse for not doing a lot at home.. But I often struggle to keep on top of stuff all on my own I have ds 3.9y and dd 10m and I genually don't know how other people do it...

Today dp and I had a blazing row coz he has been home every night and I have the kids all day (I know it sounds cliché) then did dinner, put the kids to bed tidied the kitchen did a workout, filled in dd 10m form had a cuppa and went to bed only to be up most of the night with dd... Dp wiped the dinner table put some washing on.the airer sat and watched TV. And then noticed the mop smelt funny so filled it with bleach and.left it in the bath --I'm assuming for me to clean out. the house is.a dump there is so much to do and I asked for.help.... He said he did... Needless to say I lost the.plot and we had a fairly brutal text row.. I abstained from all duties and have made home do.everything tonight so I can put.kids to bed..... I'm so frustrated and annoyed anyone in.my boat???

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 06/08/2014 18:51

I think that if you both see his bit as "help" the you're doomed.

It's his house too, he should do his share.

Is he a full participant or not? In housework and the brainwork that keeps it running? In other ways?

Manchild or proper adult?

Original poster
lemondriz · 06/08/2014 19:30

That's exactly what I keep saying to him.. It's not help it's his share.... He loves to say things like.. I did the kitchen for you (grrrrr) I have been helping you, what do YOU need me.to do...

He is a manchild in sooo many ways. Everything he does is childish. Which sometimes indeering but.usually just annoying. when u try to explain to.him that he is not fulfilling his share he just says he is and.tells me how hard he works how tired he is and what he has done to.help me..

He definitely didn't used to be like this tho its a recent development

OP posts:
PatButchersLostEaring · 06/08/2014 19:35

I'm in you're boat and sometime feel like I'm sinking fast!

I've got a 13 month Ds and recently went back to work part time.
My DP works bloody hard and looks after Ds when I'm at work but does sod all in that time.

I'm also up at night with Ds.

Original poster
lemondriz · 06/08/2014 19:39

Pat do you find yourself feeling guilty for asking for stuff to get.done I feel like I.don't know what to expect and what is fair.. I am also thinking about going back to work soon

OP posts:
DaisyFlowerChain · 06/08/2014 19:40

If you are home all day and he has to work two jobs to fund you all himself then it's not too much to expect you to do the housework. If roles were reversed, I'm sure you would expect him to do the bulk.

Original poster
lemondriz · 06/08/2014 19:50

Well actually the reason I am currently so annoyed is because he works extra private jobs but hasn't had any extra work all week and been home by 2-4pm but still moans he is tired and creates mess for me to clear

Also for the record I am.not at home all day I am mostly out trying to keep our very active 3yr old stimulated.. So I am rarely at home.

OP posts:
PatButchersLostEaring · 06/08/2014 19:57

I wrongly phrase things such as 'could you do me a favour and...... Bath Ds, wash up etc' I kick myself as this sort of language just enables him to think its my job.

PatButchersLostEaring · 06/08/2014 19:58

Also Daisy, the night shift with a baby is so tiring and something many men do not deal with therefor do not understand.

hollie84 · 06/08/2014 20:01

He's out working and you are at home working. When you are both at home things should be split equally.

He shouldn't be sitting down for the evening until all the chores are finished, same as you.

Original poster
lemondriz · 06/08/2014 20:03

Thanx pat.. I agree dd is teething so I up all night think that's y I snapped today had a particularly bad night with dd. To get up to dp toast crumbs, deodorant not put back things in the kitchen he said he did not done, empty loo roll, and general kid mess.. I have gone to bed now but I can hear him huffing, puffing and gently but definitely slamming things about in the.kitchen as I have refused to do anything all day and made him do it all while read -mumsnet- in bed

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/08/2014 20:06

Does your 3 year-old not go to nursery/playgroup?

Original poster
lemondriz · 06/08/2014 20:09

The other day I had a really busy day kid stuff and a couple of errands for dp then went to do a grocery shop in the evening.. so I thought great at least it will be tidy when I get in... Needless to say when I got home dd was up (granted not his fault) but nothing was done I put her in hichair with a cracker put all shopping away and did all the tidying /end of day jobs while he ate his dinner... Which I.made

OP posts:
vestandknickers · 06/08/2014 20:11

If he's working two jobs and you are at home then I think he's entitled to think the housework is mainly your job and he's helping out. Children are hard work so you probably have to accept that your house will not be perfect.

Original poster
lemondriz · 06/08/2014 20:12

Nanny it's the summer hols atm

OP posts:
PatButchersLostEaring · 06/08/2014 20:12

Enjoy your time and try not to feel guilty!

I came back from an 8 hour shift to a stinking bin and a 13 month old who'd not been outside all day. Talk about cabin fever.

teaandtoastandbutter · 06/08/2014 20:14

I would be annoyed if I worked all day and came home and was expected to tidy up a 'dump' - sorry but that's my honest answer

Bearbehind · 06/08/2014 20:16

Wtf - you had a 'fairly brutal text row'???

Do couples not actually talk anymore?

Original poster
lemondriz · 06/08/2014 20:26

Tea.... I don't always expect him to come home to a dump.. today I gave up my duties to show him.what happens when I don't do my bit... I expect an equal share.. I feed breakfast, snack lunch snack make dinner and clear up. Sort toys, pick his stuff up rinse the bath after him me and kids but never the other way around. Iron to find it in a ball on the floor.

The other day we had a bath one after another he picked his own stuff off the floor and left mine there and claimed he hadn't seen it.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 06/08/2014 20:33

The other day I had a really busy day kid stuff and a couple of errands for dp then went to do a grocery shop in the evening.. so I thought great at least it will be tidy when I get in

Serious question- and it's not meant to be as proactive as it probably sounds- why do you expect your DH to tidy up whilst he is looking after the kids when you are out food shopping when you don't do the same when he's out working.

Bearbehind · 06/08/2014 20:34

^provoactive

Original poster
lemondriz · 06/08/2014 20:53

bear.... I have two children looking after them means tidying up several times a day... So we get up they make a mess and eat I clean them clean kitchen tidy toys.. We go out back for lunch I.do the same again out.and back for dinner I do.the same before dinner then.. All I was asking.of dp was the after dinner stage done while I shopped making it easier for me to put the food away and keep fridge clean in the process... It's not a dump at the end of each day but surely everyone has quite a few end tasks.. Washing machine emptied, dishwasher, pick toddler food off floor etc..

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 06/08/2014 20:59

You two need to talk- and not by text.

You said in your OP your house is a dump.

If there's any truth in that then your DP probably doesn't see much point in doing small tasks.

I know it might be controversial but if you are at home all day with the children and he is at work doing 2 jobs, do you really think it's fair for him to come home, look after the kids and make a start on tidying up a 'dump' Hmm

ilovelamp82 · 06/08/2014 21:00

Maybe you should sit and make a list with him. Maybe he can be responsible for washing. Realiatically if you are at home all day, tidying up after them will fall to tou or it will get out of hand. If it is his responsibility to wash clothes and put them away each day then you both know where you stand. Or something like that.

I would sit him down calmly and say " I understand thay you work hard and it is appreciated. I also work hard, and feel it isn't appreciated. We need to work out something calmly that works for both of us as this will only build up resentment and this is exactly the kind of thing that can build up and cause couples to seperate."

Sunnydays999 · 06/08/2014 21:06

I don't think it's unreasonable personally to expect you to do all or the majority of the housework if he has 2 jobs .
And in fairness to him he did some bits but it wasn't enough-I think on a weekend it should be split - you are maybe tired as well but if he's doing 2 jobs to support you all you can't expect much more .

Sunnydays999 · 06/08/2014 21:11

"The other day I had a really busy day kid stuff and a couple of errands for dp then went to do a grocery shop in the evening.. so I thought great at least it will be tidy when I get in

Serious question- and it's not meant to be as proactive as it probably sounds- why do you expect your DH to tidy up whilst he is looking after the kids when you are out food shopping when you don't do the same when he's out working."

Totally agree with this . Yes 2 under 5s not easy but your expecting him to do what you aren't .i understand it's frustrating if your house is a mess but I think op is stressed and possibly expecting a little much
Would looking at fly lady routine help ?
Also set up a activity to entertain them so you can get jobs done ? Maybe not be some peoples view but in ur position I did household tasks in a morning - my young baby played in no play pen and 3 year old watch a DVD . Then after lunch we all had fun . I think it's getting a balance