perspective needed, relating to my Birthday....

[alabasterangel]

Please be gentle, I don't venture into AIBU very often.... and it's long, sorry.

It's my Birthday in a couple of weeks, not a significant one, and I'm not really one for bells and whistles but DH would throw a party for any excuse. He's always the first to arrive and last to leave any celebration, whereas I'm a much more reserved type.

It co-incides with someone elses Birthday, a family member by marriage of DH's who he has therefore known for 20 years. It IS a significant birthday and the celebrations for this have been arranged for my Birthday day.

It's been a tough year for us and our little family. I'm working flat out but managed to get the day off work on my Birthday and just wanted to chill. We can't afford to do anything much anyway. DH lost his job 2 months ago and at the moment I am the main breadwinner and having to do a lot of OT to make things stretch. I don't want or expect a present, and have said we just need to leave it this year, because the money is too tight for that. I should stress I don't feel aggreived or resentful about this at all - I don't want or need anything urgently or specifically and I don't see the point in 'wasting' money we don't have on something frivolous. I'd be really happy with a little pub lunch for just us. Thats MY idea of celebrating and what would make me really happy.

We've been asked to go to the other celebrations. I don't mind, thats not an issue. I honestly don't feel annoyed about spending my Birthday celebrating someone elses (seriously, I don't) but what I am annoyed about is the fact that any preference I have to anything I want to do is being totally blanked. The invitation to go over to this party was accepted before I was even asked if I had another preference for doing anything, I haven't been asked if I'd have wanted to do anything or go anywhere, or see my parents or siblings. In fact, it's almost like my Birthday has actually been forgotten because this other persons is SPECIAL (this has been worded exactly so about 10 times).

Fair enough, I'll grow up and stop being churlish (I know thats how it sounds but it's not how it is) but we have now also been asked to contribute a BIG sum of money to the gift pot which he has also agreed too (how is he going to pay for that, then?), plus when we are over there he tends to dissapear to talk to his family members and leaves me chasing two under 5's round a house which is in no way or shape child-friendly (open water, antiques, you name it!). It is a stressful and certainly not enjoyable way to spend an evening for me. I therefore said (bear in mind there has been no consultation over whether I am happy to go) 'oh okay, I guess you'll be happy just going for a couple of hours, I'd really prefer to get back and relax if thats okay, have a little bit of Birthday evening when the kids are in bed, have a bottle of bubbly or something' and he said 'you're imposing rules on this deciding when we're going to leave before we've even got there.... it's her SPECIAL Birthday, and I've know her for over 20 years, and I want to go to her celebrations....we can come home as late as we like'

And that has been the red rag. I now feel cross about it all. Especially now he has also said he'll be out during the daytime too, so I'm home alone with the kids on my 'day off' as well at a time when I've turned myself inside out to keep the household running. If he'd have said 'great we can go to the celebrations, then have lunch the day before for YOU or YOU have some timeout doing something you want (an hour having coffee with a friend child-free would have been a gift enough) but no, it's all about this OTHER person, and I feel like I'm in a queue of two people, me being last, and I didn't even want to be in the queue in the first place.

I'm being ridiculous, aren't I? I don't really want to know if I am being unreasonable, but I do want to understand how I say how I feel without sounding like a selfish churlish child. I really think I ought to vocalise how I feel but I shy away from confrontation (DV victim in previous marriage) and I don't actually think he knows how fed up I feel about this..........

[PeachyParisian]

Gosh, I missed the part when OP said she was doing over time to make ends meet.

Your DH is incredibly selfish.
Going for a couple of hours means risking DH manipulating/guilting you into staying longer so you don't "show him up".

[SilverStars]

I hope he enjoys some very basic, frugal meals to make up for his generous gift.

[DizzyKipper]

Good luck OP!

[alabasterangel]

Success!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you wise women of MN.... I manned up! I went slowly again, said I needed to organise the diary for next two weeks and still didn't understand what we were doing on my Birthday.....

Ended up saying many things quoted here, about it being considered what I want, that just because it doesn't have a zero, doesn't make it more important than me, that what I wanted to do hasn't even been taken into account, money, etc, etc. Got a stony silence but a sheepish one not an aggro one.....

So I kept going. I said in the end that I wouldn't mind going at 5pm, but that he is entirely responsible for DC and that I will not be driving, and that I will be arranging for me to go over to a good friend and neighbour for a glass of wine at 7.30, so if we are not back by then woe betide (leaving it 'endless' was dodgy, now I can organise a time we have a reason to have to leave). He has told me he will re-arrange his daytime appointment to another day (I said I thought he was being totally ignorant and thoughtless!) and I said I'll have a think about what I would really like to do and will let him know.... that might be some time on my own shopping (parents giving me money as my gift)or relaxing, or a family picnic if the weather is good.

I have also said the contribution is WAY too much. I said he has to call tomorrow and explain, and give the option that we can either give half or get something ourselves. He said he is wondering what to do with DC tomorrow without spending money, I said a big session of cutting and sticking and making a card for her would be a good idea.

So pretty much, thats it.... I'm now going to have a long bath and wine, and finally LOOK FORWARD to my Birthday.....!

Thank you!!!

[YouTheCat]

Brilliant! Have a lovely birthday.

[DizzyKipper]

Well done, I'm glad it's turned out well for you. Hope you have a lovely birthday.

[alabasterangel]

[coppertop]

Well done!

I hope you have a great birthday and that your dh keeps up his side of the deal.

[MostPeopleAreMad]

That's brilliant - well done you! And I hope you have a wonderful birthday

[PeachyParisian]

Brilliant OP, have a lovely birthday

[Coughle]

Well done! Happy birthday

[guinnessgirl]

Bloody well done, alabaster. Too often i see posts on mumsnet from women who have had enough and say they want their DP to change, but won't actually speak up or lay down firm boundaries, and it's sooo frustrating. I actually did a little cheer when I saw your victory post! Now make sure you keep those boundaries firmly in place - and have a fab birthday

[SilverStars]

Have a lovely birthday!

[Littleturkish]

What a lovely resolution! Enjoy every minute of it!!

[peppapigonaloop]

Fab work! Good for you sticking to your guns..enjoy your birthday!

[KiwiJude]

Well done alabaster. You need to run workshops :)

[ChoccaDoobie]

We'll done!! A great result. Hope you do, in fact, have a lovely birthday.

[diddl]

Glad that you have sorted this out.

I'm not big on bdays, but it doesn't necessarily mean that I want to do nothing or spend time at someone elses party, looking after kids whilst OH gets pissed!