perspective needed, relating to my Birthday....

[alabasterangel]

Please be gentle, I don't venture into AIBU very often.... and it's long, sorry.

It's my Birthday in a couple of weeks, not a significant one, and I'm not really one for bells and whistles but DH would throw a party for any excuse. He's always the first to arrive and last to leave any celebration, whereas I'm a much more reserved type.

It co-incides with someone elses Birthday, a family member by marriage of DH's who he has therefore known for 20 years. It IS a significant birthday and the celebrations for this have been arranged for my Birthday day.

It's been a tough year for us and our little family. I'm working flat out but managed to get the day off work on my Birthday and just wanted to chill. We can't afford to do anything much anyway. DH lost his job 2 months ago and at the moment I am the main breadwinner and having to do a lot of OT to make things stretch. I don't want or expect a present, and have said we just need to leave it this year, because the money is too tight for that. I should stress I don't feel aggreived or resentful about this at all - I don't want or need anything urgently or specifically and I don't see the point in 'wasting' money we don't have on something frivolous. I'd be really happy with a little pub lunch for just us. Thats MY idea of celebrating and what would make me really happy.

We've been asked to go to the other celebrations. I don't mind, thats not an issue. I honestly don't feel annoyed about spending my Birthday celebrating someone elses (seriously, I don't) but what I am annoyed about is the fact that any preference I have to anything I want to do is being totally blanked. The invitation to go over to this party was accepted before I was even asked if I had another preference for doing anything, I haven't been asked if I'd have wanted to do anything or go anywhere, or see my parents or siblings. In fact, it's almost like my Birthday has actually been forgotten because this other persons is SPECIAL (this has been worded exactly so about 10 times).

Fair enough, I'll grow up and stop being churlish (I know thats how it sounds but it's not how it is) but we have now also been asked to contribute a BIG sum of money to the gift pot which he has also agreed too (how is he going to pay for that, then?), plus when we are over there he tends to dissapear to talk to his family members and leaves me chasing two under 5's round a house which is in no way or shape child-friendly (open water, antiques, you name it!). It is a stressful and certainly not enjoyable way to spend an evening for me. I therefore said (bear in mind there has been no consultation over whether I am happy to go) 'oh okay, I guess you'll be happy just going for a couple of hours, I'd really prefer to get back and relax if thats okay, have a little bit of Birthday evening when the kids are in bed, have a bottle of bubbly or something' and he said 'you're imposing rules on this deciding when we're going to leave before we've even got there.... it's her SPECIAL Birthday, and I've know her for over 20 years, and I want to go to her celebrations....we can come home as late as we like'

And that has been the red rag. I now feel cross about it all. Especially now he has also said he'll be out during the daytime too, so I'm home alone with the kids on my 'day off' as well at a time when I've turned myself inside out to keep the household running. If he'd have said 'great we can go to the celebrations, then have lunch the day before for YOU or YOU have some timeout doing something you want (an hour having coffee with a friend child-free would have been a gift enough) but no, it's all about this OTHER person, and I feel like I'm in a queue of two people, me being last, and I didn't even want to be in the queue in the first place.

I'm being ridiculous, aren't I? I don't really want to know if I am being unreasonable, but I do want to understand how I say how I feel without sounding like a selfish churlish child. I really think I ought to vocalise how I feel but I shy away from confrontation (DV victim in previous marriage) and I don't actually think he knows how fed up I feel about this..........

[CateBlanket]

do people in real life say "fizz" and "bubbly" instead of sparkling wine/champagne?

[MsVestibule]

Obviously they do, Cate. Is that a problem?

[ICanSeeTheSun]

I love the suggestion of you having a drink then get your DH to run around.

Hope you do manage to have a nice birthday.

[Attheendof]

It wouldn't occur to me to take two under-fives to an evening party. Stay at home, invite a friend round, or just watch a movie yourself with a box of chocolates?

[Attheendof]

Meant to say, birthday or not I wouldn't take them out late to an event that really isn't suitable for them.

[muffliato]

Yes Cate people do.

I would not go in this situation no matter how bad that made me look.
Every birthday is special it does not need to end in an 0.
It's not like you're asking for a lot either.

Please don't tell me you are actually going to fork out ££ for the pot when you are not even going to get a small present.

[alabasterangel]

Okay, I laid it on the table.

He said there was an atmosphere and asked what it was that he was obviously not 'getting'.... instead of ploughing in I said I felt like the last few weeks have been really tough and I was getting a bit fed up of not having anything in particular to look forward too.... and I didn't really understand what was happening which was nice, for me, on my Birthday.... (was trying to avoid coming at it from the angle of going to the other thing).....

And he got pretty defensive and just said (dramatically) that he is obviously a shit husband because he genuinely hadn't given my Birthday a second thought because he's been preoccupied with finding another job and bringing in money. He said he didn't 'realise' that he it was down to him to plan or suggest what we did....

That statement would be fine if he hadn't also been 'preoccupied' with making sure we go over to this bloody party, but I stopped short of saying that. He's thought about spending 65 on someone else, but hasn't thought about me or anything token for me at all. It also doesn't match because on his Birthdays I organise, year on year, family gatherings and so on. I shop, cater, carry the sodding plate of nibbles round and top up peoples glasses.... so why isn't it down to him when it's me? Why is it okay just to completely ignore my day?

He's gone all huffy and dramatic and hard done by 'I'm so shit, I am, and I've lost my job to boot' ......

I don't think this is done with just yet.... I don't think given the above that I can let it go at this stage. He's still not acknowledged the entire principle of the matter..... and I'm not certain my point has been made yet.

And no, no, no, there is nothing surprise for me going on. My Mum would have to have been party to it, and she has also had to hear me chunter on about the above and thinks he is being an utter muppet!

[YouTheCat]

I get that he has a bruised ego with the job loss at the moment but that doesn't mean he can be a twat.

The reason he hasn't bothered with your birthday is because he is a selfish arse and he wants to go to this party, have fun and be guilt-free.

Tbh if he says he's a shit husband and just nod in agreement.

OP, do what you want to do on your birthday. Your kids are too young to be bothered either way and a full on adult party would probably be too much for them anyway.

Don't give a thought to your husband's feelings on this as he isn't considering yours at all.

(It's my birthday in a couple of weeks too and I prefer a nice quiet meal and some booze)

[MsVestibule]

What a drama queen (him, not you). What does he normally do for your birthday? If nothing, why do you continue to treat his as though it's an important occasion?

[peppapigonaloop]

What a drama llama! I hate that instant huffing oh it's all my fault nonsense..my Dh does it sometimes and it is guaranteed to make me even crosser!
He hasn't acknowledged it at all just tried to make you feel bad and deflect the attention..
Stick to your guns, why don't you just stay home with the kids? Or if you really must go then leave early as planned and have a friend over..Send him off/leave him there...yes he will look like a shit husband but that is HIS fault not yours!

[CSIJanner]

Next time he moans and grumps, says he's a shit husband, just say, actually, yes, in this case you are. Fuck all for your wife but saving face with £65 for a group gift that you can't afford on one income? His family are arses for even suggesting it 2months after he's lost his job. And he's a selfish face-saving arse for this entire situation. It's all about what he wants. I guess it would be too easy to goto this party than organise something small and special for you.

[alabasterangel]

MsV I won't be from now on, that's a certainty....

Youthecat you are spot on... totally. HE wants to go, because HE really likes this person, HE loves a bash, he'd celebrate turning on a lightbulb frankly if someone said there was a party for it (not a drinker, but a Mr Social, loves people and chatting and socialising), HE wants to be seen as Mr Generous, going over and ENJOYING HIMSELF under the guise of 'having to do the done thing' of celebrating her Birthday. It is all about him, but if I challenge that, he'll just return straight back to it being about her 'special significant' day and not about him at all.... and don't even begin on the subject of me trying to extricate him from a party at the end of a night..... I've actually driven home and left him at one before now (and we were both sober, I was pregnant, he just WILL NOT leave in case he misses a thing)

Maybe now he has his tail between his legs a bit and time to cool off doing the bedtime stuff, I'll point this out (as nicely as I can.....)....

I genuinely don't mind going, for an hour or two, if I can kick back and know the kids are safe and come home early enough to enjoy the night, but I really don't think thats all achieveable.....

[Nanny0gg]

Book yourself into a hotel, preferably one with a nice pool and/or spa.

Did you read the part where the OP said her DH is out of work and she already has to do overtime to make ends meet? There actually isn't any money for the 'gift pot' that the DH has promised.

[alabasterangel]

Exactly.... and it galls me that the gift in question, totalling  has had to be scraped around to be decided on, because she has a very lavish life and everthing anyone could want.... (gift from spouse is a new car, for example).... whereas I have had to budget hard to get us two nights camping pitch later in the month..... that 65 is pretty much our little holiday equivalent!

[goeuffaw]

let him have his rant and feel sorry for himself moment, then when he calms down, quietly point out that you have needs, and preferences, and you want him to respect these, birthday or not.

decide what you will be happy to do re the 'special' celebration, tell him, and leave him to work out what his actions will be. dont compromise on what your limits are.

put a little something aside, (time, money treat) for yourself. if he decides to share this with you, great, if not, share it with a dear friend instead.

and let him sort his own birthday out next time, it might help him appreciate your efforts a bit more.

happy birthday

[NickiFury]

Oh tell him to fuck off! That conversation you wrote enraged me just reading it "I will look bad if I leave you on your birthday", because you ARE you selfish twat!

I wouldn't go and if he didn't want to take kids for their part in it, well that's fine, but I wouldn't go and nothing would make me remembers similar event when married to ex

Sure you'll be unpopular for a bit but they'll know not to walk over you in future.

[CafeAuLaitMerci]

He is being a complete arse.

I feel you probably have accepted him being an arse in the past simply because he's not as bad as your ex. You probably stand for a lot more than most of us would - and that's not good.

I'm sure your instant reaction to that comment will probably be 'No I don't - he's lovely, kind, blah blah except for this' - but it's not a one off, this kind of selfish, thoughtless, shitty behaviour is never just a 'one off'.

At this point I would say something along the lines of...

'DH, please don't interrupt me. I have booked the time off of work on my birthday so that we can spend it as a family, not so that I can chase the kids around at 'MissSpecials' birthday party while you have a fab time. It is my birthday, not yours. On your birthday I do what you want, for you... it is your turn to do what I want - being as it's my birthday, not yours. We can have a party anytime we want too ( as well as do the things you want to do 'anytime'), but I organise them on your birthday - for you - because it's how YOU want to celebrate. 'This' (list what you want to do) is how I want to celebrate my birthday. I get that it's 'MissSpecials' 40th (or whatever), but you know what, I don't actually care. It's my birthday and that is not how I intend to spend it. YOU can choose what you are going to do - 'xyz' with me or go to her party - but frankly, I'd think carefully about your priorities because I am fed up of not being one of them. And before you start the pity party, frankly you ARE being a shit husband right now, but this has nothing, nada, zilch to do with working or not - just your me me me attitude.'

I think it's time to be heard my love. It's not about 'your birthday' - it's about you and his attitude to your wants and needs.

I get that you don't mind going to the party for a while, but frankly, I think you need to get a few things sorted in your relationship and your wants and needs listened to and not overridden by what he wants all the time.

[CafeAuLaitMerci]

Oh yes and despite writing an essays I forgot to mention

• Him looking bad if he leaves you 'home alone' on your birthday... ask him why he thinks someone else might think that 'looks bad' and let him stand there with his mouth agape while the penny drops.
  
  
•  If they money is equivalent to what you are spending on your holiday, and you have scrimped to save it, how the actual fuck does he think you will feel about giving that to someone else who doesn't even need it - just to 'Be The Big Man' Tell him, even if he does go, he will have to tell whoever is organising the Big Present, to leave your names off the card because it's not happening. Ridiculous to spend that sort of money on a present when things are as tight as they are. It's a Big Oh birthday not a life saving operation FFS.

[CombineBananaFister]

I don't think you're being a martyr op - think your husband is being selfish. He wants to go and he wants to contribute and he wants to fit in because it's all things he like's to do.

I'm not one for being all 'it's my birthday' (foot stamp, pout) but it's not about that, it's about having a bit of consideration for your feelings of what you wouldn't like to do on your birthday even if you are actively happy to do not much - it's inconsiderate.

Maybe the whole job thing has been abit of a blow to him and and maybe he fancies a good night out but he's being disrecpectful, selfish and childish and laying it on a bit thick.

As for the £65 that would drive me crackers

[Nanny0gg]

What CafeAuLaitMerci said.

[thicketofstars]

He sounds awful - very self absorbed. I would ask him if he's considered how important a 'fuss' is on his 'special day' (sounds about 6 years old saying that) and then ask him where his empathy is. How he would feel if you did nothing to show you cared about him, not even a gift, and then said you didn't 'realise' you were supposed to. If he starts ducking the issue again with the melodramatic stuff I would tell him I felt emotionally manipulated by that and he was shutting down the conversation. When he says he's a shit husband, you then pretty much have to backtrack to make him feel better - difficult to do when he hasn't recognised your feelings at all. You need him to acknowledge that you at least have a point. To the 'special day' argument, I would say that you take his point but it was also a very special day for you, not least because you've booked the day off work. And perhaps: 'We'll come to that but I need to have a conversation about how my feelings first.' I suppose the problem is that he's afraid that acknowledging you have a point will lead to not being able to go to the party. I'm not sure I would reassure him on that point at first, to be honest. He needs to put that to one side on his own, and have a conversation about this because it's important to you, regardless of what he stands to lose. And tell him how you feel like an unpaid au pair minding the kids on your own at these parties while you're at it.

I wouldn't bring up how difficult the past couple of months have been for you because he may feel inadequate enough about it without that. (BTW, could the anxiety of recent times be anything to do with the way he's clinging to this party like a dog with a bone?). I think he has a point that a big birthday do is not reschedulable, while the birthday evening that you wanted is. If you address your feelings first before talking about that, you could tell him that you agree and would be happy to go for a reasonable length of time, just not for the marathon that his past actions have led you to expect. (And why on earth aren't your kids going to bed - aren't they miserable the next day?). I kind of see where he's coming from about an hour or two not being long enough. Three hours or the gesture's pointless. And if he doesn't climb down on the other points and agree to pamper you at the next available opportunity, I'd be concerned.

[PeachyParisian]

Christ, fuck that! Why is this person more special than his own DW??
Could you take th kids for a low key fun day out instead and leave DH to go alone? I would also make I very clear that the money would not be appearing!

[thicketofstars]

Oh yes and he should also agree to halve the birthday contribution. If he doesn't it's a pride thing. If you don't have it, he needs to put the family first. But don't bring up his unemployed status.

[GnomeDePlume]

yes to CafeAuLaitMerci's suggestion of:

I have booked the time off of work on my birthday so that we can spend it as a family, not so that I can chase the kids around at 'MissSpecials' birthday party while you have a fab time. It is my birthday, not yours. On your birthday I do what you want, for you... it is your turn to do what I want - being as it's my birthday, not yours. We can have a party anytime we want too ( as well as do the things you want to do 'anytime'), but I organise them on your birthday - for you - because it's how YOU want to celebrate. 'This' (list what you want to do) is how I want to celebrate my birthday. I get that it's 'MissSpecials' 40th (or whatever), but you know what, I don't actually care. It's my birthday and that is not how I intend to spend it. YOU can choose what you are going to do - 'xyz' with me or go to her party - but frankly, I'd think carefully about your priorities because I am fed up of not being one of them. And before you start the pity party, frankly you ARE being a shit husband right now, but this has nothing, nada, zilch to do with working or not - just your me me me attitude.'

Except dont say it, write it down. Put it in an envelope, give it to him then walk away, go and have a bath/shower/whatever. Leave him alone for an hour or so to process it alone.

It sounds like he is a drama queen so dont give him an audience.

[alabasterangel]

Okay, going in, wish me luck..... will report back.....