To get really annoyed at how spoiled my DN is?

[alwaystired81]

Ok bit of back story, my Dsis had her son when she was a teenager and so was still living at home and continued living there till he was about 3. He is now 10. Because of this my parents have (naturally) always had a closer bond with my DN than any of my DCs, I don't like it but understand it and have come to terms with it. What annoys me is how incredibly spoilt he is by my parents he is allowed to completely rule the roost and gets whatever he wants from them and whenever my mum is coming over to see my DCs she always turns up with DN because (in her words) he would "go mad if he thought he was missing out". As its the summer holidays me and DH have some trips organized and we are going to chessington, my sister doesn't want to go but my mum has now said she is going to bring DN on her own because DN couldn't possibly not go if my DCs are going. Also we are going to Butlins for a week and she's talking about bringing him down for the day because "he won't like that your DCs are going on holiday and he isn't". I have said to her "you know it is ok for the children to learn they can't have everything/go everywhere" and she just says "oh I know" and then carries on treating him like a little Prince. He uses the way she acts to his advantage too for example if my DS asks for something and I say no DN immediately goes and asks my mum and if she says yes he then brags to my kids so then I feel I have to go back on what I have said. I know that probably AIBU but it is just so frustrating.

My own mum possibly does more with my DC than with their cousins. We live closer, I'm a single parent working my arse off and without two pennies to rub together. We live in a tiny one bed flat we can't afford to move from. I can't drive and am completely isolated.

She helps out with childcare here and there and my dad might take them out for a couple of hours somewhere to give me a chance to catch up.

My sister, in comparison is well off, drives, owns a large three bed house and is going to be married soon.

My mum would happily help her out and take her children out. But to an outsider, the balance may look unfair.

My mother does this too. She looks after my brother and SILs kids frequently even though I am on my own with two DCs with no other childcare. It sucks. I've been over her lack of interest in my DCs many times but nothing changes so I've decided that it is her loss.

It's the ridiculous insistance that the boy not only does his own stuff, but tags along to everything OP &family does as well.
That's just odd.
And not Ops mums decision to make!

I could not leave a child out if I got my DC a drink, ice cream or cake ect then I couldn't not just buy one.

All those little things add up.

Please can someone explain because i genuinely don't get what your gripe is.
Take the theme park.You say your dsis didn't want to come , so your dm brought the lad instead so he didn't miss out.Presumably your mum paid for him and looked after him, so how is that a problem for you and your dc? Am I missing something
Also you say your DN insists he comes with your gran everytime she visits.But how would he even know she was coming if she didn't mention it and he doesn't like with her.You say he gets on well with your 2 Dc who are the same age .So again I just don't get it?
Does your DM babysit him in the school hols whilst your Dsis works?

I don't get your gripe either.

Why does it matter if your nephew tags along on days out? Surely it's nice for your DCs to spend time with their cousin?

And I disagree that your DCs get nothing and this boy gets everything as implied by some posters. Your DC are clearly part of a stable, loving family and perhaps your DM feels that your DN has missed out on a stable family life with 2 parents.

I think you sound a little petty and mean spirited about a little boy who is part of your family. He gets to accompany his cousins to bloody Butlins for the day and people are saying he's spoilt! There are children - including children of mumsnetters - who live marvellous lives with loads of holidays and privileges - why are they not described as 'spoilt'?

Really surprised at the last two posts. I think the stuff about the theme parks is a bit of a red herring - this is really about OP's mum spending much more time with DN than with OP's children, to the extent that she won't spend time with her other GC without DN being there too. I can understand completely why this would be really annoying. We all want our parents to have quality time with their GC. Regardless of the circumstances it does come across a favouritism. I also agree with the posters who say DN is being set up for a fall in adult life, with the whole thing about 'He must have what his cousins have.' Eh no, he doesn't. That's not how life works.

We have a watered down version of this in our family. In our case it's because of distance and laziness more than anything else. It does piss me off. There's no point me trying to talk to my parents about it because they would automatically get defensive plus there are other issues involved around childcare. I can't be bothered going there. I just make sure DD has a good relationship with her other GPs (who live much further away but are still delighted to see her).

Is your DN's Dad in the picture? I ask as it sounds like your DM is more of a parent than a grandparent to your DN, perhaps because his Dad isn't about, because your sister had him at a young age or maybe your sister isn't that hands on with him herself. If your DM is more of a mum than a grandparent to him it would explain why she always brings him along. You probably bring your children everywhere you go. I know I'm in the minority here but I say let them have their special relationship. Your DN has no siblings. Your kids have each other. I would let them be.

I don't get those 2 posts either. The OP has said her mum always brings DN along or gets him things because he'd go "mad" otherwise (the mother's words). Children need to learn they can't have or do everything, they shouldn't be able to bully a GP into getting what they want by the threat of a strop if they don't, and maybe I'm completely out of touch but it's not the sort of behaviour I'd expect from a 10 year old (a toddler maybe). That said I do just take what OPs say on face value - if I'm told a GP is taking their GC to things because of them being really "mad" if they thought they were missing out I accept that as the reason and post accordingly. It's possible the mother isn't getting the DN things or taking him places purely on the basis of him being mad if she doesn't, but then if this is what she's telling the OP then why should the OP think otherwise?

OP's DN does have a sibling, just a much younger sibling. My sister is 16 years younger me and I'm the closest in age of her three siblings, there has never been the need to inject Dsis into everything her Nephews and Nieces did and one nephew is the same age.

Nephew in question was child of a teen mum and had no siblings until he was 8, there was no over compensating either.

DM has spoilt DN at the expense of sending quality time with her other GC.

My mil is exactly the same. My 3 have missed out due to her constantly having her other gd.

Yes my sil was a single patent but that has nothing to do with my dcs. In the end it will be mil who misses out because my kids won't want to know.

Also OP has said that her sister is married (many people also seem to be assuming she's a single parent).

I still don't see the problem. Why do the grandchildren need to have their GM to themselves? Why can't the extended family do things together? She seems to spend time with them. She is going to meet them on their holiday, going to chessington and other places and visits the house. Why does it matter if she brings another grandchild with her to see his cousins? I just don't get it.

YANBU. Those who don't get it are probably in your sister's situation in some way. You want your children to have a relationship with your DM. But that cannot happen if she is in childcare mode with DN every time you see her. It is very irritating when other people think that a child they are in charge of needs to be treated with kid gloves because its very nature is so fragile that it will not be able to cope if others are doing something it isn't. So it gets spoilt. But your DN is going to grow up and be a PITA with narcissistic tendencies if this kind of 'parenting' continues. That will not be fun for you or your DCs. Why don't you avoid inviting your DM over at all for a bit and see if she says anything and then have it out with her? Is your DF around? Can you discuss with him?

Having only ever seen my GPs once every 2-4 years, I'd actually answer to why do they need to have their GPs to themselves, that they don't. But then I never formed a bond with my GPs and they were always something of strangers to me that I never felt quite comfortable to be around.
Most people want to facilitate that bond and see quality alone time for the DC with their GPs as something special, which I'm sure the OP does and feels her children are being deprived of that specialness. If you don't feel that way that's fine for you, not everyone has to feel the same way, but that doesn't mean the OP is wrong for feeling as she does. Why shouldn't she want her children to get some quality alone time with their GM, especially when her DN is getting it? If it's not necessary for children to have GPs all to themselves then it applies as much to DN as to the OP's children, he doesn't need the GM all to himself and it should be more than possible for her to see the OP's children without him sometimes. The fact that she doesn't is down to the GM and I think these are questions to be asked of the GM rather than for people to put the OP down over.

My Dniece was raised in my Mum and Dads house until she was 6 as my Dsis was a teenage single parent. She gets heaps more than any of the other DGC but it has never bothered me as in my mind she more like my little sister and the "baby" of our family than a niece. If your folks feel more of a paternal / maternal bond with you DN then it could go some way to explaining why they are behaving this way.

I don't understand all the angst either.
Like brutha says presumably if DN spent 3 years living with his grandparents then they are going to have a closer bond, especially since your sister was a teenage mother. It would have been normal for them to have helped out more.

You say that your sister now has a 2 year old and is married? Is this to your DN's father? How old is your DN?

TBH I left my DD with her grandmother today as she was looking after my DN's. Never crossed my mind that they might resent her being there. I was always of the opinion that they were cousins and it was quite nice of them to spend time together.

it is the inequality that is the problem.

dn gets to go out with grandma alone.

op's dcs do not

dn gets to go abroad and to theme parks without op's children visiting the holiday or going along wiith them.

op's children do not.

dn gets to go on sleepovers to grandmas,

op's children do not.

dn is unkind to the op's dcs and makes them cry. he deliberately tries to get stuff they are not allowed, then boast about it. he has to have the best of everything. why bring someone on a trip when they are likely to be unkind to your own children.

I think this about your DM, rather than DN. I wonder if she sees him more as her ds than dgs.

blackeyedsusan