To get really annoyed at how spoiled my DN is?

[alwaystired81]

Ok bit of back story, my Dsis had her son when she was a teenager and so was still living at home and continued living there till he was about 3. He is now 10. Because of this my parents have (naturally) always had a closer bond with my DN than any of my DCs, I don't like it but understand it and have come to terms with it. What annoys me is how incredibly spoilt he is by my parents he is allowed to completely rule the roost and gets whatever he wants from them and whenever my mum is coming over to see my DCs she always turns up with DN because (in her words) he would "go mad if he thought he was missing out". As its the summer holidays me and DH have some trips organized and we are going to chessington, my sister doesn't want to go but my mum has now said she is going to bring DN on her own because DN couldn't possibly not go if my DCs are going. Also we are going to Butlins for a week and she's talking about bringing him down for the day because "he won't like that your DCs are going on holiday and he isn't". I have said to her "you know it is ok for the children to learn they can't have everything/go everywhere" and she just says "oh I know" and then carries on treating him like a little Prince. He uses the way she acts to his advantage too for example if my DS asks for something and I say no DN immediately goes and asks my mum and if she says yes he then brags to my kids so then I feel I have to go back on what I have said. I know that probably AIBU but it is just so frustrating.

he delights in making my 2 older DCs feel bad and often makes them cry.

This really needs nipping in the bud now, that's an awful thing to have happen. Good luck OP, have you decided how to deal with it yet?

Have you tried suggesting your DCs should get taken all the places your DN gets to go to?

Has your DN got any siblings? Perhaps he is lonely and your DM feels sorry for him?

If he lived with your Mum for 3 years I can understand she feels extra close to your DN. All you can do is explain to your mother what you have explained on here. Surely she cannot fail to see what you are saying?

TheFairyCaravan my mum often gives my Dsis a "break" too, the other day she went round to watch DN and his younger brother so my Dais could have a NAP! I have 3 DCs including my 1 year old who still does not sleep through the night and I am NEVER offered a "break" My DH says it's because I have been independent for so long (moved out at 21 have never asked my parents for money - unlike all my other siblings) but I feel this is surely a good thing so why do I feel like I (and by extension my DCs) am being punished for it?

God I remember this with my parents hen my DN was this age. She was brought up in the house till the age of six and spoilt like you wouldnt believe.

I didnt have kids at the time but my sisters did and it caused a lot of outrage.

She is 18 now and so selfish she wouldnt even bother to see her dying grandfather because as she told her mam, "whats in it for me?" She is a surly, disinterested mean child with no redeeming features. And I hate to say that about her, it breaks my heart, but its true.

This will out one day OP, mark my words. All you can do is make your kids feel loved and happy, which you sound like you are doing a great job of already.

Sorry if I've missed it but how old are your DC?

I have something along those lines with my niece and nephew. My sister and BIL are, shall we say, haphazard parents, so my mum does her best to fill the gap. Inevitably my DC miss out and I have made a big career sacrifice to be around for them whilst sis gets free childcare and all holiday activities paid for by our mum. They have lots more disposable cash than I do. It often ends up me taking my dc and paying for them and my mum taking the neice and nephew and covering their costs. My niece and nephew are quite excitable children (they don't sleep much or get regular meals) and my DD particularly comes back from spending time with them a bit hyper and unmanageable, so I limit the time they all spend together with my mum, my choice obviously.

I love my niece and nephew and I try to look at it that it's fair that everyone gets what they need (and my dc don't need my mum in the same way).

My DC are now 8 and 10 and a few things have happened that have made my mum even things up a bit. Both my children have started to notice the the different amount of time spent with their cousins. Initially I tried to field their questions about this but in the end they asked my mum directly and she did take some notice. More recently my nephew started to tease my children about how much more time he spends with nanny than they do. My mum witnessed this and it seems to have given her a little shock. She is making more of an effort to spend time with my DC and has taken on board my concerns about her having all 4 of them too much, which is a lot for anyone let alone a pensioner.

Anyway I hope your situation may ease a bit in the future too.

I feel for you OP. I would go for what others have said and not tell them your plans beforehand. Mention them once they've happened, by all means, and when your mum moans about being kept in the dark tell her why, in words of one syllable. She may get it. Eventually.

I'm in a similar, though v different situation. My sister is a lot older than me, is a Narc, and if she doesn't get her own way throws tantrums. My mum is scared of her (and has admitted it). My sister hates being left out of anything, and so, if I tell my mum anything my mum HAS to tell my sister "because she's your sister". Regardless of my feelings on this, my sister has to be told.

I had some bad news late last year, but I still have not told my mother. She'll have to be told soon, as the situation will be coming to a head soon, and I know she'll be upset that it will have taken almost a year for her to hear the news. But as I shall be telling her, it is none of my sister's business, and if she insists on telling my sister everything I tell her, then my only option is not to tell her anything.

It means I miss out on having a mother. But I'd rather that.

in my family we involve all the kids in everything so I wouldn't find any of that weird but I suspect there is more to it than is posted. the thing is you can control your mother's relationships with others. if she will always choose to bring your nephew all you can do is not invite her. if he is mean to your kids correct him there and then. if it is any consolation if he is ten now In a few years he will be too cool to hang around with any of you

Yanbu....I think I'd feel a bit fed up with it also. What is your relationship like with your dsis? Do you do things with her and your dn? Seems like your mum has him all the time.

Mommy2ash I would really like that, as a family we do have times like that but then there are other occasions where it feels that we are manipulated and our feelings are dismissed or rationalised away.

I agree to a prior poster about patterns of behaviour repeating themselves over the generations. My DH has always been the reasonable, easygoing one that they never worried about or who needed bailing out. My SIL was the other way more demanding etc and this has continued on to the treatment of the next generation. Having said that, my PIL are lovely, it is just that they are used to pleasing my SIL and never saying no.

I feel for you OP. Mil is the same with DN who is the youngest of 3 kids and horribly spoilt.

He hates my DS as he is younger and DN feels that attention was taken from him when DS was born.

DH is taking DS away next week and would love to in life FIL as they all have similar interests. But he can't ask him as mil would insist that DN comes too.

It does the kid no favours and he had a terrible time when he went to secondary school, as the big kids didn't put up with his crap.

Who was invited to Chessington?

If your mum wants to spoil him, that's up to her, biut turning up uninvited to your family things isn't on at all.

As for going mad if he knows he's missing out-people need to stop telling everyone everything!

And he's only missing out if he's invited & can't make it!

My MIL was a bit like this with my niece and nephew, she's closer in all ways to both of my BIL's anyway and will always go that extra mile or show up with a niece or nephew (not so much now he's older) in two rather than just be with us.
Rest assured your children will notice as they get older. DS went as close to NC with MIL for a while as he could get because all she talked about was how clever/funny or talented my nephew was whereas he got (usually) veiled criticism or ignored. He was around 8 when he started to refuse to go and see her, he's 13 now and because she isn't completely stupid she did realise and she has taken steps to repair her relationship with him. Pretty successfully I must say.
They will notice and it will all rebound onto your MIL.

Your Mum not your MIL, sorry

Your children have something that his grandmother can't buy him. Your children have siblings and parents that want to spend time with them rather than constantly turf them over to their grandparents.

Money can't buy that. Focus on what your children do have. Far far more than your nephew.

Well it's up to your Mum if she wants to spoil him but there is no reason he should always be included in your plans. I can entirely see your point. You have a right to do things on your own with your family. It sounds like you won't be able to persuade her she is doing anything wrong. But just say we're making our own plans.

I'm another nodding in recognition here. Its heartbreaking for your own DCs although I think mine are still fairly oblivious to it and I try very hard not to make it an issue in front of them.

My advice is talk to her if you want but be prepared for her to either not see that there is a problem or not care. Stop telling her your plans or if she's inviting herself along regardless, tell her no, you are having a family outing.

Finally and sadly, you may just have to accept that this is how it is and it's never going to change. I used to spend so much time and energy getting worked up about it, and how tired my parents were and how my SIL was taking advantage -but at the end of the day, they choose to do it and I can't change that. Much better to put my energies towards my own children than getting worked up about someone else's.

It's a crap situation and I feel for you.

Do you think she could be overcompensating because he's on his own? It's probably not much fun going on days out without other dc and she might just want to be giving him the experience of having others to share the day with.

It sounds as if your mother may be compensating because (rightly or wrongly) she feels that your DN doesn't have as good a life as your children. You haven't said much about your sisters situation but is she single? Does she ever take your DN on holidays, zoo, butlins etc?

At the moment my 2 older DCs (9 and 10) are not really bothered by it as (apart from when he is making them cry) they do like to play with him. It's me who gets upset about it and I am worried about the future when they do start to realise how favoured DN is. My Dsis is married and they have another child who is 2. As I said in my PP DN does get taken on holiday he has been abroad this year already and he is taken to theme parks. I just dint see how it is compensating as he has everything my DCs have - and more.

I think your parents are over compensating due to guilt. If your child has a teenage pregnancy, based on my family experience the gps feel massively guilty about allowing it to happen. Although dn's and you dsis's life have obviously improved I do think it stems from your parents being more worried about your sister and trying to help the best they can. I'd tell your mum kindly but directly how it's making you feel, while not expecting anything to change. Based on our experience, you probably just have to find a way of not letting it get to you.

I would say to your mum that DH wants to spend time alone with his wife and DC without nephew there.

You seem a bit mean.I can't see what difference it makes to you if your DM brings him along.She is presumably paying for him and looking after him?
Tou say your Dsis didn't want to go, so presumably she was invited.How would it have been different if your Dsis took him rather than your dm?

YANBU - I also had a similar situation with Dsis inlaw. Reading between the lines it sounds is if your Mom is trying to be fill a void in DN's life. Does your Dsis make an effort with him _ Maybe your mom knows ur DC's lifes are enriched with day trips and fun times, I know this does not make it easier on your DC's to see Nana having a closer relationship with DN as I said I am in a similar situation but have come to except that DN needs that extra care and it is not his fault but the adults around him.

Cross post

YANBU.

A talk to your sister might be needed.