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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think inconsolable toddler trumps a few beers?

28 replies

nextyearsgirl · 04/08/2014 23:37

Partner and I have just agreed to trial separation. He is still in the spare room but I am trying very hard to keep my distance. We have a 1.5yo DS.
He works long hours and has stayed out drinking after work every night he hasn't had full childcare responsibilities (I.e. 1 night).
DS has had a very unsettling couple of weeks, coupled with some awful teething. Tonight he has been on all fours thrashing around screaming in his sleep every 30 minutes. I have been up since 4am, no idea what I can do for him, he won't even let me cuddle him.
So, in desperation I call partner to ask advice. He starts very friendly and casually until I ask if he would come home to help. (He can hear DS in the background Roaring.) And his response is to whine he wanted a few beers, then get annoyed and ask what I would do in a few weeks when he moves out. Was I unreasonable to ask for support from my child's father under the circumstances?

OP posts:
NoodleOodle · 04/08/2014 23:54

Ywnbu to ask for his support; when he's moved out ywnbu to do the same - call him and ask for support.

Does he often have a drink after work?

Namechangearoonie123 · 04/08/2014 23:56

It isn't that you're unreasonable, it's just there's no point

A fact that will comfort you when he has his kid overnight and you've turned your phone off and gone to sleep Smile

Roll on that day

Original poster
nextyearsgirl · 04/08/2014 23:58

Not that often, he has rarely come home drunk since DS was born, bar a couple of planned nights out. But every night since we agreed to separate he has. It's as if he has been dying to do it and now he is free. He says he wants us to be able to be a family unit but I don't see how if this is his reaction.

OP posts:
Original poster
nextyearsgirl · 05/08/2014 00:01

If only namechange! Part of the reason for separating is me having some control issues, especially when it comes to DS, no way I could put myself off duty.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/08/2014 00:20

I think yabu. You're separated. At your request? And also, I'm not sure what you wanted him to come home to do? You said you couldn't comfort your ds, do you think he could?

Original poster
nextyearsgirl · 05/08/2014 00:21

Separated at his request. I requested that he take some time off work to reduce general stress levels, he would rather take time off from his family apparently.

OP posts:
thicketofstars · 05/08/2014 01:03

He would have more access than one night a week when he moves out. You must be beside yourself. Yes, he should come home. Not to help you, though. To look after DS.

Original poster
nextyearsgirl · 05/08/2014 01:10

Well clearly I am being punished for having the cheek to ask because he isn't home yet. It's not like we have to pack up a whole flat for moving tomorrow or anything while looking after DS. How the hell have I managed to get my life in such a state?

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyQS · 05/08/2014 07:11

Why did you request he takes time off from work? To go on holiday? To be home and parent with you?

EarthWindFire · 05/08/2014 07:31

What do you mean by you have control issues?

ikeaismylocal · 05/08/2014 07:43

You can't expect your dc's father to take responsibility if your unwilling to step back from your responsibility sometimes.

Why don't you start 50/50 responsibility as if you were already living apart so the evenings/nights your partner/ex has responsibility he does the bedtime routine and any nighttime wake ups and you don't interfere?

There isn't much 2 people can do with a hysterical toddler that 1 person can't do.

CoffeeTea103 · 05/08/2014 08:03

I can see both sides. Yanbu to want him to come home in ten hope that he may get DS to settle down a bit.
Your DH has a point too, when he moves out and isn't able to come then you would have no choice but to deal with it.
However since he is at the moment able to do something he should have come home.

dancestomyowntune · 05/08/2014 08:24

it sounds as though you don't really want to seperate. have you been honest with him about your feelings? or are you just going along with what he wants? i can see both sides to be honest. perhaps he doesn't realise how your feeling.

googoodolly · 05/08/2014 08:42

What control issues do you have? Because if you separate, he'll get overnight access to your DS and he will have no obligation to call you or anything during that time. You'll need to learn to let go and accept that your ex is an equal parent and he has just as much right to parent his son in his way as you do in yours.

I see that you wanted him to come home, but you're not together anymore. When he's no longer living with you, he won't be able to come and help when it gets hard. He'll have his access nights and on those nights, you won't be able to go and see your DS when you want either.

vestandknickers · 05/08/2014 08:50

I sympathise with you wanting some support, but I do think you were being unreasonable to expect him to drop everything and come. Your DS had you with him and you weren't able to soothe him. What could your partner have done?

He has a point that you can't do that once you're separated.

I hope your DS has a better night tonight.

deakymom · 05/08/2014 09:30

he is being unreasonable if he still wants to be a family that includes taking the rough with the smooth and its not classed as doing you a favour when its your own child

set this up with a friend when he gets home hand over the child and say your going out and go out when he rings tell him your having a drink and he needs to deal with it as he won't be able to ring you when its his access weekend will he! then go to sleep at your friends

my ex deliberately made my daughter ill once so i rang him up to see what he had done to her he wanders over she vomits near him he says its hardly his fault and buggers off again so dont believe him if he ever says (like mine did) if she is ill ring me i will come over and give you a hand it just wont work

get used to doing everything by yourself

Original poster
nextyearsgirl · 05/08/2014 09:46

I have control issues because he is bipolar and has form for destructive behaviour. He has bailed on responsibilities at critical times with our DS in the past. I wanted him.yo come home because I have been worried about him, due to lack of sleep and drinking too much without taking his meds for several days now.
Also, on a selfish note, we were meant to be packing up to move today and instead he has stayed out all night doing god knows what substances. If he wants to be a parent he has to accept that sometimes responsibilities come first.
I have only just tracked him down, clearly on a comedown and he hasn't even asked where DS is. I had to arrange an emergency nursery session to allow me to pack on my own.

OP posts:
TheIronGnome · 05/08/2014 09:49

I can see both sides tbh. If you never let him do the parenting why wouldn't he go out every night and prioritize his work? What exactly are your 'control issues'? What other people are saying is right- if he moves out and he wants to, he could get 50/50 custody of which you'll have no say.

Original poster
nextyearsgirl · 05/08/2014 09:49

Time off work is because he has been putting his MH at risk with the amount of stress and hours he has been doing. Also, because he made a promise when DS was born that he would make sure he took his full holiday entitlement as family time. So far he has had numerous holiday time cancelled at the last minute by his boss. Or he never got around to requesting it.

OP posts:
TheIronGnome · 05/08/2014 09:50

X post op.

Please don't drip feed it's a PITA

Original poster
nextyearsgirl · 05/08/2014 09:52

Sorry, it seemed like a bit of a long saga to explain when I was upset. Also, I wanted to know if the bipolar was relevant or if I blame too much on it.

OP posts:
knickernicker · 05/08/2014 09:55

YANBU but I presume his lack of ability to parent was one of the reasons you're separating anyway, so you know he's unlikely to step up to his responsibilities anyway.
I would leave him to it. Expect nothing from him as you're unlikely to get it.

knickernicker · 05/08/2014 09:59

Also keep a note of how little he is doing re your son. If he does want 50/50 when you separate fully and you're not happy to put son in that vulnerable position then you will have evidence to support your view.

wigglylines · 05/08/2014 10:02

"Please don't drip feed it's a PITA"

What a ridiculously nasty thing to say.

nextyearsgirl I would advise posting in relationships, you'll get much more balanced, constructive advice over there.

There were threads recently from MNHQ about AIBU being under review at the request of several posters, as it's become so full of nastiness.

wigglylines · 05/08/2014 10:03

Sorry, I should have acknowledged that there are some constructive responses here too of course (quick, before I get flamed!)

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