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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be angry at dh for reading my messages ?

73 replies

woollyandtig · 03/08/2014 22:20

Sorry it's facebook related . Dh decided to have a good old nosy through my messages and shock horror doesn't like them all.
He is sulking not said 2 words to me . And acting as if I have betrayed him.
messages where between me and my closest friend discussing childhood romance's there was a good reason behind that. And a message between me and another old friend who happens to be male . That one could be missread but the jist of it is him saying he had always wanted to ask me out and I said I wonder what would have happened it proceeded and was jokey it was of course purely hypothetical.

I know this sounds stupid and honestly it is but aibu for being angry or is he ?

OP posts:

Original poster

woollyandtig · 03/08/2014 23:55

puntasticusername Thanks need one right now.

It wouldn't be in alot of ways it would be a relief but financially im stuck we are renting from his friend and I would have no where to go and no money. Honestly if I had the means to I would .

OP posts:

MostWicked · 03/08/2014 23:55

Why not just be open and honest with him?
I have nothing to hide from my DH. Our computers and phones are available to each other. We know each other's passwords.
BUT
I would still be furious if he made a point of reading through my personal messages, texts or emails! I have the right to a little privacy without being up to anything that would upset him. Just private conversations, or even things I am arranging as a surprise or presents.

puntasticusername · 04/08/2014 00:18

Ok, I know nothing about this other than what I've read on Mumsnet but - I understand Women's Aid can be extremely helpful in situations such as this? Ie helping you understand what your options are, what benefits you're entitled to etc.

wafflyversatile · 04/08/2014 00:46

CAB might be more relevant if you can get an appt with all the cuts.

There are benefits etc you would be able to get. Splitting up is not an easy choice or process but it sounds like staying together would be worse.

It concerns me that he may be looking for something to blame you for to serve as an excuse to not support his kids if you split, or use against you, or get other people to have sympathy for him, something like that.

sykadelic · 04/08/2014 00:57

YANBU to be upset that he's not talking to you about it and is instead sulking.

HINBU to be upset that you were flirting with someone, whether he should have snooped or not.

Given your update though about him having cheated in the past, and now that he's going to the gym... me thinks he doth protest too much.

SpringItOn · 04/08/2014 01:13

Woolly he's an arse. Sounds to me like he's got a guilty conscience.

Is your MN account safe? Do you need to change your PW?

wigglylines · 04/08/2014 08:39

Do you know how to delete your internet history? If he's snooping he may find this thread. Go to history, on whichever devices you've read this thread, and delete these pages specifically.

Or, when you use mumsnet, open up a "private browsing" window in your browser and then the pages won't be saved.

Make sure you don't leave any private browsing windows open though, no need to make him more paranoid!

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2014 09:00

Whatever you do, get your passwords changed to ones he couldn't possibly guess - and don't use the same one for everything.

And even if you think you're stuck for the moment, start looking into future options. Get advice.

deakymom · 04/08/2014 09:20

make sure you delete or don't have any conversations with old friends about what might have been

his behaviour sounds suspicious joins a gym spends hours away and suspects you of cheating? call JK maybe (just kidding about jk xx)

keep your phone or take his say you need it to make phone calls! if he insists on taking yours get virgin mobile and edf etc to ring up about quotes they are persistent buggers!

make your exit plans now sounds like he is building up to a justification defence ie i only cheated because you did XYZ etc

sorry xxx

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 04/08/2014 10:31

YANBU. I would be furious. DH and I leave our phone lying around all the time but I would never dream of snooping. He wouldn't either.
I do think the content of your messages was a little inappropriate but it sounds like that was just a bit misguided.
I really hope you find a way to leave. You need to.

oddcommentator · 04/08/2014 10:46

I cannot believe I am reading this! MN double standards strike again!

He snooped, he was going on gut instinct and he found inappropriate messages to another man. Of course he is sulky! Now reverse the genders and it would all be - guilty as charged for the bloke wouldnt it?

Look - you are both in a shitty position - you have had inappropriate messaging with another guy - oh it may be innocent but it certainly wont look that way to him will it? He has cheated in the past and therefore cannot leave the house without permission.

You both probably need slapping round the head with a wet haddock and start talking to each other - like grown ups.

justmyview · 04/08/2014 10:50

No way he should have snooped and read private messages. I'm surprised how many people seem to think this is OK

MostWicked · 04/08/2014 11:47

Pop over to the relationship boards - every single time, women are told "yes its ok to snoop" You cant trust him unless he hands over all passwords and anything that can be used to communicate with anyone at all. etc etc
That would be appalling advice to anyone in a relationship.
Snooping is despicable behaviour under all but the most extreme circumstances (ie: someone has gone missing)
Anyone who goes into a relationship requiring all passwords from their partner, has no place being in a relationship at all!
A very mildly flirty and very brief conversation with a member of the opposite sex, is not infidelity, it's not even particularly inappropriate. It's meaningless light hearted banter.

Sallyingforth · 04/08/2014 13:00

A very mildly flirty and very brief conversation with a member of the opposite sex, is not infidelity, it's not even particularly inappropriate. It's meaningless light hearted banter.

Agreed, and making it private can only lead to suspicion that it is something more serious than it is.

I'm obviously in the minority on this, but to my mind 'privacy' means that there are secrets, and mistrust as to how a partner may view them if he/she found out.

From the very start my DP and I have been entirely open about everything in our personal lives, including previous relationships. It means we can have absolute trust in each other.

If I wanted to keep secrets from DP I would have to question myself why I couldn't trust him to know them. And I know he feels the same because he has said so.

The Relationships board is full of people suspicious because their partner has hidden emails. texts or voicemails, and wondering what this may mean.

The only things I keep from DP are plans to buy him presents or arrange surprises for him.

But clearly others here feel differently.

ApocalypseThen · 04/08/2014 13:19

If I wanted to keep secrets from DP I would have to question myself why I couldn't trust him to know them.

Don't you even want a small piece of your own mind to yourself?

Sallyingforth · 04/08/2014 16:09

Don't you even want a small piece of your own mind to yourself?

Indeed, I have many private thoughts, some good, some bad, some clever, some rubbish.

But this thread is about messages on social media.

If I'm going to share my thoughts with anyone, they are no longer private. Since DP is the person I trust the most, he will be first on the list to see them if he chooses.

MostWicked · 04/08/2014 16:46

Sallyingforth I think you are missing the point. These messages weren't made private, they were already private.
I have no secrets from my DH. We are very open with each other, but there is an invasion of privacy that goes way beyond wanting secrecy.
I trust him completely, without ever feeling the need to check up on him.

How would you feel if you found out that your DH had installed something on your phone to record all your telephone conversations? Then he was listening to them to check if you were being faithful. Or maybe he wanted to track all of your movements? Even if you have nothing to hide, there comes a point when you expect trust without being checked up on.

It's not so much privacy, as personal space and trust.
The OPs DH clearly doesn't trust her when he has no reason not to. It's not about what he found, it's about what he did.

MostWicked · 04/08/2014 16:53

making it private can only lead to suspicion that it is something more serious than it is.

Actually, I have to disagree. My DH making something private, hiding something from me or switching the screen off when I walked into the room, would NOT make me suspicious, simply because I do trust him completely. He can keep things private, for whatever reasons he wants to, BECAUSE I trust him.
If I needed to know everything and see every message he had ever written, that could only be because I didn't trust him.

I trust his judgement that if he doesn't share something with me, then there is a good reason for it. It wouldn't occur to me that he had something to hide. I don't think it is something that happens very often as we share a lot, but as a human being, he has the right to private thoughts (private from me), even when he shares them with other people!

Sallystyle · 04/08/2014 17:41

If I thought my husband was cheating I would absolutely look through his messages. It is advised here all the time to get proof before confronting, that is standard advice; some even mentioning apps to install so you can read everything the person is writing.

So I have no problems with someone looking through someone's messages to get proof of an affair, but they better have a darned good reason to suspect it in the first place.

So I disagree that snooping is despicable behaviour all the time. I have never once looked through any of my husbands messages as I have no need to, if he gives me a good reason to be suspicious of an affair I would look without a second thought though.

It doesn't seem like this is the case for the OP though, it does seem like her is projecting his behaviour onto the OP more than he was genuinely suspicious of her having an affair.

MostWicked · 04/08/2014 19:21

Standard advice from who? Forum world?
Certainly no professional person would ever advise that.
You would be on very dodgy ground legally, particularly if you installed some of the snooping apps.

Sallystyle · 04/08/2014 21:47

Yes on MN's.

If someone thinks their husband is having an affair they are often advised to get proof. Screen shots etc before confronting their partner.

Would you really not snoop if you had strong feelings that you were being cheated on but wanted/needed evidence to confirm your fears?

To be clear, I am not condoning what the OP's husband did as there is nothing to suggest that he thought she was having an affair and it's more likely he is projecting his behaviour onto her, so I am just talking in general.

BringMeTea · 04/08/2014 21:51

YANBU.

MostWicked · 04/08/2014 21:55

I would never do it because I would never want to be on the receiving end of it and I think it is reprehensible behaviour.
It is a moral that I would not compromise.

If I was in a relationship where I really felt that I couldn't trust my partner, then I would see no point in being in that relationship. The lack of trust and the suspicious behaviour would be enough to tell me that the relationship wasn't working.

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