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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be angry at dh for reading my messages ?

73 replies

woollyandtig · 03/08/2014 22:20

Sorry it's facebook related . Dh decided to have a good old nosy through my messages and shock horror doesn't like them all.
He is sulking not said 2 words to me . And acting as if I have betrayed him.
messages where between me and my closest friend discussing childhood romance's there was a good reason behind that. And a message between me and another old friend who happens to be male . That one could be missread but the jist of it is him saying he had always wanted to ask me out and I said I wonder what would have happened it proceeded and was jokey it was of course purely hypothetical.

I know this sounds stupid and honestly it is but aibu for being angry or is he ?

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 03/08/2014 23:08

How did he manage to reset your password by himself?

Original poster
woollyandtig · 03/08/2014 23:09

DontPutMeDownForCardio I am evil Because I replied to old friend saying about always wishing he had asked me out by saying maybe I would have and we could have had lots of kids but only if you can fry an egg ;)
. stupid and embarrassing but not anything terrible and to be honest I didn't know how to respond . it was 2 months ago so obviously no ongoing stream of messages.

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 03/08/2014 23:09

It was perfectly clear to me that the messages were private.

MostWicked · 03/08/2014 23:09

Outrageous behaviour from him. What the hell does he think he was doing by reading through your private messages and changing your password.

Have you asked him why he felt the need to do it in the first place? I suspect he was looking for evidence to prove your infidelity in order to justify his own. He had to find something so he picks up on some comments from another man and decides that you have behaved inappropriately.

I would be furious with him and I have absolutely nothing to hide. It is downright rude.

puntasticusername · 03/08/2014 23:11

milbra stop digging yourself a whole - the second I read "Facebook messages" I assumed it meant private messages. If she'd meant "posts on my Facebook wall" she'd probably have said that instead.

If you aren't familiar enough with Facebook to immediately Get this kind of stuff, maybe don't go blithely making wrong assumptions and then jumping all over other people with your size 9s?

Original poster
woollyandtig · 03/08/2014 23:11

puntasticusername my email account is linked to the tablet and in retrospect my security question was to easy

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 03/08/2014 23:13

Gah.

Ah, well

puntasticusername · 03/08/2014 23:15

woolly X-post - ah, ok. I'd strongly suggest beefing up your security, then - maybe use a password safe (Google it) with a single, strong password that would be hard for him to guess?

Also, the more you say the worse this sounds in terms of just how much effort he put into invading your privacy Confused

Original poster
woollyandtig · 03/08/2014 23:16

MostWicked He wont speak to me , he is sat in the kitchen on the tablet probably looking for more proof . I am just glad he is ignoring me it beats the shouting I was expecting . I am so nervous right now dreading tomorrow.

OP posts:
Glenshee · 03/08/2014 23:17

Yikes. Apportioning blame will not solve anything will it? But some serious, honest and respectful discussions might bring you a step closer.

Floop · 03/08/2014 23:20

I'm not sure milbra understands private messaging on Facebook OP.

No fault in the conversation with you female friend. Too flirty with male friend if it wasn't stuff you'd say in front of DH.

DH is at fault too though. He should communicate his feelings rather than sulk like a child.

PinkSquash · 03/08/2014 23:21

So he's joined a gym recently and has become paranoid... OP, you know this isn't healthy, to have you worried too isn't good. Sad

Sallyingforth · 03/08/2014 23:24

Why not just be open and honest with him?

I don't use the wretched FB thing, but my email screen is open all day and DP is welcome to read it anytime he likes. Ditto with his - he often asks me to read out the messages on his phone if he's driving.

Glenshee · 03/08/2014 23:24

Ah sorry caught up now on the follow-up info, and agree that his behaviour is not acceptable. Still, if you are still interested in this relationship (are you?) and if you can trust him to act in family's best interests (can you?) then some serious, honest conversations are the way to go.

Original poster
woollyandtig · 03/08/2014 23:32

Sallyingforth I try to be my email , facebook account and phone are constantly around and he could check whenever he needed too I have nothing to hide. But some things I dont want him reading surely I have a right to gossip with my friend without him checking up , df lives in another country so its our only way of communicating regularly and tbh my only contact with outside world right now. Dh takes my phone out regularly as it has better camera he takes his too though.

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 03/08/2014 23:34

Even married women are allowed some privacy, Sally!

she hasn't been dishonest with him for not reporting every conversation she has with everyone else.

What do you want to happen now, woolly?

Original poster
woollyandtig · 03/08/2014 23:36

Glenshee honestly probably no to both of those questions but I feel trapped. I have no one else for support. No friends and family that don't care. Dd1 has aspergers and right now dd2 is constantly feeding I dont think I could cope alone just now.

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 03/08/2014 23:37

What does he do to support the kids? Is he very hands on then?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 03/08/2014 23:38

He's an arsehole and has no right to be checking up on you and invading your privacy. "Walking on eggshells" around him is a huge, bloody great warning flag. I wouldn't put up with it. You can do as you like.

Original poster
woollyandtig · 03/08/2014 23:39

wafflyversatile I have no idea im scared about what tomorrow will be like he is off work tomorrow so no doubt day of no speaking or maybe he will just leave for hours on end.

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 03/08/2014 23:40

He takes your phone out with him, as well as his, just because "it has a better camera"?

Alongside the rest of what you've said, I'm afraid I'm going to file that under Chinny Reckon.

You don't sound at all happy, woolly. What do you think you want to do about it?

Original poster
woollyandtig · 03/08/2014 23:41

wafflyversatile dd1 adores him but he is constantly telling her off and alot of the time for no good reason . Dd2 is only 5months old but he does very little with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
woollyandtig · 03/08/2014 23:42

In an ideal world puntasticusername leave him but thats not possible right now

OP posts:
HappySeaTurtles · 03/08/2014 23:43

He went out of his way to snoop, and he got upset about something he wasn't suppose to read. It's not like he was eavesdropping and couldn't help when he overheard.

Private conversations are just that.

puntasticusername · 03/08/2014 23:49

Oh woolly, big hugs. (plus Ob Disclaimer of big hugs being unMumsnetty).

It sounds as if you're living under so much strain at the moment. If you really want to leave him, would being a lone parent really be that much worse than living as you are now?

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