To think my bil needs to grow a pair and tell his wife to pipe down

[Thefishewife]

For the seconed year in a row he failed to go out on his birthday because he says it's not. Worth the hassle she is very condoling never wanting him to go out with his brothers or his friends

One brothers married to me and the other brother is hardly a lad he's like one of those hippes that attends those protest fracking type things

He's never allowed out she either cries or try's to go why would you want to be the only women out with 7 guys down the pub *she on the other hand is out most weekends with her mates leaves him with the kids she always shouting at him about house work he's not actually lazy she should try my husband if she wants lazy my oh once rang to ask him down the pub she actually rang my husband back and told him xxxxxx is not coming out today as if he's ten wtf

Anyone every gets married he's not aloud to go for fear of a strip club though I feel this is used as a smoke screen

And I have been told after my dh stag do he was questioned by her for two hours on arrival home

(I still don't know what they got up to bar a crypt voicemail saying oh sit we have lost mark then a voice in the background saying no you rang the wrong phone but I don't care what they got up to)

My bil is really lovely and I wish he would grow a pair and tell her to pipe down and that he's going for a swif half with his brothers

I agree with Derek too. I think the only way forward is for her husband to try to talk to his brother if he's concerned. We only have the OP's perspective on this and it doesn't seem appropriate to try to find reasons for his wife's behaviour (if indeed it is as stated)

I think OP "cares" because it's someone who is related to her (even by marriage) and she is seeing what she believes is a form of abuse and it's not right.

Does it really matter if it doesn't impact on her day to day life with her family? Not really but that could be said about anything that's written about on MN.

I also agree that if it was a woman there would be posters say LTB/call Women's Aid etc.

her last word was don't let anyone in while I'm away

I say this to my 14yo not a grown up who happens to be my df whose house it also belongs to!

Just a thought though, was the house perhaps a mess and she didn't want anyone seeing it and judging her before she had time to tidy up?

Sorryforthetypos I think there are only 2 brothers.

I agree waffly - I just mentioned emotional abuse because the OP didn't mention physical or financial abuse.

But they happen to men too.

I think the OP was just trying to say that neither brother was likely to lead the BIL into bad ways, they were probably just going to have and a nice evening with a few drinks - ie that there really was no justification for saying the poor guy couldn't go out for an evening with his brothers.

It sounds to me that there is a real possibility that the BIL is in an abusive relationship. If I knew that was going on in my family or friendship group I'd be very bothered. It's a bit sad to say that so long as it doesn't affect your life you shouldn't care.

Are you drunk?

Is who drunk teenagers?

I read the 'hippy' brother as being unlikely to lead BIL astray, take him clubbing, to a lap dancing bar, etc.

This very much sounds like control to the point of abuse. It isn't a case of BIL growing a pair (awful expression), but recognising that he is being abused and wanting to do something about it.

the OP.

Well, I don't think the OP is drunk but even if she was it doesn't change anything.

Why would that be relevant? - people often spill out their concerns after a wine.

cogitosum it reads as there are three brothers in total. In the OP it says the SIL doesn't like him to go out with his brothers; one brother being the OP's DH, the other brother being the hippy type.

Anyway I agree with everything EatShitDerek has said.

Doesn't sound like abuse tbh. Are you sure he doesn't just use it as an excuse not to hang out with you guys as much? Some people really like the cosy life once they settle with kids. I sometimes say to my mates I don't want to leave dp alone with the dc, dp doesn't want me to go out if I haven't got a good reason for not going out. Difficult to make a complete judgement without hearing all sides here. I wouldn't barge in but maybe ask him outright if he's happy in the relationship.

I don't think op

Ffs. Sorry. I dont think op was being judgemental of 'hippy' brother. Descriptive.

It does sound like abuse. I dont think its about growing a pair though. Its about him needing support. It is great you take his wife out so he can see his brother. I hope your BIL takes strength from that. I am sorry you are going through this as a family. Perhaps start a new thread in relationships?

If you think your dh would be more likely to cheat on you than BIL would on SIL, and your oh is lazy about housework then I don't understand why that's not a bigger cause of concern to you than their relationship

You both seem to have completely different approaches to your relationships. The best support you can give your BIL is not to be judgemental, give him space to talk about his relationship and how he feels about it (not how you think he should feel about it) and if he says he is unhappy then offer him support to be able to change his situation.

Yes OP, start a new thread in relationships, or get get this thread moved. There are some shocking comments on this thread. No wonder men who are abused think no-one will take it seriously!

I'm not sure the lukewarm reception was bcs of BILs gender.

I think it was the expression "grow a pair" and the belief that a wife is unreasonable to not want her DH to go to a strip club that made me think that the OP was someone who might possibly be seeing things in the same way I (and other posters?) would.

Having said that, if SIL is being controlling to the point of not letting him speak, then of course YANBU and you might want to have a chat to BIL as to how he feels about all this.

The Same, she said that the wife won't let him go to a stag do, just in case they go to a strip club, and the OP thinks it is just a 'smoke screen' (i.e. she just doesn't want him going out). That is a different thing. Of course it is unreasonable.

Wow, what a lot of unnecessary rudeness; it is the OP's business, because they're family, and both she and her DH are concerned

I agree with Derek, op wouldnt be getting replies like some of these if this was about a bil not wanting his wife to go out

TheFisheWife DH and I have been in this situation with his brother and his wife. BIL is not allowed anywhere without her, DHs' stag do (Go Karting, paintballing and a curry at our house) was a no go as was his 21st birthday party (a meal out with family and friends)

We used to socialise quite a bit with BIL before he got married, cinema nights, meals out etc. We aren't the clubbing/pubbing types but we all enjoy a good chat and a catch up but these things are long gone.

BIL isn't allowed to buy gifts for my DS, for his DM or his Dsis. This is "family" money and as she has no family that she speaks to, she believes its unreasonable for DH to buy gifts for others.

We have tried speaking to him and speaking to her but it left us alienated and now neither of them speak to us. On her say so.

Its a shit situation all round and MIL is gutted about the whole thing but he knows we are here if he needs us and that's all we can offer right now.

Wow, what a lot of unnecessary rudeness; it is the OP's business, because they're family, and both she and her DH are concerned

^^ this.

And why are the fuckng grammar police on the thread?

This is why people walk on by when they see a woman abusing a man. It's not taken seriously, and the assumption is that he has done something to deserve it. If this was the other way around, you would all be screaming abuse.

Op yanbu. If I saw my bil being treated like that I would be very upset.

I think you and your husband need to talk to him to ask him if he is happy and if there is anything you can do as you are concerned.