Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Daughter's hair

74 replies

Vicky5910 · 03/08/2014 17:25

First timer!

AIBU to get annoyed when other people do my DDs hair? She is wild and active and I always just brush it up into a ponytail to keep it out of her way. She is nearly 4.

But any chance they get, SILs give her cutesy little plaits or a bun or something. I feel like it's a waste of her time and teaching her that her looks are too important. She doesn't mind really, she's a people pleaser.

So AIBU to be bothered?

OP posts:

Coumarin · 03/08/2014 19:06

Really Viv ? How d

Coumarin · 03/08/2014 19:06

Oops

Really Viv? In what way?

Spinaroo · 03/08/2014 19:07

Do your SILs have children? Perhaps they are just emulating either what they do with their own- or indeed what they enjoyed as youngsters.

I assume from your post that you are a teacher and I can see your point to an extent. However, there are lots of gorgeous girls with beautiful manes who also do well at school, I'm sure you will agree. I think it is equally important they see they can be beautiful and intelligent and that they are not in one category at the expense if the other. I remember a particularly pointed comment from a peer in this regard.

mummytime · 03/08/2014 19:21

BTW I have read quite a lot about the damage of calling children "clever" rather than praising their effort or specific achievements.

Vivacia · 03/08/2014 19:24

coumarin I have only learned about this in recent years, and have been astounded to learn how much of our character is determined by incredibly early events.

Vivacia · 03/08/2014 19:26

mummytime I wouldn't go so far as to say "damaging" but I was reminded up thread about the work of Dweck on effective and effective verbal praise.

Original poster

Vicky5910 · 03/08/2014 19:26

Oh gosh yes mummytime empty praise is as damaging as no praise at all. Clever has to be linked to something tangible! A lot of gifted and talented students have this problem. They are so used to be told how clever they are just in general, they refuse to attempt anything they might not do well in immediately.
I was paraphrasing a bit, I would always try to put a reason with my observations. Working with children makes parenting a real minefield, I know first hand the damage that can be done, it's scary really!

OP posts:

Original poster

Vicky5910 · 03/08/2014 19:29

Spinaroo they don't have children, no. They probably think it's what they will do with their own daughters should they have them. I imagine I had a similar idea before dd also...

OP posts:

Coumarin · 03/08/2014 19:50

Sounds interesting Viv I confess I hadn't realised. I thought people pleasing was something only an adult or at least a much older child would do.

nooka · 03/08/2014 19:55

My dd had wild tangly hair that worked it's way our of ponytails very fast. Our nanny was much better than me or dh at getting it into styles that stayed put, but I would have been concerned if she was also giving her messages at such a young age that how you look is in any way important. Of course the rest of the world was doing that anyway, so it's fighting an uphill battle really. Going out with her and ds (16mths older but the same size for years, sometimes taken for twins) she always got comments about looking pretty, very different to the reactions he got, which were generally about being adventurous. Even though they were mostly doing exactly the same thing.

Anyway she got a short bob cut at seven and has had short hair ever since (currently she has a purple stripy pixie cut). Looking back I wonder why on earth we didn't cut her hair long long before, she looks much nicer and it would have been so much less hassle. I do wonder why long hair is so very much the default for little girls.

nooka · 03/08/2014 19:56

Oh and my dd was definitely a people pleaser from a very young age, she is very extrovert and loves to be loved. Great for school, less good for friendships.

Vivacia · 03/08/2014 19:58

I thought people pleasing was something only an adult or at least a much older child would do.

It could well be that I'm misinterpreting the term "people pleaser".

AliceInGallifrey · 03/08/2014 20:06

Yabu.

If dd has been to my mams etc I always know if she's seen my sister at work. She's a hairdresser. Her hair will be perfect and so will the baby's ( she's a miracle worker)

I like seeing her all nice ... Before she's off in the garden sticking worms in her pockets.

She's not shallow and she normally wants her to do it so no harm done

MammaTJ · 03/08/2014 20:13

They are people who care about her who are making a fuss of her.

Unless they are setting fire to her hair and sending smoke signals, no messages are being sent!

wonkyandproudish · 03/08/2014 20:33

Yabu plaits are much more comfy than a ponytail!

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 03/08/2014 20:40

I don't think looks are important. I do think that it is important to teach a child to be clean and well groomed as in clean teeth, clean face and clean brushed hair. If hair is long, it should be tied back for activities. Clean clothes also essential
But that's it. If my child knows and can do these things, I'm a happy camper!

ginnybag · 03/08/2014 21:05

I have knee length hair, DD (4) has hair just past her waist and growing.

99% of the time, we have matching single plaits down our backs. I've had comments about it being 'cute' that we have matching hair, but, actually, it's only matching because it's the best balance of comfy, tidy and quick to do there is!

A ponytail takes time to put in tidily - i.e. central and with no bumps of hair - the bobble has to be tight for it to be effective, which is bad for the hair strands, esp. everyday, and it does nothing to prevent tangles and contact with other heads.

If I send DD to preschool (and school, in Sept) in a ponytail, the bobble falls out, she gets food/paint/glue/snot etc in the length, it gets full of tangles and we're most definitely risking nits!

Instead, it gets plaited and covered in Vosene tea-tree spray. The result - a child who doesn't spend all day messing with her hair and who (touch-wood) has gone a year with no head-lice, depsite them going round.

If you're really looking to have a no-fuss, practical hair style, learn to plait!

HoneyTits · 03/08/2014 21:09

YABU!

JustSpeakSense · 03/08/2014 21:11

I think it's nice that your SIL's are prepared to spend time with your DD and do something nice for her.

It's only hair, no big deal.

why do you feel threatened by SIL's buns & plaits?

appealtakingovermylife · 03/08/2014 21:25

My dd is 3.5 and has a mop of tight ringlets that just grows outwards!
She has never once let me put so much as a clip in her hair, never mind a bobble or headband.
I would love to have her hair in a ponytail now it's just long enough but not a chance.
After an 8yr gap from ds, I was looking forward to ribbons and bobbles etc but have given up trying.
Be glad that she lets people do her hair, it's only a bit of fun:)

ElephantsNeverForgive · 04/08/2014 01:28

Also I don't think anyone ever called DD2, cute or pretty. No one has ever needed to.

She knew how to wrap adults round her little finger from the day she stepped in to nursery aged 18 months.

She charmed the socks off her Y2 teacher, very handy when they are promoted to HT.

She charmed her way (age11) in to being my cousin's bridesmaid. She met his fiance at another wedding the year before.

She doesn't do it deliberately, she just has a lethal mixture of quite pettiness, linked to an brain that has more than her fair share of academic, social and emotional cleverness.

I'm really I, can probably beat ber at science and maths, but I'm utterly usles at people.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 04/08/2014 01:29

Oh and she can spell

HappySeaTurtles · 04/08/2014 01:45

You're reading way too much into a hairstyle.

I used to braid my little cousin's hair into cute french braids and updos. She still grew up to be a sports star in her school.

It's just hair.

You can dress DD in all the dresses you want and if she's going to be a tomboy she's going to be a tomboy. You de-emphasis looks all you want, but if she wants to be all girly, she will.

She's not just a blank slate you can program with your values and interests, she'll have her own ideas whether you like it or not. So, let her have some cute hair, it's out of her face, isn't it?

CultureSucksDownWords · 04/08/2014 02:13

I think you are not being unreasonable for it to irritate you a little bit. But I imagine your relatives probably haven't had much conscious thought about why they're doing it. For many many people, little girls should be dressed up and dollied, and this is just the norm as far as they are concerned.

However, if they're doing it whilst also criticising your choices to your DD then that is very definitely not.

Flip

1 2 3