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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter's hair

74 replies

Vicky5910 · 03/08/2014 17:25

First timer!

AIBU to get annoyed when other people do my DDs hair? She is wild and active and I always just brush it up into a ponytail to keep it out of her way. She is nearly 4.

But any chance they get, SILs give her cutesy little plaits or a bun or something. I feel like it's a waste of her time and teaching her that her looks are too important. She doesn't mind really, she's a people pleaser.

So AIBU to be bothered?

OP posts:
Original poster
Vicky5910 · 03/08/2014 18:13

Lucky I read a few threads to get the feel of AIBU before I posted!
I am a bit hormonal so easily irritated. Winnibago I wonder if that's by it's bothering me... Like they are trying to parent her because they think I'm not doing a good job.

I just don't value cute hair at all and I don't want dd being told 'you're so cute/beautiful' instead of 'clever/kind'. Labels are important for kids.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 03/08/2014 18:15

Yabu about the hair.

Also yabu about your daughter being called clever/kind not cute/beautiful.

Those qualities are not mutually exclusive. How odd that you think they are.

Original poster
Vicky5910 · 03/08/2014 18:19

I don't think they are mutually exclusive at all. But there is too much emphasis on cute/beautiful for girls, and I do what I can to avoid that for her. I said 'instead of': real character traits are just replaced with compliments about looks.

Also thanks Apricot for reporting that weird comment. I figured no point in responding to that, it's really easy to be nasty from behind a screen, even nice people get sucked into it sometimes :)

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 03/08/2014 18:25

Ah I see what you mean about the compliments thing. Quite true, often.

elQuintoConyo · 03/08/2014 18:27

Oh... I called DS pretty yesterday, when I sent him out in bunny hairclips (they stand up like bunny ears, they're awesome!) and a couple of old bead bangles.

He's 2.8 and has no idea about who values what in whom yet, more into dressing up in whatever tickles his fancy.

I agree with a poster upthread who said it depends on why Sil does it: a nice bonding, playful thing, or a subtle stab at your parenting. How is your relationship normally?

Spinaroo · 03/08/2014 18:27

I definitely wouldn't sweat it! These are ways to keep it tidy too.

You obviously have an idea if what looks nice on her too or else you could have it cropped to save constantly tying it up. I don't think it's sending any other messages- but I sympathise if you feel that SIL doing her hair differently is an inherent criticism of the way you choose to do it. I could also be quite sensitive to this in your shoes- can only be more rational as an outside observer Smile

PlacidApricots · 03/08/2014 18:28

Very easy, they would never say it to your face so why here? I understand where you are coming from though. YANBU.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 03/08/2014 18:30

OP I can see where your coming from, but little girls like messing with their hair and they instinctively understand some people enjoy doing it for them.

Long hair is a brilliant toy, you always have it with you. DD2 never came back from primary school with her hair the way it went.

Both DDs spend hours watching YouTube videos and doing each others hair. Even though they are teens, it's for fun and the technical challenge. It's something they enjoy doing together.

When DD2 is being fashion conscious and meeting her mates its a messy bun, not a complicated plait.

thecageisfull · 03/08/2014 18:31

People call little girls beautiful/cute because they are socialised to do so, not because they actually are. Girls with ponytails will not automatically get called kind/clever while the girl standing next to them with plaits gets called cute.

fluffyraggies · 03/08/2014 18:36

If you really have strong issues with girls' long hair and it's connotations why not have her hair cut in a short bob or pixie cut?

JenniferJo · 03/08/2014 18:37

Simple answer - pixie cut. She can't plait that.

ThatLightbulbMoment · 03/08/2014 18:37

my dd1s hair is wild and I find it's much easier to tame if I pleat it Confused

fluffyraggies · 03/08/2014 18:40

I used to keep all of my DDs hair in close plaits when they were at primary because it seemed to help stop them catching nits as often, not because it was 'cute'.

vicmackie · 03/08/2014 18:43

YANBU.

KatherinaMinola · 03/08/2014 18:43

MIL did this once - it drove me insane for the same reasons. The look she got off me, she never tried it again...

YANBU.

Vivacia · 03/08/2014 18:44

Take a deep breath and be grateful that there are people in your daughter's life who give her the message that she is a beautiful person and that she's worth taking the time over and that can model to her something more than just being clean.

Original poster
Vicky5910 · 03/08/2014 18:45

I don't mind the long hair at all, we both have long hair. I mind that she was telling me she would play football and bubbles with her aunts before she left and came back having had her hair done. That perhaps they decided her hair was messy and re-did it thinking they were doing her a favour and saving her from her feminist mummy who thinks hair should take 2mins because there's too much fun to be had elsewhere.
I am likely overthinking their intentions. One SIL is a wonderful person and a great friend, the other is really hard to cope with. If it had just been the nice one I probably would just think it was intended to be for fun.
I really do believe in the power of labels. In my work I tend to be the adult who gets on with the most difficult kids because I find one good thing about them an highlight it: with me they are 'great at helping me' rather than 'great at swearing as flipping tables'. Girls who grow up valuing 'pretty' over 'clever' I fear are the ones who I confiscate make up from on a daily basis and despair at their lack of drive!

OP posts:
Happy36 · 03/08/2014 18:55

I´m a teacher and our school nurse recommends plaits, French plaits or buns to reduce transfer of headlice. My daughter will be starting school in September and we will do French plaits - luckily our housekeeper is a whizz with hair.

When I was little I loved fiddling around plaiting my hair, my friends´ hair and my My Little Ponies´ hair - little did I know then that I was improving my fine motor skills and getting my finger and hand muscles ready to grip a pencil!

I know what you mean about emphasis on looks. I keep the bathroom door closed when I need to gaze in the mirror at myself. I don´t wear make-up often and don´t apply it in front of my daughter, but hairbrushes, sun-cream and lip balm are used by everyone in our household (male and female) so I categorise them with handwashing, toothbrushing and showering rather than any kind of "preening".

LilyandGinger · 03/08/2014 18:56

I'm a feminist and my dd has all sorts of different hairstyles.

I believe that basic good grooming and self presentation are actually very important skills for children to learn. We are judged on our appearance, it's important to understand the impact of our choices in that regard.

I do tell my children that they are nice looking because I believe that a positive self image is very important.

I tell my children that they are kind, clever and good looking but that 'kind' is far and away the most important.

Floop · 03/08/2014 18:56

Its a fun, caring way aunties and nieces can bond. I wouldn't deny my DD that. Yabu.

Coumarin · 03/08/2014 19:00

Can you be a 'people pleaser' at 4 years old?

Maybe she just likes it. Having your hair played with and brushed is very relaxing.

thecageisfull · 03/08/2014 19:03

It doesn't take much longer than 2 mins to do plaits or buns so unless she is over there for less than 15 minutes she's probably done both. I was very sporty as a kid (swimming, hockey and horse riding) and had arse length hair and plaits were definitely better than pony tails for not ending up with big knots which take ages to brush out. You will even see plaits and buns on the England womens' football team.

CoffeeTea103 · 03/08/2014 19:03

Yabu, you see because you see issues where there really isn't you will project this on to your dd. Whilst most people are thinking it's just hair, you're seeing it as some sort of crime against feminism. If you are to be worried about something, worry about sending the wrong messages to your dd. This is not a problem in life unless you make it out to be.

Vivacia · 03/08/2014 19:04

Can you be a 'people pleaser' at 4 years old?

I think you can interpret it as your role in life much younger than 4.

Original poster
Vicky5910 · 03/08/2014 19:04

Lilyandginger that makes a lot of sense. I say kind is the most important too.
fluffy I will most definitely be going for buns and plaits at school age if they keep away the lice! Eurgh!

OP posts: