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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is she grabby? Am I selfish?

68 replies

Tinytillytot · 03/08/2014 12:59

I recently got an ex colleague a job in my new company. I referred her through the "referral scheme" which means I receive some money from my employer. My colleague has received an 8k pay rise starting at my place but now keeps asking how much I'm going to give her out of the referral money? At first I was shocked and laughingly said "nothing". Since then she's mentioned it on a further two occasions in front of other colleagues, it's awkward and now I feel quite angry that she's putting me on the spot. AIBU? I started at a new job when I was younger and was referred in similar circumstances and would never have dreamed of asking that person for any of the money. But maybe i'm selfish!? Im starting to doubt myself and its making me anxious. what's the verdict?

OP posts:

Walkacrossthesand · 03/08/2014 13:32

Tell her that her 'reward' is the enhanced pay she's getting as a result of you referring her. Your reward for referring her is the referral bonus and you are not sharing it with her, any more than she is offering to share the pay rise with you.

Sounds like you're learning a lot about this 'colleague' ....

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/08/2014 13:49

I'd be telling her, I'd happily give it back, cancel the referral and she can lose that nice 8k payrise.

Grabby bitch.

minibmw2010 · 03/08/2014 14:26

Tell her outright that she needs to stop now, she's making herself look bad and that you are starting to regret helping her get her new job. Remind her that it was partly due to your referral for her that she is now in the good position of a better job with a substantial payrise and that you have had enough and the conversation is closed !!!

Topaz25 · 03/08/2014 14:36

She got a new job and a payrise and you got the referral fee, it's win win. She should be grateful to you not trying to get money out of you. Remind her that you got the referral fee for getting her a new job and explain that she's not making the best impression in that new job by complaining about this in front of colleagues.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/08/2014 14:41

I think you should hand the referral fee back to your employer with a humble apology for having persuaded them to take on that dreadful "friend". You may have done her a big fat favour but you certainly don't seem to have done them one. (Not that you could have known, of course.)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2014 14:58

This referral thing, she's probably thinking of - for example - NEXT catalogue that gives both you and the referred friend some money off your next shop when you refer them.

I like AnnieGun's response; suggest that to your friend... she what she says?

If I were your friend and received a whopping £8k rise, I'd be taking you out for lunch and afterwork drinks!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/08/2014 15:09

She's being stupid, rude and unreasonable.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 03/08/2014 15:10

What a cow, and a very stupid one at that. Here's why: an ex-employer ran a referral bonus scheme, and it VERY plain that fee-splitting was gross misconduct. Because the fee didn't kick in until the newbie had done 6 weeks, some people were demanding some or all of it in return for not shitting the job up and making the referee look bad. We're talking a low wage high turnover business. Because the staff involved were male manual workers and used heavy machinery, ill feeling could have serious consequences.

OP: check with HR if a similar policy in place at your firm.

hollycomputer · 03/08/2014 15:12

Hmm, tricky one. I got a friend a job in my previous company and I split the fee with her. By the same token, a friend got me a job in the company he worked for and refused to split the fee with me. The latter was a bit irritating as I knew he was friendly with the recruitment agent so also got a kickback from them.

ChoccaDoobie · 03/08/2014 15:12

What a rude woman! You referred her, did her a favour, got her job and an significant pay rise and now she is asking you for money!!! Ummmmm...no! If she wants to receive some referral money she needs to refer someone else.....obviously! I would tell her very bluntly that this is the case and if she continues to go on about it tell her you are starting to wish you had never referred her in the first place!

hollycomputer · 03/08/2014 15:13

In my previous company, splitting the fee was very much the done thing.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 03/08/2014 15:18

In your previous company, hitting people with a jack bar was probably not very common. HGV drivers: as quarrelsome as teenage girls, but unfortunately rather better muscled.

hollycomputer · 03/08/2014 15:28

Well, no. I'm just surprised that people seem dead against splitting the fee (leaving aside your situation disgrace). Not that I thought people should or shouldn't, I guess it was more that I worked for a number of years in a company where people did it routinely so it never struck me as grabby.

Pumpkinpositive · 03/08/2014 15:36

I don't see what's tricky about it. This woman got an £8k pay rise. I doubt OP's fee was anywhere in the region of that!

If OP had received £50k then Grabby might have a point.

CustardFromATin · 03/08/2014 15:46

She's out of line.

Where I work it is also specified that referral bonuses should not be split, though usually you would take the person with the new job out for a fancy celebration dinner! The only time I would consider sharing is if my friend was definitely planning to apply anyway and I'd asked her to go through me specifically for the bonus.

I'd also go with the idea of laughing in front of other people, but also having a quiet word with her privately. going to a manager or HR might make her look like a bad choice and you look like you referred a bad choice, so that should probably be a last resort.

TwoInTheMourning · 03/08/2014 15:51

She IS grabby. Not only you shouldn't be splitting the money with her, but she should be treating you to a slap up meal. You got her a job!!!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 03/08/2014 15:53

I would deal with it in a completely professional way, which will curtail any of her highly unprofessional behaviour around you and your colleagues.

Ask the HR department to clarify (preferrably by email) with the new recruit that the referral money is a bonus specifically for the existing employee only. I'd make them aware of the situation and ensure that it is understood as a 'new recruit vs company policy' situation, rather than a 'her vs you' situation.

I'd explain to them that she seems confused and does seem to think she's 'owed' the money, and is bringing it up in front of colleagues, which is causing tension and is going to make it difficult for her to settle in and integrate into the company.

Am surprised that others are saying its something that's accepted - maybe it depends on the industry? My company would not look favorably on this, it smacks of weird back handers and dodgy dealing. They would also be very unimpressed with the new hire trying to extort money out of the existing employee.

I know you will feel awkward about involving the company, as you recommended her, but I think it's fine, particularly if you explain it as her being confused and having got the wrong end of the stick about the referral money.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 03/08/2014 15:57

I do think you need to have a discussion with her spelling out that the money isn't going to be split and that is the end of the matter.

If she continues to be a tit then go to her line manager and tell them she's being unprofessional and a bit of a tit.

The fact she has gobbed off in front of another colleague makes her sound like a bit of a liability, she hasn't much discretion has she?

ColdCottage · 03/08/2014 15:58

If she had seen the job as said to you to refer her as she knew you worked there, then I could see why you might share the money.

If you just straight forward recommended her then the money is all yours. She got the job, that was here reward.

mrscumberbatch · 03/08/2014 15:59

I split the referral money 50:50 with a friend in an old job- but only because we both knew our jobs were shit but we'd do it for the money!

WeAreEternal · 03/08/2014 16:19

I would just say,
"Unless you are planning on splitting your 8k pay rise with me I'm not going to be giving you any of my referral money"

You did her a favour getting her a job with a pay rise she sounds increadbly grabby and entitled.

CeliaFate · 03/08/2014 16:22

Wow, she's completely self absorbed isn't she? I think I'd say what WeAreEternal suggested. It's to the point and lets her know exactly where she stands.
I'd also add that her constant harassment about the subject is ungrateful, out of order and stops now.

WeAreEternal · 03/08/2014 16:23

I would deal with it in a completely professional way, which will curtail any of her highly unprofessional behaviour around you and your colleagues.

^this is very good advice, I would follow this if you don't want to confront her about it.

Optimist1 · 03/08/2014 17:01

The only circumstances I can imagine where she might be reasonable in asking you to split the fee would be if she saw that your company was advertising a position, mentioned to you that she was thinking of applying for it and you then offered to refer her.

frostyfingers · 03/08/2014 17:03

She should be giving you money by the sound of it!

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