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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In wanting us to go away/do something different for Christmas this year?

68 replies

Helensita · 03/08/2014 11:30

I know it's early to be talking about the subject but it cropped up in conversation yesterday when one of my young sons mentioned Christmas and I just said to my DH "I'd love to go somewhere sunny, by the sea and have a radically different Christmas, just the four of us, no slaving over a hot stove, no stresses over opening presents and arguments about whose toy gets assembled first by Daddy, no Daddy feeling exhausted and stressed out over instructions to said toys and (for me) no crashingly dull PIL to contend with. (They always come to us at Christmas and stay for a week. They live 300 miles away!) DH's face was a picture at the prospect of "rocking the boat" on Christmas Day.

OP posts:

angelohsodelight · 03/08/2014 20:46

In laws for a week! When is YOUR Christmas break??

fluffyraggies · 03/08/2014 21:02

hamptoncourt - As soon as we had DC, I made it clear to DH that I wanted to spend every Christmas Day at home, with our nuclear family, not traipsing around family, mine or his, and not with a houseful of guests. Too bloody stressful.

Even if you have a widowed parent, there must be a sibling, aunt, friend, somewhere else they can go?

YES to the first bit i did this too. However in our situation no, there really isn't anyone else :( I'm and only child and so was my dad and so is my mum! She knows allot of people and has 2 old friends, but when the chips are down none of them seem to be real 'join us at xmas' sort of friends. Weather this is her fault or their fault i really couldn't say ... There is one 'aunt', (second cousin twice removed or something), but for the last few years she has shyed away from coming up to stay at DMs at xmas. It's difficult - i'd love a change. I've been doing xmas the same way for 20 years

combust22 · 03/08/2014 21:18

sashh -

"The inhabitants of Bali are almost all Hindu not Muslim (although a different branch). Didn't you notice the temples, shrines and offerings of fruit outside shops/market stalls?"

Have you spent time in Indonesia? I am aware that Indonesia is a nominally Muslim country-that was the point I was making. I am well aware of the Islamic/Hindu/Animistic culture, having travelled extensively from Sumatra to Irian Jaya.

sashh · 04/08/2014 09:34

combust22

Yes.

Indonesia is mainly Muslim, but Bali isn't. You don't need to travel extensively in Indonesia to notice the temples in Bali, you just have to walk 100m and you will see one.

If you have traveled extensively I find it incredible that you did not notice the contrast between Bali and the rest on Indonesia, and also that you thought a Muslim would cook and serve you pork.

thegreylady · 04/08/2014 09:48

My dd has promised that I will never spend Christmas alone as long as she lives. I on the other hand will never never impose myself on her. I have 2 dc, and 3sdc so as long as dh and I are both alive we will have choices (usually someone asks if they can come to us).
I would be devastated to think that, if I was widowed, I would be left alone at Christmas. We always alternated between going to my parents one year and pil coming to us the other. I cannot believe you are considering leaving a recently (this year presumably) widowed lady without her family on what will probably be the worst Christmas of her life. Shame on you. You will have years when she is dead.

TeaAndALemonTart · 04/08/2014 09:51

We often go away to somewhere hot and sunny for Christmas, it's brilliant. Christmas day on the beach is great.

Igggi · 04/08/2014 10:01

Thegreylady I think you are reading a lot in to the pp's situation. No mention that the loss of her husband is recent, and reference is made to the parent being difficult to be around. I hate the thought of waiting for a parent to die before having the Christmas you want! Dcs have a limited time of being really into Christmas as well.
I would agree a recently bereaved parent should not be left alone at Christmas, but other than that we really make Christmas into such a source of stress and conflict, when it should be a time of joy.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 04/08/2014 10:09

I would be devastated to think that, if I was widowed, I would be left alone at Christmas. there is no widow as far as i can see....

Yes the idea of an elderly person alone at xmas is awful, but having myself spent a mix of xmasses, alone, working or.....treading on eggshells and getting told off for laughing etc...having xmas day dominated by someone....wanting a full family xmas elsewhere to be told NO after we suffered sudden deaths, then begged years after to join when they have lost people...

I am afraid one has to grin and bear it.

I also agree with Iggi that children are gone too soon....

I think its nice to have family events planned after the big day to make the whole week feel special...

personally YES I would be privalty devastated should my DD never invite me at xmas should I be widowed...but there are usually reasons for everything and one has to accept them, even if you have raised a very selfish child!

thegreylady · 04/08/2014 10:20

I am so sorry. I mixed up OP with Witchway's post 18:49:31.
If your pil still have one another then there is no reason at all for not going away and having the Christmas you want.

ClashCityRocker · 04/08/2014 10:24

Ooh the idea of christmas in the sun just doesn't do it for me...

I quite like the dark nights, mulled wine and big hearty meals.

For the last two years me and DH have done christmas dinner on our own, which was lovely, and then to family on the night. We've been invited round to SILS this year though, which I'm quite looking forward to as no cooking.

What I ideally would love to do, and am seriously contemplating for 2016 (I think it's our turn to have pils the year before - things have got a bit squiggly in previous years as they have had health problems) is a week in a lovely log cabin in the dales, just me and DH, with a log burning stove and a hot tub. Bliss!

NotYouNaanBread · 04/08/2014 10:28

We're going to the sun for Christmas this year. Can't wait. 2 weeks by the beach! It won't be madly hot where we're going, but better than here.

OnlyLovers · 04/08/2014 12:28

NotYou, may I ask where you're going? I'm looking for ideas for Christmas away.

Original poster

Helensita · 04/08/2014 14:14

Amazingly insightful and helpful replies all of you! Thank you so much. Just to reiterate my PIL have each other, they are on good health and have another son and daughter-in-law living in Peterborough that they could visit (although the latter don't have children and I appreciate that grandparents want to spend Xmas with grandchildren.) They come to us around five/six times a year and stay for a week (as they live far) AND have spent every Christmas with us since we had kids 7 years ago....my biggest obstacle probably DH who is lovely but won't do/say anything to upset his bossy mother.

OP posts:

Johnogroats · 04/08/2014 14:31

I feel for you OP.

We usually mix up my Dad and the PILs...last 2 years we have hosted, which means the crashingly dull SIL comes too, and I do all the work. Everyone gets on ok, but I need a change, just with the 4 of us.

So this year we are off to France skiing. We are lucky to have a small house in the Alps. And although we could squeeze a few in.... No one else s invited. [ grin]

Johnogroats · 04/08/2014 14:31

hamptoncourt · 04/08/2014 15:36

Helensita you need to ensure that DH sees that it would be far preferable for him to "upset his bossy mother" than to upset you.

If he won't prioritise you for once then you have a bigger problem than what to do at Christmas....

Hope it is all lovely.

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.......looking optimistically for Christmas emoticons to appear and then remembers it is August.

MistressDeeCee · 04/08/2014 16:20

Just reading through this thread and wondering where in the UK would be nice for a christmas getaway - somewhere we can get a dinner on christmas day though. Im not a "christmassy" person as it is, I can't bear it..slaving over the stove only to watch crap tv and flake out afterwards after a gutful of food...everywhere closed...and faffing extended family. My mum always lands like the Grim Reaper, cantankerous as hell. I need a nice getaway that wont cost an arm and a leg..& involves no actual cooking on the day...

OldBeanbagz · 04/08/2014 16:26

We're going away this Christmas and i'm already looking forward to it

Sunny weather, someone else doing the cooking and (best of all) no dreary Boxing Day lunch at my parents house.

Fcukfifa · 04/08/2014 18:53

Reading this has made me take the plunge and have booked a lodge to stay in! its not for Xmas day as that was already booked but already looking forward to sitting near the log burner and jumping in the hot tub!

Op, couldn't you ask dh if you could just have a 'trial year' of being just you and your family and getting away. You could even invite the pils to come with you. They will most likely decline, and even of they did want to come at least you won't be running about after them, sharing your personal space etc.

Fcukfifa · 04/08/2014 18:55

Mistress, we've just booked a log cabin in Richmond, North Yorkshire.
I'm sure there's lots of places not far from you once you decide what kind of holiday you want :)

Original poster

Helensita · 04/08/2014 19:12

It's a very good idea and thanks for your reply. Am trying to avoid spending the festive season with easily the most 'unfestive' individuals I've ever had to endure! We are like chalk and cheese (me coming from half-Spanish, quite party-loving family, love to gather round food and talk, sing at Xmas!) Anyhow I'm feeling rather worn down by the succession of Xmases with them at ours (even when we alternate and go to my family for Xmas they still turn up the week before did a pre-Xmas Xmas where I have to cook turkey and all the trimmings. That's why I'm so keen on an alternative this year. All best wishes, H

OP posts:

Original poster

Helensita · 04/08/2014 19:13

It's a very good idea and thanks for your reply. Am trying to avoid spending the festive season with easily the most 'unfestive' individuals I've ever had to endure! We are like chalk and cheese (me coming from half-Spanish, quite party-loving family, love to gather round food and talk, sing at Xmas!) Anyhow I'm feeling rather worn down by the succession of Xmases with them at ours (even when we alternate and go to my family for Xmas they still turn up the week before for a pre-Xmas Xmas where I have to cook turkey and all the trimmings. That's why I'm so keen on an alternative this year. All best wishes, H

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Original poster

Helensita · 04/08/2014 19:14

Sounds fabulous. Just what I'm after really.

OP posts:

Original poster

Helensita · 04/08/2014 19:22

Ha ha! Thanks for that. Yes though I'm no push-over it's a full-time job and a battle of wills to achieve that. DH always caught in the middle and ends up stressed and feeling guilty (which I certainly don't want him to feel.) I very subtly keep hold of the reins as regards what we do as a family when they're visiting. Otherwise it would all be what she wants (really dull visits to haberdashers and local markets) and we have to follow suit.

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Original poster

Helensita · 04/08/2014 19:23

Fab! Where are you off to?

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