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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite people who can't be arsed congratulating us?

54 replies

StarSwirl92 · 02/08/2014 17:10

About a week ago I i asked my boyfriend to marry me. Since then not one member of my family has bothered to say congratulations. No phone calls, no cards, no Facebook. Nada. So when it comes round to the wedding WIBU to not invite a single one of them.

My grandparents and parents have been the only ones to care and I'm tired of doing things for the same of family politics. My dad says fuck them but they're my mother's relatives.

OP posts:
MintyCoolMojito · 02/08/2014 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlossyMoo · 02/08/2014 17:51

I'll take my pram and go pick up my toys Grin

Just enjoy the planning of the wedding and the congratulations on the day.

If it helps I have a sister who sends cards for every occasion and some I think she makes up just so she can send a card. Me on the other hand is not a card sender to the point where if you receive one from me it was probably sent by my sister on my behalf Grin

Original poster
StarSwirl92 · 02/08/2014 18:04

Your sister sounds like my Mam, Flossy. A card and balloons for every occasion. Though you might have to blow up your own balloons.

I didn't mean to sound concieted or like a bridezilla. And of course the most important part is the marriage to my wonderful partner. I just thought that after years of hand drawing christening gifts and writing anniversary cards, it might come back when it's my turn with news. Hell I even helped cater my cousin's wedding last year. I know you don't do it for what you get back but I didn't think wanting a congratulatory text or phone call made me a bad person.

OP posts:
EmptyNestAgain · 02/08/2014 18:15

It doesn't make you a bad person!
Congratulations on your engagement. Have lots of Wine and Cake Grin

It may just be because you have been together for so long that an engagement was either expected or they already thought you were iykwim.
Regardless, it's fantastic news!

EmptyNestAgain · 02/08/2014 18:16

Oh, and yanbu

SnookyPooky · 02/08/2014 18:18

So when you told the folks in person they didn't congratulate you or anything?

To be honest I don't remember anyone doing anything for us when we got engaged, my Mum probably just said 'Oh right, I better go to Boundary Mill' and my Dad would have been thinking how it would be paid for. We didn't get any engagement cards but hadn't expected any either.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 18:23

Thinking ahead, if you don't invite them, you will have no family at your wedding. Is that going to be ok with you?

Original poster
StarSwirl92 · 02/08/2014 18:24

Thanks, no one but my parents and my Gran were really over the moon with it tbh. I reckon it's just a sign that maybe they're not as bothered about things as I have been. I'll accept the Wine and cake (especially the cake) and maybe tone down my expectations but also my reactions to their news in the future.

OP posts:
Ibizatime · 02/08/2014 18:25

bloody hell, Biscuit

Leviticus · 02/08/2014 18:26

Is it possible they don't like your BF - worry that he's not right for you or something?

FlossyMoo · 02/08/2014 18:26

Have your biscuit back Ibiza Biscuit

The OP has Cake now and has also conceded she maybe was BU.

Original poster
StarSwirl92 · 02/08/2014 18:27

It's made me see that the tonnes of cousins I have maybe shouldn't be invited en mass as had been expected of us. I will stick to family I know I can't leave out, the rest... aren't as there for me as I was for them.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 18:27

'Head of family'... are you the Mafia? Shock

FB is the scourge for many people. Just because they're logged into it doesn't mean that they'll respond via it. Speak directly to people, not through your gran (unless she is an amazing publicist and you're paying her accordingly).

What do you want to happen? What is normal in your family? Are your grandparents and parents happy for you both?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 18:29

... oh, remembered something. My friend proposed to her then boyfriend. She was astonished to receive a couple of 'oh that sucks, he should have proposed' or 'couldn't you wait until he proposed?'. She was a bit taken aback so, if you haven't had those then it's not all bad! Grin

Original poster
StarSwirl92 · 02/08/2014 18:33

Some what, Lying Wink

A party is what I suspect is expected. Which I have neither the inclination or money to throw. I wasn't expecting 80 people to fall to their knees, just the cousins I grew up with to say something.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarSwirl92 · 02/08/2014 18:35

My Gran said she wouldn't be brave enough to have done what I did. My Dad asked if he put up a fight Grin

I am happy. I just wish they could've been happy with me.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 18:38

They should have said something, StarSwirl, I'm using misplace levity because I feel for you. It's not as if you can prompt them or remind them because it would be forced and you wouldn't feel good.

I don't know if congrats from random chatboarders are worth much but... CakeWineBrewThanksSt DavidsGrin... "Congratulations".

Original poster
StarSwirl92 · 02/08/2014 18:40

They are worth it to me. Thank you to everyone who has congratulated us. Wine Thanks

OP posts:
ChocolateWombat · 02/08/2014 18:49

OP, Congrats!
I agree that people like to be told personally. They then feel involved and important to you, then they respond with their congrats.
Sometimes people feel like if they send congrats before you tell them personally, they will have spoilt your moment of announcing it, so have to keep quiet until you have spoken.

It is really good that you have taken on board the feedback from here. When planning a wedding, there are lots of things people unnecessarily get offended by.....try to be someone who just enjoys the build up, the day itself and your life together, rather than having very rigid fixed expectations of others. You do sound easily offended, so try not to be offended by people being slow to reply to the invitTions (some will miss the deadline) or by the input from friends or family about dresses, cakes, food, who is invited etc. Smile sweetly and just do as you wish. Try not to be offended by who buys what as a gift, or doesn't buy a gift at all.
And if others seem offended by things, well just remember that it is a miserable person who gets offended, when a wedding and being with a friend or family member on their big day, is a special special thing, and the little details really don't matter.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 02/08/2014 20:19

Congratulations from me 'n' all StarSwirl9! Flowers Flowers Flowers

Dieu · 02/08/2014 20:23

Forgot to say congratulations before. Many congrats! x

Back2Two · 02/08/2014 20:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

SaucyJack · 02/08/2014 20:52

I don't think YABU. Ignore the shitty comments from older other posters about Facefuck- it's a perfectly usual and acceptable and usual way to keep in touch with distant friends and family.

I actually ended up deleting a cousin for ignoring my status updates about major life events (dd3, death of my father) although she herself was posting umpteen attention-whoring stati a day. It really isn't hard to type a quick message in a little box.

SaucyJack · 02/08/2014 20:52

And congrats xx

notkatemiddleton · 03/08/2014 00:06

Sod them! Some people can't stand it when it's not about them. I had that with my wedding and engagement.

Congratulations to you!!

YANBU, they are just rude.

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