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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nearly 4 years and nowhere..

34 replies

Giggling · 02/08/2014 15:22

I've been with my bf for nearly 4 years and really love him. However he is refusing to move in with me.
For the last year or so we have talked about it, he is now starting up self employed and feels I am being unreasonable because I'm pushing to live together and he wants to give 100% to his new business.
I've talked it through with him, over and over until I have exhausted myself. I can't move in with him (he has lovely parents but I can't be away from the family business). I've given him an ultimatum that he either moves up or that's the end of us. He can't see the big rush but I'm not even talking marriage- just living under the same roof! I asked him where he wants to be in a year and he said looking for a house. I said married or planning it and he was utterly shocked.. He didn't see the need to do thing "that fast, a year is not long at all".
He's 30 this year, I'm 26, it's not like we are teenagers. I feel guilty for pushing him for an answer (been a month now) and just wondered what others views are?

As I'm writing this I know what id tell myself (tell him to sling his hook)..

OP posts:

OutragedFromLeeds · 02/08/2014 15:26

I think your ultimatum is fair enough. Stick to it though. Move in or cut your losses.

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2014 15:30

Would you really want to live with him thinking you've pushed him into it?

at it all moving too fast for him.

What is it that makes you want to live/marry him? Do you think things will be different and better, or is it maybe the security you're looking for, or just a sign that he's absolutely committed to you?

For it to be the last one he has to do it off his own back doesn't he?

CoffeeTea103 · 02/08/2014 15:38

I think if you even have to give him an ultimatum then it's already over. After 4 years how much slower does he want to take this relationship. I would feel very desperate to force someone into living with me.
Can you see yourself repeating this with the marriage issue? Why waste your time.

justmyview · 02/08/2014 15:48

Rather than setting ultimatums (do you really want to coerce someone to marry you?), I think you'd be better to let him know that you respect his views & are not seeking to push him into a corner, but you are considering whether you wish to continue the relationship, given that it's progressed more slowly than you'd anticipated. If he's keen, he'll up his game and show more commitment, as he won't want to lose you. Failing that, you will have to consider whether to continue as you are, or move on. TBH, it doesn't sound as though he shares your commitment to the relationship

HearMyRoar · 02/08/2014 15:56

I think you need to have a talk with him about what you both want from this relationship. You need to be very honest if living together, getting married, kids, etc is important to you and let him know this is a deal breaker for you.

It does seem to me that you have different priorities at the moment and you need to make this clear now so you can decide if this is the right relationship for you.

Original poster

Giggling · 02/08/2014 16:00

He's a lovely person, kind and just brilliant. However he is very much a mothers boy (she is lovely btw), not to mention the fact that he over thinks everything to a fault. He's never been pushed to do anything or had to jump and take a risk. Not that I'm a risky person, I really love him but I'm fed up to the back teeth of people askin me 'how's the boyfriend', 'when are you gettin married' and havin to think up a suitably funny excuse when I don't know the answer myself. :(

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Original poster

Giggling · 02/08/2014 16:02

We have talked and talked and he makes a decision then goes back, thinks about it and changes his mind. He really needs to step up to the plate, I was unsure if I was being an awful bitch by even pushing him. I think I know what needs to be done..

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Nanny0gg · 02/08/2014 16:05

He is still living with his parents?

There's your answer...

CoffeeTea103 · 02/08/2014 16:06

Op why does living together mean he still can't give 100 percent to his business, tbh that's an excuse. If he can't do both, do you thin marriage will be hard work for him. Sorry but after 4 years, if he can't be decided on the bare minimum of living together, then everything else after seems like it will be an uphill battle.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 02/08/2014 16:08

You've issued the ultimatum. If you don't stick to it now then the balance of power in your relationship is all out.

You need to ask yourself, if this is what it takes after 4 years just to live together, what about when it comes to marriage and children? Will that involve ultimatums too? It's hardly the stuff dreams are made of, is it?

notkatemiddleton · 02/08/2014 16:10

Sounds like perhaps you have different priorities and want different things maybe. Keep to your ultimatum, if he doesn't coming running back with what you want...at least you are in a better position to meet someone else who does want the same things as you.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/08/2014 16:10

He doesn't want to live with you. Not everyone wants a living-together relationship, or to marry, or to have children. TBH he probably considers you a Will Do For Now partner.

But you are 26! What's the rush to 'settle down'? You have a good ten years of fertility left, if you want DC. Don't waste the best years of your life gagging for commitment and trying to push an unwilling man into marrying and breeding with you. See the world, enjoy your job, have fun with friends... set your sights a bit higher than Having A Relationship as the main purpose of life.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 02/08/2014 16:10

I am so sorry, but, from what you say, I think he really doesn't want to marry you, or be with you permanently.
I am older than you, (and 26 seems so young now!) but I remember having a friend years ago in a similar situation; lovely boyfriend, they were a solid couple. She wanted to live together, he dragged his feet and had a million excuses. In the end they broke up. Within 6 months the Ex boyfriend was living with a new woman. He is still with her and they have 2 kids.
If it's right, you know it. In my quite extensive experience, if a man really wants you, he makes it really clear, and doesn't risk you getting away.
You have the time to meet someone who really LOVES you, and is dying to live with you. Why shouldn't you have that?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 02/08/2014 16:11

And what SGB said!

Original poster

Giggling · 02/08/2014 16:22

I know
It's just a kick in the teeth when you've been talking about marriage, kids etc then he can't even commit to the first step.

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Original poster

Giggling · 02/08/2014 16:29

coffeetea apparently it's not fair to charge the customers who will now be 40 miles from him instead of 20 the extra diesel it would cost him to get there. Yes, I nearly fell over when he said that. It's nearly as pathetically sad as the gem of a comment this morning "if I don't have a heart attack from all this stress it will be a miracle"

I'm happy now that I've been reasonable and will have to see what happens but let's be honest it's not looking good!

Bugger...

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londonrach · 02/08/2014 16:29

You 26 very young just enjoy being with him. Tbh man of 30 are young now a days. Just get on with your life seeing friends him etc like Kate Middleton. If it's meant to be he do something. Don't make staying over night too easy....

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/08/2014 18:20

Moving in together isn't the first step towards marriage and kids. It's moving AWAY from that!

If he doesn't want to marry you now, when he doesn't see you every day and you are still free to meet someone else, then he DEFINITELY won't want to marry you when you're safely and predictably coming home to him every night. He'll go along with it probably even like it, secretly, because you'll be running yourself ragged to keep the place nice and show off your cooking skills, etc, as you audition to be his Wife but it won't push him to make a commitment to you. Because he won't NEED to. You'll be right there, apparently happy to give up your whole freedom and independence WITHOUT any legal commitment.

It's all bollocks. He's just not that into you. How long does your ultimatum last?? I'd have thought a month was plenty of time.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/08/2014 19:57

There isn't, actually, anything wrong with wanting to enjoy a relationship the way it is. The mundane obsession with relationships having this ghastly tedious progression from dating to commitment to breeding as quickly as possible is actually not all that good for women. Not unless you are nearing the end of your fertile years (which you are NOT at 26) and know you want to have children - and even then, it's worth remembering that having a couple-relationship is not compulsory when it comes to having children eg better to contemplate single parenthood/fostering/adoption than hitching yourself to an inadequate man just so you don't end up either childless or a Single Parent.

Original poster

Giggling · 02/08/2014 20:20

Well it's over and we're both crying. But he wouldn't commit and one of us can't be happier than the other.

brass I can understand where you are coming from. Really I can. But some people want to travel, some people want to be a brain surgeon and some people just want to be with the person they love.

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IfNotNowThenWhen · 02/08/2014 21:13

Aw sorry OP. But very brave of you to really think about what you want, and to do what's probably best in the long run.
I hope you feel better soon, and find what you want.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/08/2014 21:24

Fair enough - and a brave choice to make - you and this man want different things out of life. But do remember that being single is fine - and don't shack up with the next man who asks just because he's up for commitment, unless and until you're sure he's actually worth committing to.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/08/2014 21:32

Giggling! Have an un-MN hug, and and and . How do you feel? Gutted, or weirdly relieved?

If you want commitment, you are absolutely doing the right thing to finish things with a nan who doesn't. And I'm proud of you for putting your own needs first.

This will turn out to be a positive step towards your future goals. (And if anything is going to make this bloke commit, it's going to be realising how empty his life is without you in it. Make sure he gets to really experience that emptiness ASAP, so don't be in touch with him at all. Let him feel what life is like without any contact with you.)

Hope you're ok. Do come and check in if you ever have a massive wobble, or just want to mope, or have sudden panicky second thoughts, etc.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/08/2014 21:32

*man, obviously, not your nan...

Original poster

Giggling · 02/08/2014 22:02

Thank you guys :)

brass I'm a bit picky with men and he was my world so I won't be shacking up with someone next Saturday night ;)

whatsgoingon thank you :) I feel really really gutted and sad but if only one of us was going to be happy if he moved up or didn't then it wasn't going to be good enough.

Am having a bottle of pink cider and dreading going to his place to get my stuff. I love his family but they think I'm a bitch because the first time they heard I wanted him to move up was last week (they never talk) and they think I'm rushing him...

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