to really dislike weddings abroad

[StepfauxWife]

There might be a standard MN position on this but I'm really wondering why on earth people have weddings abroad. DH's brother is getting married on a picturesque European Island in a couple of weeks and the closer it gets, the angrier it makes me.

The entire thing is plain ridiculous. We have an 18mo DD, have paid a fortune for budget airline flights (£800) and accommodation. It's at least 30 degrees and notorious for being child unfriendly. The entire thing is costing us around £3000 for less than a week.

I just hugely protest to being told where to go on holiday and when. It's peak season, there's no way I would be going away now when it's school holidays. And there's no way we would be going to this particular place with a child.

To make it worse, we're not even close to BIL. DH said we had to go because it's his brother, but they hardly make an effort with us (they live a few hours' drive away but didn't come to DD's birthday). DH's entire family are complaining about the cost, it has been crippling for everyone.

So tell me wise MNers, AIBU? My view is that if you want to get married abroad either pay for people or have it somewhere accessible, e.g. The south of France where there are more than two airlines flying there?

Would appreciate any tips on how to enjoy this potential nightmare as otherwise I'm going to be the sour faced one in all the pictures

[Bunbaker]

If I genuinely couldn't afford to go to a wedding abroad I would have no compunction about telling the bride and groom that I couldn't afford it. I wouldn't be rude. I would just say I would love to attend, but just can't afford it. End of.

I really don't understand why people can't grow a pair and just say so.

[ThisParacuteIsARucksack]

Bunbaker it's not that simple when it's close family though! If we 'grow a pair' and refuse to go to SIL's wedding it would cause a family rift which we don't want to do. Would I prefer a UK wedding? Yes. Instead we have to travel etc but we'll make the best of it.

[Bunbaker]

But if you really can't afford to go would you get yourself into debt over this?

[greeneggsandjam]

Totally silly and rather thoughtless, not everyone has time/money/interest etc to go abroad for a wedding. Hold it in the place best suited to the majority of your guests if you want people to arrive and not be a burden to them. Jet off to fancy places for a holiday after if you must.

[pixiegumboot]

Um, what if your family member is marrying someone from another country? Is that not allowed now in case it upsets guests. Weird. If weddings bother you that much don't go and suck up the results.

[MostWicked]

DH and I got married abroad, but didn't invite anyone.

When a family member booked a wedding abroad, we made it clear that we would wish them well but not be attending.

It's their wedding so their choice. Just as attendance is your choice.

[ThisParacuteIsARucksack]

No fortunately we can afford it because we are millionaires according to SIL have savings but I wouldn't go into debt for it.

Understandable when one of the couple isn't British - that's different IMO. This is about people who chose to get married abroad because it's a nice idea.

[Siennasun]

Heraldgerald. If that wedding that you resent so much was in the UK, what has it got to do with disliking weddings abroad??
This thread is really whiney and miserable. I love weddings abroad and wish more people did them. I've been to a couple and they've both been lovely holidays to places I might otherwise never have been combined with a nice wedding. Both great experiences.
I've also not been to weddings, including close family because they were overseas. It really wasn't a problem!!
Island OP describes sounds like Santorini. If it is there it's really lovely, not especially pushchair friendly but otherwise fine for kids.

[Surfsup1]

Weddings I don't mind, but hens/bucks days abroad are starting to annoy me! My good friend is talking about having her hens in LA (we are all in Sydney!).

[EverythingCounts]

I thought the whole point of getting married abroad was that you were basically signalling to people that you wanted a nice day for you the couple, but not to have the bother of a big day with lots of guests to organise and pay for - and the tradeoff is that no-one is obliged to come. Is it a thing now that people just decide 'oh, I quite fancy getting married in Sorrento / Ibiza / the south of France', and then their family is just supposed to suck up the cost of going there? Do couples now expect that their family will go, rather than expecting them to stay home?

[MissBattleaxe]

EverythingCounts- yes.

IMO weddings have become way too over the top and we are losing sight of their original purpose in all the fuss and expense.

[FuckTheMagicDragon]

I had a wedding abroad. Partly as we wanted to do something special, partly as my DH didn't want to invite 1000s of his relatives, that he didn't really like or know. But his mum would have kicked up a fuss about invites if it was in the UK.

We booked it, organised it, and then invited close friends & family (inc children) with a years notice. Also asked for no presents, payed flights for those who found it tricky, and accommodation in one or two cases as well. We also made sure they knew that if they couldn't come we totally understood.

It was lovely, small, informal and friendly.:)

[Sparks1007]

Yep. Sounds like Santorini. Beautiful place and although not pushchair friendly it is incredibly child friendly.

I agree that this thread is miserable. We got married abroad in Europe (not really as it's where I'm from and where my parents live) and invited loads of people. We had 150 guests (around 120 of whom travelled internationally) and a wedding that spanned 4 days/nights. All events optional. All events with massive attendance. We had people fly in from all over the world (Brasil to New Zealand) and were incredibly touched and grateful. It was unforgettable and a heck of a lot of fun.

I agree people shouldn't feel guilted into wedding attendance but I do think it's a bit rotten to be so negative about international weddings.

[FixItUpChappie]

My only sibling has a destination wedding upcoming. Its easy to say its not a summons but really, it puts immediate family in a very difficult position.

I do feel resentful and angry about the whole imposition frankly. In my case the cost makes it prohibitive for me to bring my husband and kids. Even with only me going the cost is an incredible burden. I have zero desire to be on a different continent as my young children. It is an added burden on my husband who will have all the parenting duties on top of full time work while I'm gone. I have to use my limited vacation time, which as a full-time working parent I would naturally wish to spend with my children.

All so the bride and groom can have their day just as it suits them. Sorry but I find all of that "our day" regardless of ones guests nonsense to be a trippy bit of narcissism.

In my own view of course.

[BomChickaMeowMeow]

Makes me laugh when people say "millions of people around the world cope with heat" - so helpful.

Millions of people cope with the climate they are adapted to, and don't get on so well when exposed to extremes of temperature they are not used to.

I am white British and reserve the right to thoroughly moan when the temperature is outside of my optimum range of above 12C and below 23C and doing anything other than hazy sunshine and scattered showers.

[musicalendorphins2]

Is the big climb up to witness the ceremony, or also the reception? If it is for the ceremony only, would you consider asking the hotel about a babysitter for that part, then bring the baby to the celebration?

[MaryWestmacott]

See, you really really don't have to go - if your DH really wants to go, then you have to accept the problem isnt your BIL and future SIL, it's your DH being unreasonable, or the problem is you, pretending to the couple that you want to go, that it's not a problem ,then fully intending to have a problem when you get there, having made no effort to express earlier to the couple (when there was an opportunity for them to change it) that there's a problem!

You've told them you'll go, you've not mentioned any problems, you've booked your flights and hotel, you've not said you can't afford it it's a bad time etc. They've probably booked school holidays because other guests have school aged DCs and thought they were being considerate to those with children.

Keep telling yourself, you aren't going for BIL, you are going for your DH.

Next year, you pick the family holiday, this year, make an effort to smile and enjoy it. I'd be pissed off if I was your DH, spent £3k on a family holiday and my spouce went around with a face like a slapped arse because it wasn't what they wanted to do but they decided to get 'angrier' and stroppier about it after agreeing to go and booking it.

[MollyWhuppie]

OP yanbu.

It's fine if the couple have no expectations that people will attend, but it can be very hard to day no if you've been asked to play a part in the wedding, or if they're close friends or family and the expectation is there that you will attend.

We attended a wedding a couple of years ago where my DH was part of the wedding party, and the costs gradually crept up on us. The wedding was in peak school holiday time which we wouldn't have chosen as DC weren't school age, the groom had an expensive stag do abroad, children were not invited to the actual wedding day and we had to pay approx £200 for out children to be in a wedding 'crèche' which turned out to be awful and I felt dreadful having left my kids in there. During the week we spent at the wedding venue there were parties at night we were expected to join in with but then had to get up with the kids at the crack of dawn - I came home feeling physically and financially drained!!

We could have said no but it wouldn't have gone down too well and we would have been the only ones out of our friendship group not to attend. It was a beautiful wedding but it used up a massive chunk of our finances and holiday.

[toomuchtooold]

YANBU. Everyone's saying you could have turned the invitation down but then you're the evil SIL who refused to come to the wedding . It's worse if it's family you're not on particularly good terms with, too, because they're more likely to think it's a snub.

[MaryWestmacott]

FitItUp- have you tried saying to your sibling that you will struggle to go? The price and the time off will be hard and you mght struggle for childcare for your DC if you don't take them? Have you actually raised the issues or just seethed and not said anything?

I have been to 'desination weddings' including one in Thaliand where one of the groom's brothers couldn't go, he was from New Zealand, but working in the US at the time and just couldn't get the time off to fly to Thailand, there was no drama, the other brothers (large family!) raised a toast to him, he phoned on the morning of the wedding and that was about it.

Most couples do accept that not everyone will go to an overseas wedding (a reason we didn't have one - although lots of people missed our '1 hours drive from our home' wedding too!).

Try saying no. See what happens.

[daphnehoneybutt]

I went to one and it was like one of those episodes of Corrie / Friends where they all go off on holiday

On paper it was not appealing - unusual country to wed, we were broke, but we had a great time as we cared about the people going and they had genuinely tried to make it welcoming e.g. loads of pre wedding get tog ethers (catered) and tips on where to stay (quite essential as the country is a bit of a warzone).

YANBU though - as one of the best thing about other peoples weddings is the bitching, frankly.

[Delphiniumsblue]

I quite like them- it gives a ready made excuse not to be able to go- even if close. I have been invited to two but didn't go to either because they were at the wrong time for a holiday and too expensive.

[LittlePeaPod]

I sort of see what you mean, but the thing is, although guests CAN say no, there is that niggling obligation where you're put in an awkward position and might end up as the only family member who can't afford it, for example.

Unless the B&G have actually said they would be really upset if guests declined to attend which would be unreasonable then guest can decline. The issue around "niggling obligations" is the guests issue. People need to take ownership of their own feelings. The B&G aren't making them feel this way.

Instead of bitching and moaning about the B&G just be honest. "We can't attend because of cost and it will be extremely difficult for us with the DC. Hoe you have a lovely day." Etc.

People getting married abroad are fully aware that some a lot of people probably won't attend.

In the Ops case. It's her husband that has made the decision regardless of her feelings on it. I think Op is Very unreasonable to project her frustration on the B&G instead of the person placing her in this position, her husband

[freelancegirl]

I posted earlier as I had a wedding in Europe where I grew up and it was fabulous - over 80 people with all friends invited really excited about the whole thing and flying over for anything from a week to one night but all loving it all the same. Now it's turned into such a miserable thread! I'm glad some of you aren't my friends . If someone invited me to a wedding abroad tomorrow and I really couldn't go because of time, money or whatever I would just be gutted I couldn't go but wish them well and look forward to seeing the phone on Facebook [invites further controversy].

Can someone start a 'weddings abroad are great' thread please...

[MaryWestmacott]

LittlePeaPod - I agree, if you're close enough that saying 'no' would be a problem, then you are close enough to discuss it with them before formal invites have been sent out, say thta you can't afford it/won't be able to go for practical reasons, and give them time to decide if you being there is important enough for them to change their plans.

If you just quietly say nothing but seeth that you are being 'forced' into spending all this money/having lots of hassle, then it's your own fault for not speaking up earlier and spelling out your position.

If you arent close enough to have even discussed it prior to it all being booked/formal invites being sent out, then you aren't going to damage your relationship by not going, you clearly don't have a great relationship with that person anyway!