to really dislike weddings abroad

[StepfauxWife]

There might be a standard MN position on this but I'm really wondering why on earth people have weddings abroad. DH's brother is getting married on a picturesque European Island in a couple of weeks and the closer it gets, the angrier it makes me.

The entire thing is plain ridiculous. We have an 18mo DD, have paid a fortune for budget airline flights (£800) and accommodation. It's at least 30 degrees and notorious for being child unfriendly. The entire thing is costing us around £3000 for less than a week.

I just hugely protest to being told where to go on holiday and when. It's peak season, there's no way I would be going away now when it's school holidays. And there's no way we would be going to this particular place with a child.

To make it worse, we're not even close to BIL. DH said we had to go because it's his brother, but they hardly make an effort with us (they live a few hours' drive away but didn't come to DD's birthday). DH's entire family are complaining about the cost, it has been crippling for everyone.

So tell me wise MNers, AIBU? My view is that if you want to get married abroad either pay for people or have it somewhere accessible, e.g. The south of France where there are more than two airlines flying there?

Would appreciate any tips on how to enjoy this potential nightmare as otherwise I'm going to be the sour faced one in all the pictures

[BreadForBrains]

Sometimes, the reason people decide to get married abroad is that they don't really want people there!
If I ever get married, it will be dp and I along with our 3dc somewhere hot and away from anyone else! Though we wouldn't tell people.
No party when we return either. Once it's done, it's done.
And fuck the family politics, if you don't want to go, don't go. You'll be miserable and bitter about wasting the money and put a downer on their day.

[Iconfuseus]

I have no problem with people who choose to get married abroad. I hope they enjoy themselves.

I don't think its right however when people getting married abroad develop an entitlement attitude and expect everyone else to devote their precious holiday time and money to attend their wedding - and then throw a fit when people don't.

Luckily most people are much more reasonable then that!

[OcadoSubstitutedMyHummus]

It is all very well saying it is an invite not a summons but doesn't work when you bring in family or friendship dynamics.

We have been to a couple of weddings abroad both pre and post parenthood but in each case the location has been the home location of one of the couple where they are living in the home state of the other one. So I don't have so much of a problem seeing if we can make them.

A (not immediate) family member decided to get married in an unusual and not convenient European location last year. They went for it because it was "better value than the uk". Better value for them Maybe but not for everyone expected to schlep to the other side of the continent including several hours drive to some castle. We, like others, were both unwilling and unable to make it work so didn't go but wished them well. Lots of passive aggressive comments and Facebook comments (I know) from the happy couple about people's priorities.

[Doubtfuldaphne]

M sil got married abroad and it was the most fantastic time I've ever had. I still rave about it 5 yrs later. The big difference is, the IL's knew we couldn't afford it and paid for our flights and accommodation. Now that's how to do a wedding abroad! :D

[MidniteScribbler]

If by some miracle I were to meet the man of my dreams and get married, I would just want to go away on holidays with him and DS, quietly marry, and let people know when we came back. No guests, no presents, no waste of money on a big party.

[Pangurban]

It is to be expected fewer guests will attend if the wedding is far away and involves expensive flights and hotel. The travel cost is a bit of a waste really, if you are only going away for a short time. I know some people who have married abroad and then had their 'do' back at home.

I attended a wedding abroad recently, but both the bride and groom were from that country and we really felt it was an honour to share their day. The cost was worth it to us and it was a lovely to experience the country from an 'insiders' perspective and not just as a tourist. The ceremony was unusual too and very beautiful. It was a wonderful experience. Sadly, we couldn't extend the holiday because it we didn't have the time off.

[Dickiewiddler]

We got married abroad. My husbands family are Irish and he has eleventy million relatives whereas I have about 8. I knew my 8 would go, our mutual friends would go and his plane loads probably wouldn't be arsed so it was an easy way of evening up the numbers.

[MissBattleaxe]

Ocado- that's such a cheek to make PA comments! The bride and groom are really in the wrong to take umbrage when they are expecting people to spend their hard earned money on someone else's wedding day possibly in lieu of an annual holiday.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

MulberryPeony - yes, it should be that simple - if you don't want to go or can't afford to - don't go.

But it isn't that easy - what if, as other posters have said, the bride and groom, or the wider family, kick off because someone decides not to go? What if refusing to go will create the sort of family discord that drags on for ages?

If all brides and grooms and their families were reasonable, understanding people, it would not be an issue if a guest didn't want to come or couldn't come - but unfortunately not all wedding parties are reasonable people - not when bridezilla-dom/other -zilla-doms kick in.

[Siennasun]

YABU. People can get married however and wherever they like.
Don't agree with people saying that they are forced to go to weddings abroad or family will kick off with them. You really don't have to go. If anyone has a problem with that they are ridiculous and should be ignored. Why should this couple have a wedding they don't want to make other people happy?
Anyway, OP says they aren't close and BIL doesn't bother much with them so it sounds like they won't care if OP and family are there or not, especially if OP is determined to have a miserable time.
It's the DH who is BU here by insisting they all go when they should really not bother.

[StepfauxWife]

Someone up thread said I've already made my mind up about not enjoying it - there's probably an element of truth there..

DH and I did discuss him going alone but flights are so infrequent it wouldn't have been possible for him to go for a weekend. Also the cost of the room wouldn't have been much less. He is usually a very reasonable man open to compromise but he has said he wants to go as a family. Which I have agreed to on the basis that we stay away from where everyone else is staying and only see his family at the wedding. Which might make me seem like the evil outsider but if this is going to be our only family holiday this year, I'm certainly not spending it with the ILs.

Apparently some of the bridesmaids are leaving their kids at home for almost a week and one of them has told me how anxious she is about that. I would just feel hugely uncomfortable if I was the bride to know that I'd imposed on my friends and family so much.

Everyone is different and has a different idea of what they want their wedding to look like. And a certain degree of politics is inevitable. But can't help but think that adding an international element just makes it so much worse!

I think it's slowly dawning on DH that it's going to be tricky with a little one in a child unfriendly area.. Will wait and see how it goes and report back.

[LittlePeaPod]

I would just feel hugely uncomfortable if I was the bride to know that I'd imposed on my friends and family so much

But they aren't imposing on you. You, your DH and everyone else are choosing to go. In your case, your DH is the one imposing this on you not the B&G. You could have easily said "No".

[Siennasun]

I would feel anxious leaving my DS for a week to go abroad without him - so I wouldn't do it. I'd either take him or stay home. I don't understand how it's the brides fault unless she's somehow forced or manipulated people to go against their wills
I'm curious where you are going. Some places are more set up for kids but I can honestly say I have never been anywhere that was "child unfriendly".
If you do go I hope you enjoy it - you may even have a really good time!!

[PasswordProtected]

Decades ago people went abroad to marry for various reasons, some of which were:
one of the parties was divorced so a standard & traditional UK church wedding wasn't possible
it was cheaper
they didn't want a lot of guests
etc. etc.
others went abroad because they were able to marry in places that were rather more unusual than was possible at the time in the UK.
I have no idea where this trend of getting married abroad & expecting your entire guest list to up sticks and come too originated.

[MissBattleaxe]

But they aren't imposing on you. You, your DH and everyone else are choosing to go. In your case, your DH is the one imposing this on you not the B&G. You could have easily said "No".

I sort of see what you mean, but the thing is, although guests CAN say no, there is that niggling obligation where you're put in an awkward position and might end up as the only family member who can't afford it, for example.

I think eloping abroad is fine, but expecting guests to attend really puts financial pressure on them, no matter how much they are told " we understand if you can't make it". It's still embarrassing or awkward and still puts pressure on people, especially if you are close to the bride and groom i.e sibling or lifelong friend.

[heraldgerald]

And I'll just add my anecdote to furnish my yanbu.

Last year dh and I spent well over 3 grand on our friends UK country wedding and foreign stag and hen. We both had roles in the wedding and couldn't back out of any of it, I can assure you, without massive offence being taken and 'ruining' their happy time. We are obviously not in the small minorities of people for whom this is an insignificant sum of money. For close family members and people who have already agreed to be best men and bridesmaids, it is a sodding summons, not an invite.

Its a fucking cheek and I have rethought the friendships as a result.

[MissBattleaxe]

heraldgerald makes a good point.

What about those times when the B2B bestows upon you the great "honour" of being bridesmaid/best man and then tells you its overseas and there's only one hotel you can use and flights are once a week, for example.

It makes it very awkward to refuse then.

[DifferentCountrySameShit]

My brother got married in New York - just him and SIL and two old school friends who live there as witnesses. They posted pics on Facebook and went for posh meal to celebrate.

No fuss, no issues - that's the perfect wedding abroad IMHO!!!

I cringe at the idea of the happy couple expecting people to use their annual leave up and spend a fortune just because they want to get married in some exotic place!

[Cuteypatootey]

Er, just decline the invite? it's not that difficult.

[Cuteypatootey]

I did get married abroad cause that's where I'm from. We were going to do local but my friends expressed enthusiasm about a trip. turns out we all love a good party. we did express no desire for presents, paid all the bar costs as well and put on a pre wedding event. (Again catered/ paid for) we also paid for all wedding party outfits. I love weddings - you get to see a new place while meeting loads of people who know the best places to go.

[MissBattleaxe]

I love weddings - you get to see a new place while meeting loads of people who know the best places to go.

I think you're confusing weddings with holidays! Pretty much what kicked the thread off really.

[oneandnotlonelyk]

Yanbu. Weddings abroad are a nightmare for guests. I enjoy UK weddings as they don't involve flights, travel and guests can usually chose how much to spend (cheap b and b rather than costly accommodation).

[StepfauxWife]

That's exactly it, heraldgerald. It's just left a bad taste in everyone's mouth, which is not the point of a wedding.

The island is essentially a volcanic crater - lots of steps so makes pushchairs impossible. We're taking (very heavy and wriggly) DD in a carrier and hoping for the best..

I think I will just have to view it as a holiday with one day off for the wedding. Shame, as I do love a good wedding.

[Horsemad]

I wanted to get married abroad (2nd marriage and I didn't want any people there) but DH wasn't having any of it, 'cause his grandparents wouldn't have travelled and he wanted them there.

In the end we got married quietly in the UK with 9 guests, so we were both happy!

[ThisParacuteisarucksack]

YANBU we will be in a similar position with SIL marries. Off to Italy for that one. DD will be 3 and a flower girl. There is no way we could decline the invite, it's just not how his family operate. We have decided to make the most of it and go for a week (the wedding is over 3 days!) and hire a villa. What riles me is the fuss that goes with it. DH and I are comfortably off now, we have worked hard over the last 7 years since we graduated to get to where we are. SIL resents us for this (having graduated more recently). She complains about being skint because she's saving for her foreign wedding and fortnight's honeymoon in the Maldives. We had a local wedding and UK honeymoon