to really dislike weddings abroad

[StepfauxWife]

There might be a standard MN position on this but I'm really wondering why on earth people have weddings abroad. DH's brother is getting married on a picturesque European Island in a couple of weeks and the closer it gets, the angrier it makes me.

The entire thing is plain ridiculous. We have an 18mo DD, have paid a fortune for budget airline flights (£800) and accommodation. It's at least 30 degrees and notorious for being child unfriendly. The entire thing is costing us around £3000 for less than a week.

I just hugely protest to being told where to go on holiday and when. It's peak season, there's no way I would be going away now when it's school holidays. And there's no way we would be going to this particular place with a child.

To make it worse, we're not even close to BIL. DH said we had to go because it's his brother, but they hardly make an effort with us (they live a few hours' drive away but didn't come to DD's birthday). DH's entire family are complaining about the cost, it has been crippling for everyone.

So tell me wise MNers, AIBU? My view is that if you want to get married abroad either pay for people or have it somewhere accessible, e.g. The south of France where there are more than two airlines flying there?

Would appreciate any tips on how to enjoy this potential nightmare as otherwise I'm going to be the sour faced one in all the pictures

[Surreyblah]

And YABU to go but with bad feeling: if it is more money/hassle than you want, your H could have gone alone.

[Surreyblah]

YABU to complain about the bride and groom to be not coming to your DD's first birthday party when they live "a few hours away"! DC of that size don't care who is there from extended family, and for the family it's often more enjoyable to visit and spend time with small DC at a quieter time.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Actually, i think its a bit broad-brush to say you dont like weddings abroad. They can be lovely.
I attended wedding of my dsisil and db overseas. We have family there. It was a bit pricey because of flights but once we had the money it suited us to go.
It was a lovely wedding. And a great reception. Very memorable.

But. But. I have been to others which have sucked my pocket and soul.

I think what it tricky is when there is an expectation that you all want to have a holiday together, and that you are willing and able to allocate your family time and money to the location dictated by the wedding.
It is a bit self important to flit off to Antigua for your perfect (utter bargain for the B&G) "wedding-moon" and imagine that anyone who you would have wanted to attend is happy to do that.
There is an expectation with an invite. It often does cause bad feeling not to attend.
And despite all the protestations to the contrary, there are many guests who shell out hundreds/ thousands of pounds, forgo any other kind of family holiday and profess, for the sake of harmony, to have thought it all a spiffing time, who actually, truly, are harbouring feelings of resentment and light-pocketedness.

[CarmineRose1978]

I want us to abroad to get married, so that nobody from either family will come!

[RightsaidFreud]

YABU. It's an invitation, not a summons. The amount that people on here moan and complain about weddings is crazy. If you don't want to go/can't afford to go, then don't!

[heraldgerald]

I'm sorry if I came off a bit harsh there- everyone has different circumstances and guests with varying budgets and priorities. I speak only from my own experience whereby expectations of what I can reasonably do to ensure b and g have a wonderful time has exceeded my own limits, financially, in terms of family holidays and childcare and what I personally would choose to do with literally thousands of pounds.

[heraldgerald]

I'm sorry if I came off a bit harsh there- everyone has different circumstances and guests with varying budgets and priorities. I speak only from my own experience whereby expectations of what I can reasonably do to ensure b and g have a wonderful time has exceeded my own limits, financially, in terms of family holidays and childcare and what I personally would choose to do with literally thousands of pounds.

[freelancegirl]

'but a realistic appraisal of the difficulties guests will have encountered can only be a good thing'.

Hmm I'm reappraising... And yep I still know everyone had a great time and is still talking about it four years later. Because my friends are honest with me and my family live there and it's where we are from.

Guestzillas

[LittlePeaPod]

How is this for an idea.. Before anyone gets married or even organises their wedding they should:

1. ask all family and possibly none family members considering work colleagues now feel they have a say on who should and should not be invited members who should and should not be invited to the wedding. Once the list is finalised including Aunty Doris, forth cousin removed and her pet chihuahua move onto step 2
   
2. send a question out to all guests asking them a) where they want the wending to take place b) who they feel should pay travel and accommodation if they choose to stay, c) what they want to eat, d) what their preference in entertainment should be, e) anything else they feel is relevant to ensure they are fully happy with the arrangements. Move onto step 3
   
3. once all questionnaires are returned, conduct a full analysis of the result and then, only then should brides and grooms decide to organise and book anything. On onto step 4
   
4. it is most important that the bride and groom disregard any ridiculous ideas about what they want on the day. They should proceed to book the wedding according to the wants, whims, and needs of all guests known, unknown, children, adults and pets
   
   After all a wedding is a celebration of marriage, everyone's marriage. What a stupid thought to think its about the bride and grooms marriage and only their marriage..
   
   

[Cuteypatootey]

Guestzillas!

[VSeth]

My sister got married abroad in 2000, smugly says that it was cheaper and looks pointedly as me who had a wedding in the UK two years ago. Hers was cheaper for her but factor in everyones travel costs and it was about 3x the cost of mine.

[LittlePeaPod]

Never mind bridezillas we are now in the new age of guestzillas.

[heraldgerald]

Weddings which require incredible expense and inconvenience to the majority of guests invited strikes me as not a little bit selfish and narcissistic, frankly. Posters who have talked about their own fabulous foreign wedding with tons of guests most likely have little idea of the sacrifices some guests will doubtless have made to be there. Some of those sacrifices will be resented for reasons posters have described. not that I wish any bad feeling for those who have had expensive hens and foreign weddings, but a realistic appraisal of the difficulties guests will have encountered can only be a good thing.

[Cuteypatootey]

Don't agree that there would be a bun fight if you didn't go. I didn't go to my BIL's wedding abroad for a particular reason, there is no animosity between us now because of that - but then I told him as soon as it was not a possibility, I didn't pretend I was fine with it when I wasn't. Anyone who would get their knickers in a knot about you not attending their wedding is probably not worth bothering with.

[Bunbaker]

"If a family can't afford it, they then have the rest of the family knowing that they can't afford it and its a bit embarrassing"

Am I the only one on here who wouldn't be embarrassed to say I was skint? Why is it so shameful to be hard up?

[wobblyweebles]

I got married abroad and lots of people couldn't make it, including several of my family. The world didn't end.

People make such a huge fuss over weddings, it's bizarre.

[CheeryName]

My brother got married abroad, we watched on the internet, in our dressing gowns. It was the perfect wedding!!

[LittlePeaPod]

If a family can't afford it, they then have the rest of the family knowing that they can't afford it and its a bit embarrassing. People end up going into debt to save face, or using their annual family holiday budget to cater to the whims of a couple.

This is entirely about their "pride"! The bride and groom are not forcing them to go into debt. Its up to them if they choose to go into debt to save face. I certainly wouldn't do anything so stupid. Its their choice to accept and therefore its their problem. This has nothing to do with the bride and groom. I have been on the thread and I am one of those brides that got married abroad. What people don't get is we don't care if you attend or not because the wedding is about us, not you.

If you can't afford it, just don't go. Just RSVP back saying "no, we can't make it".

The only exception to the rule is circumstances where the bride and groom actually throw strops when people decline. Now that's out of order. But, not one bride on here was bothered and I am sure that is reflective of the majority of brides and grooms that getting married abroad. Clearly there will always be one exception to the rule!

[MaryWestmacott]

fixit - then don't go! Honestly, people who'll have a hissy fit aren't really thinkig about you as a person, so they don't care if you are there, just that you are in their photos.

I'm a firm believer that people who are 'high maintenance bridezillas' are only that way because everyone panders to them. If they stamp their feet, they get their own way, so they do it. They never have to think about how things effect other people because you fit in with plans that don't suit you.

If you don't go, and make it clear you won't, they have a choice, the wedding in the venue they want or the wedding with the people they want. Or they offer to pay - which suddenly stops it being such a 'cheap wedding'.

Oh and I had a UK based wedding, an hour from DH's family, 1 hour from London (where we lived at the time), yet I've loved overseas weddings, I've been to 6, albeit only one was a place that was neither the BorG's 'home' country nor the place the couple were currently living, I've been invited to others and not gone. I quite like them, it's often expensive to go to weddings in the UK, so best to make a holiday out of it.

I think I found the trip to Luxembourg for one of DH's friends' wedding far less hassle and cheaper than the wedding of another of his friends outside Bath (where the bride was from).

I do sometimes wish we'd just offered to pay for both of our siblings and sets of parents then gone away somewhere, it would have cost about the same....

[MissBattleaxe]

LittlePeaPod- the B and G can invite who they want, but there is often bad feeling about close people who can't come, even though the B and G says " we understand if you can't make it".

If a family can't afford it, they then have the rest of the family knowing that they can't afford it and its a bit embarrassing. People end up going into debt to save face, or using their annual family holiday budget to cater to the whims of a couple.

I think if the bride or groom is from overseas then I can understand it, as long as there is genuinely no pressure put on guests to attend, but if the B and G just fancy a big party abroad with all their friends and family, then yes, I do think its selfish.

You only have to read this thread to see that brides and grooms DO mind if people don't go.

The majority of people on this thread saying overseas weddings are great are brides, not guests.

[FixItUpChappie]

"FitItUp- have you tried saying to your sibling that you will struggle to go? The price and the time off will be hard and you mght struggle for childcare for your DC if you don't take them? Have you actually raised the issues or just seethed and not said anything?"

in my case yes, we tried to have a gentle word about it (and I know my mum stuck her whole oar in about it).....the result was anger and an incredible mini hissy over how I'm expected to be there and on how we should just save accordingly

[LittlePeaPod]

You can hardly tell people to blame themselves if they can't make a wedding abroad!

In the same way you can't blame the B&G if they invite people and for whatever reason (,money, kids, weather or whatever the reason) some of those people can't go.

Times have moved on and people no longer have to take into account every family member and long distance aunty 15th removed when they organise their wedding. They can do as they please!

An invitation is exactly what says on the tin. It's an invitation and invitations can be declined for whatever reason. If you accept then don't whinge about it.

[MissBattleaxe]

If you arent close enough to have even discussed it prior to it all being booked/formal invites being sent out, then you aren't going to damage your relationship by not going, you clearly don't have a great relationship with that person anyway!

I disagree. The bride and groom usually plan their wedding themselves and then tell other people, not get siblings and best mates round the table. You can hardly tell people to blame themselves if they can't make a wedding abroad!

[MissBattleaxe]

Can someone start a 'weddings abroad are great' thread please...

It would be mainly brides contributing I would imagine.

[LittlePeaPod]

Freelancegirl I too had an amazing wedding abroad. Loved it and don't regreat doing it.