to really dislike weddings abroad

[StepfauxWife]

There might be a standard MN position on this but I'm really wondering why on earth people have weddings abroad. DH's brother is getting married on a picturesque European Island in a couple of weeks and the closer it gets, the angrier it makes me.

The entire thing is plain ridiculous. We have an 18mo DD, have paid a fortune for budget airline flights (£800) and accommodation. It's at least 30 degrees and notorious for being child unfriendly. The entire thing is costing us around £3000 for less than a week.

I just hugely protest to being told where to go on holiday and when. It's peak season, there's no way I would be going away now when it's school holidays. And there's no way we would be going to this particular place with a child.

To make it worse, we're not even close to BIL. DH said we had to go because it's his brother, but they hardly make an effort with us (they live a few hours' drive away but didn't come to DD's birthday). DH's entire family are complaining about the cost, it has been crippling for everyone.

So tell me wise MNers, AIBU? My view is that if you want to get married abroad either pay for people or have it somewhere accessible, e.g. The south of France where there are more than two airlines flying there?

Would appreciate any tips on how to enjoy this potential nightmare as otherwise I'm going to be the sour faced one in all the pictures

[AnotherFurry]

I got married in the Caribbean a few years ago. DH parents came but only because they could afford it and wanted to come. I didn't invite anyone else as it was bloody expensive and I knew people could not afford it nor would they want to be forced to go on holiday just to witness our marriage.

I find most people go abroad to avoid all the arguments and stress that seems to accompany lots of weddings and that was one of our main reasons for doing it.

[SirChenjin]

Agree OP. Having a wedding abroad and not paying for your guests to attend is basically saying "we're not really that bothered if most of you attend or not because we've effectively priced you out of the game by having our wedding somewhere that will cost families zillions to attend, which means only those with deep pockets will be able to come - and even then, there will be some of you who will be feeling under pressure to come even if you really can't afford it"

[teejayem]

We're getting married abroad next year, and although we both love our families very much, after seeing the drama that SIL went through for her UK wedding last year, won't be inviting anyone. We're telling our families what we're doing, but have said that it's our day, and we'll share a celebration when we get back. They know where we are going and when, and we've said if they want to tie in a holiday with us, then that's cool, but we are going on the assumption it's just us. It's actually gone down quite well, I was fully expecting 'If you loved us, you'd want us there' from certain people, but it didn't really happen. (and if it has, it's behind my back, and frankly, I couldn't care less.)

[sooperdooper]

SirChenjin, what's so wrong with not being bothered if people attend your wedding or not? It is a way of keeping numbers down, which is why I was very happy to do it

[SirChenjin]

I definitely think that's the best way of doing it if you're getting married abroad - don't invite anyone and have a celebration when you get back. That way no-one feels pressurised to attend, or judged by the size of their pockets.

[freelancegirl]

It depends how close you are to the couple. I got married abroad four years ago (European country, my parents live there). It was bloody fantastic and many of my friends said the best wedding they've ever been to. 80 people flew out fr the UK - some making it a week holiday, others just a weekend. I can't tell you how lovely it was to have all the people you care about in the world having one lovely big sunny party together. I was child-free at the time but asked my friends with children what they would like to do and the ones with school age children left them at home with family, fortunately they had that option. I would now love to be invited to a lovely wedding abroad! But sadly everyone I know is already married. YANBU not wanting to go, but don't assume weddings abroad can't be wonderful!

[SirChenjin]

What I meant by that is by inviting people but making it so difficult and expensive to attend you're effectively saying is you're not bothered if they come. Teejayam has it right - if you want to keep numbers down just don't invite people and don't put them in the position of having to make difficult decisions.

[BolshierAyraStark]

We got married in Cuba, didnt force any of our guests to be there the same as no-one is forcing you to go to BIL wedding, YABU.

[indigo18]

I don't get why people make such a fuss over travelling with children; thousands of people do it every day. Just organise yourselves and get on with it. It could be a big adventure to take a holiday abroad with a wedding thrown in and the children getting experience of other cultures.
I feel that sometimes people who make a big deal out of travelling with children do so because they know their children are badly behaved. And no, being 2 or 3 is not an excuse; I and many of my friends travelled extensively with all ages from babies to late teens (including EBF four month old DTs) and at no time did they disturb anyone else or leave us too exhausted to enjoy ourselves.
Go with a positive attitude and you might even have a good time.

[MissBattleaxe]

I think it's sort of fine if the couple don't expect guests to come. However, there is still that little bit of guilt and obligation if its close family/best friends and so I don't really think its all that fair as you get people sweating over their bank balances and saying "but I've only got one sister/brother/best mate" and feeling obliged.

Any bride and groom that gets married abroad and puts pressure on guests to pay to attend is totally out of order and greedy. No pressure- fine. pressure- not fine

Its also a bit embarrassing to be the family that can't come and its like telling everyone you have no money.

[SirChenjin]

Agree MissBattleAxe

[Vintagejazz]

I think, like other posters on here, that getting married abroad is fine if you want a nice quiet wedding with just close family or a couple of friends attending.
But having your wedding in a foreign country and also expecting all your relatives and friends to attend or taking offence when good friends can't go is unfair and unrealistic.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Well op couldn't say "no" could she, because her dh wants them all to go and sadly, its not her decision alone.
stepfauxwife yanbu. Weddings abroad are great for the b&g. I recommend them as a way of eloping.
For guests they are very difficult. They are expensive in time and money. Most ppl don't have the option of an "extra" foreign holiday (if they have one at all) and you'll often be going somewhere you wouldn't choose otherwise.
Ive been to two overseas weddings. They were lovely. And i am very pleased i went, ( but it was pre DCs for me. I would not have done so after i had my kids tbh.) But between them they cost me £2k over and above the cost of a wedding in the uk.
Its very difficult to decline an invite when its someone you love.
I would try to look on the bright side. Don't get annoyed. Make the most of it, because you are going so you might as well dump the negative feelings and try to enjoy it.

Oh, and in years to come, when the b&g are banging on about what a great holiday it was for everyone, try to remember the good bits. That is why you need to enjoy it. Because they will take the credit for helping you all to have this great holiday.

[MaidOfStars]

Ha, my cousin got married abroad, and told our very large family that we could attend if we wanted but she understood if it was impossible.

60 of us went.

I often wonder if she was actually trying to put us off.

[Poofus]

DH's sister did this recently. It cost us 3k to attend for a week (only flights once a week) and involved taking time off work, cancelling our own holiday plans and ultimately staying in a not-very-nice resort we'd never have chosen for ourselves. It's all very well to say "just turn down the invitation, then", but in practice when it's a close sibling's wedding a huge amount of pressure is put on you to attend, and saying no is likely to cause family rifts. We tried saying no, but the fallout was too dramatic and potentially damaging.

[numptieseverywhere]

we got married abroad because we really didn't want a massive party where we felt obliged to invite everyone. That's also the reason we didn't have a celebration party when we got back home. If we'd wanted a big party in the UK, we'd have just got married here in the first place!

[melissa83]

We got married abroad and invited no one and had no party on return. Too right I didnt care who came we just wanted to shag and drink. Best 2 weeks of my life!

[AlleyCat11]

There's raging debate in my extended family at the minute about my cousin's dream wedding on an exclusive Greek island. Personally I'd hate everybody to be sticking their oar in, but I agree that having a wedding abroad is asking for trouble. I wouldn't do it.

[PiperRose]

Don't go. You don't want to. You'll be no fun and you'll have a horrible time.

[Poofus]

Because they will take the credit for helping you all to have this great holiday.

Oh, and yes - it was this bit that really rankled!

[melissa83]

I think with weddings 99% of time whether home or abroad that they are boring, you have to wait for food, go here, do this, spend cash, stand here blah. No one gives a fuck except the bride and groom. I hope my children do abroad weddings as its your way, just about loving each other and each other.

[sweetnessandlite]

Mellisa, Now THAT'S the way to do it!

We got married abroad and invited no one and had no party on return. Too right I didnt care who came we just wanted to shag and drink. Best 2 weeks of my life!

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Yy melissa

[CalamitouslyWrong]

The whole 'invitation not summons' thing works for normal wedding invitations, but it's a whole other kettle of fish when it's a sibling or other close family member that's getting married. Then there's oodles of family politics and the not at all subtle expectation that you will attend whether you want to or not.

It is quite something to expect people to shell out £3k to see you exchange rings and sign a contract.

[Stinkle]

We went to some friend's wedding in Ibiza a few years ago (we'd actually all been a few times together in our late teens/twenties so it was like a huge reunion)

With Ryan Air flights, and sharing a villa with some other friends it was affordable. Not too far to travel, not hugely expensive. There was 120 guests all in. We had a great time, kids were welcome so we had a family holiday.

However, with some of the holiday-of-a-life-time destination weddings that cost thousands, if I'm spending that sort of money it would be on a big family holiday that we can all enjoy to Disney or something, not wrestling kids on 8+ hour flights to places where they aren't welcome