To think that my husband just doesn't want to spend time with me?

[SuburbanNeurosis]

Husband was invited out for drinks with old workmate. Was going to be a couple of drinks in the local pub and then bring back takeaways for us, as i am at home with our two children.

Get a call at the time he was due back saying he wanted to stay longer and that he would come home and wanted me to drop him back so he could continue drinking. He turned up and spouted a whole lot of justification about meeting lots of new and interesting people who are friends of the workmate who would be useful for his work.

I took him down and said that i was sorry to not have him at home, but hoped he had fun. He said he would have lots of fun without me and not to wait up.

I am angry at this comment as it was said in a horrible way after he had got what he wanted, which was a lift from me so that he can continue his evening without me.

By way of background, we very rarely go out ourselves without the children. The only person he will allow to babysit is his mother. She dislikes babysitting them and so we only ask on very rare occasions, maybe once a year.

I am jealous of him going out, which was arranged without even talking to me first, as he just assumes i will look after the children. I have tried doing things in the evening myself, and he always has a work emergency which means that he cannot look after the children.

He is on holidays at the moment and i had hoped we would spend some time together but all he wants to do is work around the house and on his vehicle restoration. This is rare time for us to spend together without kids and i feel that he just doesn't want to spend the time with me. I have asked him to go for a walk or to the movies and he refuses, saying that he has too much to do. He then blames me and says that i should have done these jobs, if he wants me to spend time with him. These are things like tree trimming and waterblasting, some of which i can do but not all and are not vital. I have offered to do some if we look at the list together, but i expect he will think up more jobs that need to be done.

I feel as though he doesn't really want to spend time with me or our children and is using these household jobs an an excuse. These jobs are things that are nice to have done, but i think us spending time together is important too.

For example, last weekend we did nothing enjoyable as a family, as we spent the whole weekend gardening. After doing jobs round the house he then goes to sleep for 3-4 hours as he is so tired, so there is no time left to do something enjoyable together once he has had a rest. I spend that time while he is asleep doing housework and trying to keep the kids quiet and not wake him up, as he will yell and scream at them.

I had hoped we might do something as a family tomorrow, but after staying out so late with people he has only just met he will be too hungover/ tired to do anything. Then he will have even more jobs to do as he will have lost a day.

Am i unreasonable to be totally angry and feel like he is avoiding spending any meaningful time with me or the children?

I am a very new poster, so please be gentle.

He goes out 'assuming' you will stay in a look after the DC.

He gets the hump for you not doing the stuff around the house that he has decided needs doing.

HE decides who babysits.

I presume you do all the housework too? Cooking, mopping up after him?

Do you want to be a skivvy to a man who doesn't want to spend time with you?

Sorry not read the whole thread but got to the part of "the only person he will let babysit" and thought, hold on! Why's that his decision alone to make?

I must add, sorry you're going through this. It sounds like hard work and as if there's definitely a problem, yes.

This sounds horrible.
So you don't get to go out at all?
That is just not on.
Could you get away for a while with the kids?
Could you stay at your mums to get some space away from him?
I also think you should contact Womens Aid and talk all of this through with them.
It may open your eyes to what is going on.

I agree. You need to make other plans.

It's often said that it's lonelier to be unhappy in a relationship, then single.

You sound so unhappy OP and it must be such a blow to see him having 'fun' with others while you fight for any attention at all.

When I hear things like this, I'm reminded why I choose to stay single.

I would arrange my own babysitter and do things I enjoy. I would not let him stop me living a fulfilling life.
I would not allow a man to dictate my happiness.

I wish you well OP.

How do you think he will react if you inform him that you are going out and have arranged a babysitter?

The reason he's horrible to you this evening is because he feels guilty, he knows he's in the wrong

But he's a massive fuckhead and you should leave him

Bet you all the money in the world he never has them overnight. He doesn't give 2 fucks about his family. Just the control and doing what he wants whenever he wants.

Agree with all the other posts. He sounds like a very unpleasant person and a crappy husband and father. You and your kids deserve better. Start thinking about how you are going to get yourself out of this miserable situation. Is the place you live in mortgaged or rented, and whose name(s) is it in?

In the short term, if he pulls a 'work emergency' every time you arrange to go out, then some evening soon I would make plans but say nothing, wait for him to get home, and then tell him you are off out and will be back later so he's in charge, walk out the door and go. Don't let him be in a position to sabotage your arrangements. If he argues say it's no different to what he does.

I can't see where you go from here, he clearly doesn't want to spend time with you and really why would you/what would you get out of making him?!

It reads to me like his little pub episode was a punishment to you for not completing your list of jobs/whatever screwed up thing in his head that makes him think he has power over you. The problem is though, it's pretty clear that even if you finished that list, he wouldn't be the one initiating any plans.

Do you even want to spend time with someone if it's under duress? I imagine part of you does for the sake of the children but again, it must be more damaging for them to spent forced time with him?

I'm sorry you are faced with this situation but really, he's giving you a clear path by continuing with this behaviour.

Remove everything else and the fact he would shout at the children if they accidentally woke him from a 4 hour afternoon nap would be enough to make me reconsider the situation.

Thank you all for your messages.

They have given me a lot to think about. It is really interesting to hear all your opinions.

He came home late from the pub about midnight
and then managed to get up early (7.30) and continue working on his vehicle. He then got tired and went for a sleep. I made plans to go out with the children to a local park. He woke up with the noise and decided to come along when he realised we were going out without him. He spent time playing with them which was great, but also made me realise how much fun time they miss out on.

To answer your question solidgoldbrass, if I booked a babysitter and went out he would be furious, as he has always said that he does not want strangers in our house. This is the reason he gives for not wanting a babysitter who isn't family and also the reason why he refused to consider having a cleaner when I was working and doing all the housework as well.

"The reason he's horrible to you this evening is because he feels guilty, he knows he's in the wrong"

Yep.

Sorry you're having to put up with this, OP. I'm in a similar situation at the moment (someone who acts as if he's doing me a favour by making time for me). Luckily, not married and no kids, but it has been a bit soul-destroying.

Read your post back.

"Having strangers in the house?" Really? Surely you must see that it's very convenient to take this line if it means you have to do all the cleaning and childcare.

Does he say "I don't like strangers in the house so I've trained as a plumber" or "I don't like strangers in the house so just wait while I unblock that drain"

Of course he doesn't.

Look, this man thinks you are subhuman. You do NOT have to obey him, he is not your owner, he's just an inadequate and unpleasant little man. I strongly advice making plans to end the marriage as soon as possible because his attitude to you will NOT improve.
Were you brought up in a woman-hating culture? Was he? IE are you both accustomed to men doing what they like while women submit and obey and stay at home? Because this insistence on keeping you indoors and refusing to 'allow' you to make arrangements to go out is both sexist and primitive.

This sounds just horrible. What are your finances like OP? Can you get yourself in a healthy position In case you need an emergency fund?

Thank you all again for your messages and your support.

Yes, I can put financial plans in place.

Your comments have opened my eyes to the reality of the situation.

I don't want to spend my life being his last choice.

His work is changing locations soon and he had said to me that he wants to get a room close to his work several nights a week. This is to avoid a commute of maybe 1 hour by car each way. Now I think there is a lot more to the room suggestion than I initially thought. I suspect now that he won't be by himself there, because why else would he want a room? Unless he just wants to opt out of family life even more than he does now.

His actions are telling me clearly what he thinks and I wonder now if this is deliberate, to see how much I will take. If I leave, then he gets what he wants which is me gone
AND he gets to blame me for leaving. If I stay, then he gets to do as he pleases. So either way he wins and I lose. He is always telling me that he always has a long term plan in life and that he doesn't play fair - I was stupid and naive to think his plan included me.

Time for me to make some plans of my own I think. We have talked before in detail of what we will do when the kids leave home, but I now think this was just to keep me quiet while he gets what he wants now and then gets himself sorted with my replacement once I am no longer useful.

If he really cared about me he wouldn't treat me like this.

Koala- I am truly sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. It is truly soul destroying. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me that he feels like this. It knocks your confidence and self- esteem terribly to be treated as though you just don't matter.

It is nothing to do with you.

He chose you because he knew you were strong enough to take it.

He doesn't win either way. He might blame you for leaving but you get to walk away with your head held high and onto something better - even if that is being a single parent (which de facto you already are)

Your post resonates with me too

Dh has been working so hard this year, then every time he gets a rare day off he 'has' to do something in the garden/diy but then his friend invited him to do their hobby and all of a sudden he has two days free! I don't mind him doing his hobby, I just mind that he never seems to want his 'family' time to involve doing something nice with me and the kids

I was at the zoo the other day and a couple said I was v brave going on my own with a 3 year old and a baby, but pretty much all our day trips etc are like that as dh is never v keen on going

OP sorry to hear the latest update.

A room to avoid a commute of one hour! doesn't sound promising at all. It must feel like a kick in the teeth for you.

You sound lovely OP, and also resigned to the fact that it's time to take control of your own future. Do not leave it, or your happiness and the security of your children in this man's hands. He has proved to you that he comes first in his world.
But, also showing you that you can do single parenting successfully. You will be surprised what you can manage without someone dragging you down and eroding your self esteem on a daily basis.

I know this from experience.

Make plans for you and the dcs now. Do not allow him to leave you financially destitute.

And then go forth and live a happy life. I doubt his will be.

Time to pull up your big girl pants and strive for what you want in life OP.

You can do it.

Fill your life with people who want to be with you and spend time in your company. Who enhance your life. Let go of those who don't.

Get tough.

^His actions are telling me clearly what he thinks and I wonder now if this is deliberate, to see how much I will take. If I leave, then he gets what he wants which is me gone
AND he gets to blame me for leaving. If I stay, then he gets to do as he pleases. So either way he wins and I lose.^

This is exactly how I feel about my partner.

He does passive aggressive stuff to me all the time, and I honestly feel that deep down, his plan is what you said. I think he is forcing me to break up with him, in a way that will be easiest for him.

I can't believe I haven't seen it this clearly before. So, thank you.

He is always telling me that he always has a long term plan in life and that he doesn't play fair - I was stupid and naive to think his plan included me.

OMG. This reminds me SO MUCH of the man I was with before my current one. (Yes, I'm having a great run ). Wow. It's almost uncanny.

He told me almost exactly the same things, not long after we met. We were talking about travel plans once, and he said 'One thing you should know about me...I always have a backup plan. And a backup for the backup plan'. I just thought he was talking about being a solutions-oriented person (duh).

It turned out later that he was talking about women. He'd had another girlfriend since before he met me. He was with us both (told us both he was exclusive, neither of us knew about the other) for months. The 'backup plan' turned out to be me.

He was also quite proud of how good he was at 'winning' in business situations. He was very successful, but I started to realise that he always had his eye on the prize, ie getting what was best for HIM in the long-term, and didn't care who he screwed over to get there.

When I busted him with the other woman, he lied shamelessly to minimize fallout for himself. When I called him on his lies, he basically shrugged, and walked off into the sunset. He was just brazen about doing whatever it took to get what he wanted in life, and anyone who got hurt along the way was just collateral damage.

You sound like a genuinely nice person, so I hope your husband is not as bad as all this, but I think it is a personality type. I think that some men have a radar for women who will let them get away with too much. We deserve better than this, OP. Your children deserve better, too.

It is nothing to do with you. He chose you because he knew you were strong enough to take it.

I'm glad someone said this. I'm crying a bit now, for the OP and for myself, and for all the other women who just take too much from men.

I'm sorry OP but wanting to get a room to avoid a 1 hour commute is not normal. 1 hour is nothing if you want to get home to your family ???

Start making your plans. Be the one to leave if needs he, don't care what anyone thinks or says, you'll he happier with the children on your own and you'll be the winner !!! x

You have not got an equal relationship. I would sit him down and tell him a thing or two. E.g he does not need a room, he can commute or you all move. Tell him that you will be joining a babysitting circle or advertising for a babysitter and if he doesn't like it he absolutely has to be home to do the child care if you are going out.
If you don't get anywhere you would be better off in your own. If you want to save it you could try Relate.