Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to just go soon?

38 replies

Pyjamaramadrama · 30/07/2014 12:16

A relative has asked me to come over to help with some course work, apparently I'm quite selfish and unhelpful for not helping before. This is along the lines of typing things up for her, proof reading, formatting her work. Which I admit no I don't really want to. I also know nothing about the subject she's studying, and she tends to be quite scatty, so she'd ask for help but then end up having me doing other things such as help her choose a dress or run errands with her. As far as I know the course has been going on for years and she's delayed and extended because she hasn't met deadlines.

On top of that I've for lots to do myself but have been told that they are not as important as I've not got a deadline.

Anyway, she asked me to come at 10.30, then put it back to 11.30 but told me to come over anyway and she'd definitely be back by 11.30.

She's still not he and I'm sat here like an idiot.

And when I say I want to get away by 2.30 I'll be called selfish and unhelpful.

OP posts:
NorwaySpruce · 30/07/2014 12:18

Why are you doing anything for her at all?

Most students manage fine on their own, it's kind of the point.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/07/2014 12:18

Leave, she's taking the piss and doesn't care about you and what you want.

Stop doing her work for her and when you're accused of being selfish and unhelpful tell her to fuck off.

Is she your sister?

runningonwillpower · 30/07/2014 12:18

Why are you at the beck and call of this selfish person?

Her course work, her problem.

MissPenelopeLumawoo · 30/07/2014 12:19

How close is this relative? Are we talking mother/sister, or second cousin? I don't think you are being unreasonable in not wanting to stay, but if it is a close relative, there may be a diplomatic incident brewing if you leave. For a distant relative I would just go home though and stuff it. Maybe you should just say no and see what happens??

MorphineDreams · 30/07/2014 12:20

Tell her to piss off and leave. If she's doing this to you now she'll expect it for the rest of your life. Don't give in

DownByTheRiverside · 30/07/2014 12:21

I don't understand why you are putting up with this, from a sister or a daughter or whatever. On the face of it, you seem something of a doormat,
I'm waiting for the dripfeed.

Ronmione · 30/07/2014 12:22

Stick up for yourself. Set the record straight on whose behaviour is selfish! I'd have gone home by now.

Original poster
Pyjamaramadrama · 30/07/2014 12:22

I'm quite scared of her. I don't know why because she isn't going to get violent. But she holds grudges for years.

I want to say to her, this is why I don't help you, but I know I'll be wrong whatever I say.

She's a close relative yes.

OP posts:
BookABooSue · 30/07/2014 12:22

Leave. By hanging around waiting, you're tacitly agreeing that her time is more important than your's. It isn't. Pop a note through the door and get on with your own tasks. Don't let her guilt you into going back over today.

PuppyMonkey · 30/07/2014 12:23

I'm hoping you've gone by now. I'm hoping you won't ever go back.

Who needs to "type things up" in this day and age? Grin

ShadowFall · 30/07/2014 12:23

I'd be sorely tempted to send her a text along the lines of "you weren't home when I came, can't wait any longer as I've got lots to get done today" - and then leave. If she said 12:30 then she's already 45 mins late.

I'm inclined to think that she can't consider your help to be that important if she can't be bothered to meet you at a time that she's specified.

And it's out of order to call you selfish and unhelpful for not helping - particularly when it comes to things like typing up and formatting. She should be typing up and formatting her work herself.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/07/2014 12:23

Is she your older sister?

Original poster
Pyjamaramadrama · 30/07/2014 12:24

There's no drip feed I don't think.

She's very forceful and extrovert and I'm the opposite and find it very hard to say no or have a confrontation with her.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 30/07/2014 12:26

You need to grow a backbone. This is her problem, not yours - if she can't even be arsed to turn up at the agreed time, then she obviously isn't making this her top priority. So why should you?

Squidstirfry · 30/07/2014 12:26

F*ck her.

sezamcgregor · 30/07/2014 12:27

If she really needed your help, she'd have been there at 9.30 getting everything ready for you coming at 10.30.

Leave a note and leave.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/07/2014 12:27

Unless she's paying you for secretarial services, this is not your responsibility! What are you getting out of this relationship exactly? I'd leave with a note that you came around as discussed, waited X minutes and then had to leave to get on with your own work. It sounds like a falling out would be a blessing.

DownByTheRiverside · 30/07/2014 12:28

So you need to find your backbone and tell her politely and firmly that you are not available.
Do you have children of an age to nag you and whine at you? It's like saying no to that, but with someone a bit bigger. She's a taker, and unless you stand your ground, she will continue exploiting your goodwill forever.
It is possible to maintain a relationship with someone like that if you want or need to, you just have to set clear boundaries. If you can't, then you either put up and shut up or end it.

sezamcgregor · 30/07/2014 12:28

*the note saying "I sat and waited for TWO HOURS - TWO HOURS that I could have spent typing up your work, but you were not here."

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/07/2014 12:29

You will have to be confrontational at some point or you're going to be at her beck and call for the rest of your life or at least as long as she sees fit.

You don't need to be a raging harpy [also it helps to get your point across], just say:

I'm not prepared to be treated like this and I'm not going to do it.

I know it's easy to say this but do you want to be treated like this?, you've posted here so does that mean you're feeling ready to stand up to her?

Vitalstatistix · 30/07/2014 12:32

Why are you so afraid of her being cross with you? What power does she actually have other than what you give her?

Leave.

The worst that can happen is she will hold a grudge. And? what will happen then? The sky won't fall on your head. People who love you won't stop loving you. You won't get struck by lightening Grin

The fear is worse than the reality. So she'll be pissed off with you. That won't kill you. If she isn't talking to you, see that as a positive. At least she won't be trying to get you to do her work for you.

you have to find a way to be ok with an unreasonable person having an unreasonable tantrum and to see it as their problem.

Original poster
Pyjamaramadrama · 30/07/2014 12:34

I get nothing out of it really, we do have the occasional laugh or chat but generally I let myself get bossed around, criticised and coerced into doing things that I don't want to do.

If you met her you may understand a bit more why people put up with things from her.

I'm not the only one who ends up in these situations with her.

And just for an example, a friend who has distanced herself from her, well she's threatening to ring the friends employer and report her for something that she's doing in her personal life. Very vengeful.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 30/07/2014 12:34

What would be the actual things which would happen if she did choose to hold a grudge against you?

a. Would there be a financial impact?
b. Would you be at risk of violence?
c. Would she muck you around at some later date because of this perceived slight?

If the answer is a or b then on this occasion stay (but get help later)

If the answer is c then she will do that anyway so just go

AMumInScotland · 30/07/2014 12:35

You really do need to start standing up for yourself. Do you honestly want to spend your life being told that you are selfish when you have taken time out of your own life to go to her house and provide help, and she isn't even there?

Leave a note through the door. "You said you'd definitely be back by 11:30, I have been waiting here for an hour and have things to do."

And then, if she pouts, throws her toys out of the pram, and holds a grudge about it, just say calmly "I came over to help. You weren't there. You need to sort your own ideas out and not blame other people for your problems"

LineRunner · 30/07/2014 12:35

My mother used to do this to me.