AIBU to think it's not depression - I am just a shit SAHM?

[Itsjustmeagain]

Dh and I were working together in a company we started , I was working full time and we have 5 children- everything was fab.

We lost one of our major clients and to cut a long story short it was no longer possible for us to cover the cost of childcare.we share all of our money and so it wasnt a question of who was paying for it it just didn't add up in total. DH has GOT to be there each day as he runs the technical side of things and there's no reason for me to be there without him if you see what I mean.

I still have to do a few hours a day at home to keep up with some basic admin .

So I am now a SAHM. I was fine with it at first but lately I have changed so much - there is no reason for anything, I shout all the time , can't be bothered to do anything. I woke u this morning feeling like crying because another day had started.

The house is a tip

I love being with the children it's just the endless stream of nothing that I can't face.

I don't even have a car so any trip out is a major undertaking.

Dh is working really long hours (he left at 6am And doesn't cone home until around 10pm).

I was already doing some evening voluntary work which I am still doing but now I'm finding it hard as I just feel so worried and out of place .

I have looked into all possibilities for work and because of DHs hours and childcare costs we are FAR better off with me here.

Dh and his family have been talking about how hard dh has it and how I'm "just depressed".

But Aibu to think it's not really depression it's just being a shit SAHM?

Aibu to say this even though it will upset dh since he seems to like telling everyone how hard he works and how I am now "at home ".

andmy - I dont have any family around, my mum died when I was a teenager. I have MIL nearby but she is elderly. SIL takes the older two swimming once a week which is nice.

I think anyone would be feeling a bit depressed in your situation, tbh. I agree with the suggestion to get some childcare, even if just a few hours so you can go for a swim or something - DH should see this as a contribution to your mental health. Are there any local gyms that have a creche, as that might be a cheap way of getting everyone looked after for an hour or two? (some gyms might have activities for the older ones too). Also, a good tip I saw on here was to have a theme for each week (trains, nature, farms, craft) and to do activities related to that. In other words, use the same techniques early years professionals and primary teachers use - themes and a strict routine.

It's hard being with them all the time, it really is.
I don't think you're shit either, I think you're struggling through a hard situation.
What were the hobbies you were doing ?
Is there anyway you can do something related to them at home in the evening ? I know it sounds a bit wanky, and I usually get really annoyed when oysters make silly unrealistic suggestions.
I went through a patch recently (mine was anxiety related) where my life seemed utterly helpless, it's horrible.
I found trying to sort out one small thing at a time helped, I wrote a lot of lists about the things I could change, the things I couldn't and worked on them from there.
I hope things get better soon

I've been a SAHM for nearly 8 years (with a break of 6 months when I worked full time). I haven't enjoyed a lot of it, and was depressed for some of it (ADs helped). It's only when the children were older and at school at least some of the time that I enjoyed it. I just really wasn't cut out to be a SAHM to young children although now they're at school full time, it's brilliant.

Your DH's lack of understanding is awful. Would he really enjoy being at home for month after month after month with 5 DCs, with no realistic prospect of WOH anytime soon? I doubt it. I think the one thing that kept me going sometimes was my DHs empathy.

Is it possible that you are slightly depressed because being a SAHM is not for you?
It sounds like a very tough situation and I hope there are plans in place to turn things around because the current situation can't be sustainable in the long term.
What is the medium term plan for the business? Does your DH know how he is going to be able to bring in more money and reduce his working hours?

Totally sympathise too - it's how I felt on maternity leave. Your world shrinks so much. But agree with others, it could still be depression - the waking up crying because another day has started is classic. I know my anxiety came back in a big way when I was at home alone with a new baby.

If you've done the maths and this is the really the only way to work things for your family at this time then focus on the fact that it is only temporary and you will eventually get funding. Sometimes things are easier to accept when you know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, could you afford childcare just for the little one a few hours a week while you do some work at home? While I worked out that it didn't pay for me to go into work, it just about makes financial sense for me to pay for childcare and work from home. It all helps keep me sane and keeps my hand in workwise for when DD is older.

I don't think you are depressed or shit, you sound bored and lonely. Your DH likes telling people you are at home because that enhances his good provider status. Go with others' practical suggestions above but in your position the first thing I would want to do is sort the house out, with outside help. Then do classes etc for yourself as you can't help others until you have helped yourself. Volunteering at this point seems not quite right as you are already in a caring role for your family - you need to be asserting yourself rather than effacing yourself. My situation is completely different so I hope you will forgive my giving advice, but your psychological predicament jumped off the page at me. Good luck, you sound fab!

TheVery - things are slowly getting better at work, new clients are coming in to replace some of the income. We though we were going to have to get rid of some other staff but as it turns out we didnt so hopefully things are getting a little better. The thing is I am not there now so I just dont know whats going on with DHs hours.

I'm glad the business seems to be improving and I can see how you are struggling so much with the huge change to your circumstances.
I think your DH needs to understand how difficult it is for you, and that while it maybe the only option right now, you both need to figure out how to make things work for all of you as family.
Do you think it makes him feel good about himself telling everyone he is the sole provider for all of you?
This attitude would annoy me, I think, if he is not prepared to listen properly to your feelings on the situation.

There's SAHMing and SAHMing.

Its one thing to be an SAHM, perhaps with one child at school, another a toddler, a car, plenty of friends to meet up with and money to go places and do things, and a DH who is home by 6pm have family supper and join in with bath and bedtime. Still quite draining but fun.

Its another to be totally stuck at home with five children, no car and a DH who works all hours!

You probably are depressed, it sounds quite a depressing situation.

Even if you can't change it it would probably make you feel much better if your DH could say "I realise it must be really tough for you, well done for slogging on with it" rather than minimising. Likewise he would probably appreciate you empathising with the challenges in his life (long hours). Can you two have a heart to heart about how you can really show your appreciation for each other?

Is there any way he could reduce his hours by allowing you back into the business more? If it's a joint business there must be a family compromise possible.

I've recently returned to work after being a SAHM for several years. I have less children than you and a DH with on going health issues resulting in a low and at times sporadic income, so not the same circumstances as you. But honestly how you feel know is how I felt for the last year at home. I couldn't afford to do all of the lovely middle class activities everyone else I know fills their days with. We don't have a car so I can't easily reach the few free things in the area (and the local toddler group is dire). I just lost the ability and will to live the same mundaneness everyday. The thing is I think even if we were better off financially and I was able to do more, I still would have felt this way.
So for me returning to work has been for my own sanity as much as for to improve my family's quality of life.

I hear what you're saying about not being able to afford to work right now, but what do you have outside of your family/house for yourself? You need to make sometime for yourself each week, be it a hobby, class or sitting staring into space for an hour.

I love my DS but I couldn't be a SAHM - the monotony of it would drive me mad I'd think. I love spending time with DS and would quite happily spend my days with him, but the thought of my life being a case of living the same day, day after day would drive me crazy.

I'm tempted to ask my boss if when I return to work I'm allowed to bring DS with me - the best of both worlds

I was planning on taking a year off following DS's birth but I have already bought my return to work date forward by 3 months because I can't bear the thought of being a SAHM for 12 months

I completely understand as a SAHM to 3 dc's 5,2 and 7 months. There is very little physical or headspace, the tasks are rolling so you don't get the satisfaction of completion, your day is never done and there is little appreciation for all you do.

DH works in a physically hard job where he is subject to verbal and sometimes physical abuse, but he says staying at home is harder having seen it for himself when I was in hospital and during some recent holiday time.

Maybe if you left DH with the kids while you had a day off to do something for you and recharge your batteries then he would appreciate all you do more. You could then work out some sort of regular arrangement for some time for you. Sounds like he doesn't getmuch down time either and is very stretched and stressed himself so is not able to see your needs.

Have you also sat down and written a list of all your skills (household management included) and researched careers that they might transfer into. You might be able to command a higher wage bracket than you think making child care costs possible.

I agree Downtime, if the person working is under alot of stress too (long hours and lots of travel for example) it can be incredibly hard as when they come in you just want to flop and have a moan and they can't really support you because they are shattered. Very difficult. I think many, many couples have times like this and myself and my friends have spent long hours over coffee sympathising with each other while attempting to keep DCs amused at the same time.

You do have it pretty tough with 5 though, I think you are being quite hard on yourself if you think you should be enjoying that situation every single day with no car and limited means. You are getting on with it and that is what we have to do sometimes, doesn't mean you are a bad person because you don't enjoy it.

Agree with Another, is there any way you could get away for a day or part of a day at the weekend so that your DH can appreciate how tough it is?

i'm a bit lost as to why other staff are still being employed whilst you've had to stay home to do childcare and it's destroying you.

surely get rid of a member of staff whose job you can do and pay for the childcare with the saved salary?

you both need to be ok as well as financially solvent and this isn't working for you.

Being an involuntary sahm is a very different and difficult experience.

Totally sympathise. I planned to be a stay at home mum, but when ds1 was 12 months old, I found myself banging on the door begging to go back.

Any chance of planning towards an Au Pair? It would give you some company in the day, and a bit more flexibility as you plan towards the future too.

You will soon be at the stage of your youngest getting free hours at nursery too. Best of luck

My friend used to be part of a project where she had students from the college (who were on childcare/nannying courses) come and be a mother's help for her for the day maybe once or twice a week for a period of time. She really found that helpful and enjoyed the company too. Is that something that would work for you?

I felt exactly the same as you during my (thankfully brief) stint as a SAHM. And the fact that so many women seem to accept this as perfectly normal, and that drugs are an acceptable solution has my jaw on the floor.

Would any of you say that someone should just drug themselves up to tolerate any other job they hate? I doubt it - you'd be making all kinds of suggestions on how to change the situation and find a new job.

OP, I'm sure you've done the maths, but would you actually be losing money on childcare if you worked? Or just not earning very much? Most families find that while children are small and childcare costs are high, one salary is pretty much eaten up by childcare. BUT - in the long run it's a better idea financially to keep working because it improves long-term earning potential. And if, as in your case, your mental health is also suffering from being a SAHM, it really seems a better idea to work for nothing rather than suffer at home for nothing.

I absolutely feel your pain and I hope you find a solution.

I feel for you. I lost my job last year and had what turned out to be a very long Summer/Autumn ( so over the holidays) with no other 'end in sight' or work to go to (until thankfully getting another position). Finding that money was tight, I felt quite powerless about being able to entertain DD, then 2, with anything beyond very basic and fairly aimless activity (I know some people are very creative, and she was happy enough in the garden most of the time, but I found it made me very down). I nearly left my DH as I couldn't handle it, but then got anti depressants and eventually another job and my whole self esteem and confidence changed utterly and kind of saved everything. And yes, the ADs worked and it was only with hindsight that I recognised what it was that they had helped with.

It is not that you are a bad SAHM. I think it is losing your job plus lack of company (DH working all hours) plus holidays (hopefully some of yours are at school and spoken for during term) plus heat and its effect on energy and sleep. Please make sure that you have a deal with your OH that maybe 2 weekends out of 4 or whatever's reasonable, you escape on your own for a day (or he and they go out). It sounds a bit antisocial but I think even if you feel you 'waste' that time for a bit (ie by not doing what you have to do every day), it will start to help.

Could you reshuffle bedrooms and hire an au pair? It's a cheaper option.

I definitely agree if no way to change it, you should try and make some kind of project out of this time. Maybe some kind of photo book/life story thing for each child or some home ed type stuff working around school or home improvements, gardening, anything which will change and be different day by day and be a new challenge.

yo OP - why are other people keeping their jobs whilst you lose yours? are they employees without skills you have or are you somehow second to them? foot down.