Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to want dp to get a better paid job and i stay pt

72 replies

itispersonal · 29/07/2014 13:25

Brief outline.

Been with Dp for 3 years have 1 dd who is 1yo. We are both early 30s. Dp has been in same job for 10 years which is a job I would class as a teenager job, sorry if that offends people and earns just over minimum wage. I work part time and earn almost as much as he does. I was also working part time when we met, had my own house and car whilst he rented and had no car.

Also my parents have been very very generous to me with giving me a large deposit for my current house which means my mortgage payments have been very small and so only needed to work part time (was also at uni as a mature student when bought the house) and have a degree where I can do supply work as and when I've needed / wanted to which pays well.

When I was pregnant offered Dp opportunity to be sahp and I work as I would earn more but he didnt want to do this.

However we are currently moving house as want more space, my parents are again giving us money to upscale and I am renting out my current house though renting it out cheap to Dp friend so don't have the hassle of agency fees, so not making a lot of profit on it.

I suppose I am now worrying about money, obviously we can afford to move and we will have a couple of hundred of pounds left each to buy stuff and treat ourselves. But we would struggle if had to replace car, boiler etc and would struggle to do that now. I think with the amount of money my parents have given me I feel we should be able to do nice holidays and not worry about things breaking and if dp got a slightly better job we would be able to do.

I feel if I went full time and Dp went part time in his we would still be tight financially. And if we both went full time my wages would be eaten into my nursery fees and my degree subject is in early years teaching and with the age our dd is I wouldn't want to be full time teaching other children when could/should be with my own.

I feel writing this I am very princessy which I am not and maybe even entitled and what a first world problem and I am fully aware people are in far worse situations and I see this with the part time work I do.

I am very careful with money and dont but myself expensive stuff but feel Dp needs to start being a bit more ambitious to provide more for the family, especially as he is wanting a second child soon too.

OP posts:

Original poster

itispersonal · 29/07/2014 14:07

maybe I should put into context we aren't living beyond our means I save and save tax credits for day outs.

My current house is 75k mid terrace, New house is 100k mid terrace with bigger rooms. If sold house would have gone for a 130k semi so no better off financially though money would have been in 1 pot. So I'm not striving for a mansion.If boiler went I would have the money to replace it. But wouldn't then to able to replace the savings with our finances at mo or indeed the future as it stands and with always being a saver that scares me.
I'm not saying I have it bad I know if hadn't had parents financial support I'd be working full time, paying a lot in rent daughter is nursery and have no spare cash at all.

OP posts:

notaflamingclue · 29/07/2014 14:10

Why would you have gone for the bigger house if you had sold the other one though? Why not just settle for the 100k house and keep the balance?
I appreciate that you're not looking for a mansion, but it does seem as if you are aspiring to things which your financial position simply won't warrant. This can be changed if you were to work full time, or if your DP earnt more. You yourself can only change one of these things.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 29/07/2014 14:15

notaflamingclue
Why would you have gone for the bigger house if you had sold the other one though? Why not just settle for the 100k house and keep the balance?

I wondered that too!

Original poster

itispersonal · 29/07/2014 14:23

Because we only decided to look at 100k house after I suggested renting current one out. As it is isn't really upscaling much more a sideways move.

I wouldn't have moved but would have extended but currently terrace house is small and paper thin walls and neighbour was complaining about us going up stairs, getting pots out in kitchen and even makin cups of tea and putting the spoons on the side.

OP posts:

KellyElly · 29/07/2014 14:26

especially as he is wanting a second child soon too. Well then yes he should. So far things have been bankrolled by your parents, am assuming the house you are in was bought by you and you working part time enables you both to not have to pay much in childcare costs. It sounds as if he has brought a lot less than you financially to the table, and done much less of the childcare. If he wants a second child then he needs to do his bit to make sure you are in a position to afford one. I see where you are coming from and this would annoy me too.

TheCraicDealer · 29/07/2014 14:28

Ok, let’s look at the bare bones here:-

You work PT
He works FT
Your combined hours at the moment mean your childcare outlay is minimal and you get to spend a lot of time together as a family
You own two houses, one of which you admit you’re making a small profit on

Sorry you’re getting a pasting here, but the only negative I can see is not being able to afford a holiday or replace savings at the rate you’re used to. Those are luxuries plenty of families can't afford at this point in their lives, you need to get your head around that. If you can't spare the cost of the upkeep of the rental property and your new home then, sorry, but you can't afford to keep house no.1.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/07/2014 14:34

If the lifestyle you have is not the lifestyle you want I can't understand why you hitched your wagon to someone earning barely above minimum wage and now expect things to be different. And the change you want is to be achieved by someone other than yourself. Meanwhile having been bankrolled by your parents to the degree that you now own two houses rather than just the one that most people aspire to.

There's something wrong with your head.

Timetoask · 29/07/2014 14:36

I think I can see where OP is coming from.
The man has been in the same job for 10 years, earns very little. He now has a family, lives in her house and wants another child.
Why can't he strive to improve his prospects a little?

notaflamingclue · 29/07/2014 14:36

Because we only decided to look at 100k house after I suggested renting current one out. As it is isn't really upscaling much more a sideways move.

That's not a reason.

Vivacia · 29/07/2014 14:36

If boiler went I would have the money to replace it.

So unexpected expenses aren't a problem then? You have put some financial security in place.

But wouldn't then to able to replace the savings with our finances at mo or indeed the future as it stands and with always being a saver that scares me.

But neither could most people. That's what makes them savings.

I'm not saying I have it bad

So is it more that this thread is "thinking out loud" and there isn't really a problem here?

Vivacia · 29/07/2014 14:39

If the lifestyle you have is not the lifestyle you want I can't understand why you hitched your wagon to someone earning barely above minimum wage and now expect things to be different

Or similarly, "If the lifestyle you have is not the lifestyle you want I can't understand why you hitched your wagon to working part time and starting a family".

I don't think that the OP is getting a pasting. I find the tone of this discussion quite gentle and very interesting.

Original poster

itispersonal · 29/07/2014 14:40

I don't mind the pasting. I know it sounds awful but in some ways I feel I then in turn bank roll Dp.

I took on 2 jobs when pregnant to save for maternity leave and was lucky to have a year off. Dp didn't contribute extras when I was on maternity as he wouldn't be able to.

My parents look after dd when I work unless Dp is off but they have said they can't look after 2 children as they are late 60s.

I think I have been realising I cant afford the 2 houses as the sale has been going thru the last couple of months.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 29/07/2014 14:41

Actually TheCRaicDealer - I don't think the OP has been getting a pasting at all. I was only just thinking this must be the new "fluffier" MN I've been reading about. Your first paragraph is spot on.

OP owns 2 houses (due to being given money by parents, not through having earned it), has a lovely partner, and a little one, has a job which allows her to only work 2 days a week, has a partner who is able to be around and spend a lot of time with her and her dd, is able to replace things out of an emergency fund, and has enough left each month to save something regularly. If that's not utopia, I don't know what is.

BackforGood · 29/07/2014 14:42

x-posted

can now add - 'free childcare' to the list !

Staryyeyedsurprise · 29/07/2014 14:45

Vivacia
I don't think that the OP is getting a pasting. I find the tone of this discussion quite gentle and very interesting me too.

Will DP be on the mortgage for new house? Could you afford the mortgage without his contributions? I noted up thread you said deposit goes back to me or my daughter if we sell the house I die - would this alter if he contributed more to the mortgage? Also, if you couldn't afford the mortgage without his contributions, do you think it's fair that the deposit is ringfenced from him?

This is just sheer nosiness on my behalf - please dont' feel like I'm interrogating you!

TheCraicDealer · 29/07/2014 14:51

I meant ‘pasting’ as in “literally everyone disagrees with you”- this is a rather naice discussion to be fair!

Teeb · 29/07/2014 14:55

You knew who this man was before you committed to him. He isn't ambitious, he's happy with the level he's on and there's nothing wrong with that, it's unfair to expect him to be something he isn't. It's like going out with a size 18 woman and then three years down the line being annoyed she isn't a size 8 all of a sudden! There's that quote, "when someone tells you who they are, listen."

Are you ambitious? What's the lifestyle/income you want? What can you do to achieve that?

Vivacia · 29/07/2014 14:57

Ah, it does seem fairly unanimous. Although I was fairly confused at first trying to spot what the problem was. Now that I know the OP can afford to deal with emergencies, I'm even more at a loss.

OP I really do wonder where all of this pressure is coming from. Or is it down to feeling a bit dissatisfied with your lot? I remember realising that no matter how hard I worked, or for how long, I was never going to afford a lovely 4-bedroomed house in the country.

OttilieKnackered · 29/07/2014 14:59

It's really hard to feel much sympathy for you OP. To look at it another way, your DP working enables you to only work part time and pay off your mortgage (which he gets shit all from). And you only have the mortgage(s) because your parents bankrolled you.

There only seems to be on person getting an easy deal here...

ICanSeeTheShardFromHere · 29/07/2014 15:08

So if I'm reading the OP right, you want more money coming in to the household but you expect other people to bring it in for you and not have to do anything about it yourself?

Or, you would just rather be a bit richer (because you must literally be the only person who feels like this )

Or, you're starting to resent your DH's lack of ambition as your family grows, despite admitting you have none yourself??

sarahquilt · 29/07/2014 15:10

It feels a bit like you want to have your cake and eat it. You have a big asset that a lot of couples don't have. Either sell it or work more. It's unfair to expect him to change what he's doing when he's already working full time.

Clarabell33 · 29/07/2014 15:16

I think Timetoask makes a good point. Just focusing on one thing here and not getting into what other pps have said re cutting cloth etc, if the DP wants more than they currently have, i.e. another child, regardless of how they fund things at the moment or any other considerations, then I think it's reasonable for the OP to expect him to contribute more - but then it shouldn't all fall on the DP, it should be a joint responsibility.

OP, you should just talk to your DP about budgets, future planning etc and see if you can come up with a plan that works for everyone without it being all about DP not earning enough. Good luck!

Purplepoodle · 29/07/2014 15:17

Pushing your partner could destroy your relationship. If you pressurise him into moving to a new job that he finds he doesn't like the one who will get the blame will be you.

QueenofallIsee · 29/07/2014 15:21

There only seems to be on person getting an easy deal here...

^^ 100 x this comment.

Original poster

itispersonal · 29/07/2014 15:22

I understand what people are saying and probably did rush in and have a baby with him. As I said in post itdoes t sound like a problem

But surely it's normal for most parents to aspire to give children a nice start and not struggle. My parents did it for me and I want it for mine.

I will be ambitious once the children are of school age and will hopefully get into my degree field. I am not wanting him to have a career but him earning 16k rather than 13k a year would make things easier and comfortable.

I do also resent the fact he takes the car to work which means I have to car share with my parents.

Yes he knows about the deposit and it comin back to me. If wasn't with him I wouldn't need a bigger house. He is contributing any to the deposit but all house bills will be halved. And any profit from the house halved.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3