To be annoyed by my friend's attitude?

[LifesABeachApparently]

Apologies in advance for the hundredth wedding post!

So, we're going to a wedding soon. In total there are 7 of us, 5 are friends to the bride and groom and two of us are plus ones as partners to the invited. We're giving money as a gift (yes yes, I know, but this isn't a post about money vs gift). Anyway, we were working out how much money to give and we all decided £15 per person would be good but that the couples would each pay a little more (£20). So the 3 single invitees would each pay £15 and the two couples would pay £20 per couple.

It's important to note here that the 3 single friends aren't actually single, their OHs just can't make it to the wedding. Also, both myself and the other plus one aren't close friends of the B&G, I think they're lovely people but it's just that I've only met them twice before.

Just before sealing the envelope single friend A says she doesn't think it's fair she's paying £15 whereas me and my DP (and the other couple) are effectively paying £10 each, so she and single friend B decide to form a 'couple' and pay £20 together. Not only does this leave the third single friend C out it's also not really the point - the reason the couples are paying more is because there are 2 in a couple but the reason we're only paying a bit more is because we're only plus ones rather than life long school friends!

So... AIBU to be a bit upset at friend A?

[BalloonSlayer]

Why do you all have to get together and work out how much you give?
You are all adults, you do not exist as a single entity. This is not an episode of Friends.

You and your DP can give £5, £50 or £5000 if you like, it's got sod all to do with anyone else.

[SallyMcgally]

I grew up in an Irish family and I think it really does make you realise how tight and miserly British people often are tbh, especially when compared to a generous culture like the irish

That is really rude. I don't think there's much truth in it either. I straddled both cultures for many years. Got married while in Ireland, was VERY grateful for wedding presents from both Brits and Irish which were very comparable. There was nobody spending 150 EURO, thank God. I'd have been horrified if there had been - I think that's a bloody ridiculous amount, especially if it's expected.

[kali110]

Agree with evans. Get your own card and give what you want! Then you don't have to argue over who pays what.
I wouldn't want that at my wedding. Id rather people if they wanted gave whatever they wanted, couldn't care less if it were stingy! Id just be happy people were there celebrating with me, thats much more important to me.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

^^

[hmc]

It is indeed rude SallyMcGally - and borderline racist imo

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

Aaww, thnks Ilkely - my first ever fist bump
skips off to kitchen in a very merry mood

[reup]

When I was single it used to drive me mad that I bought something from a gift list and a couple would buy a similarly priced item but share the cost but still cost the b&g the same amount in terms of food and drink.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

Evans

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Do people in Ireland really turn down weddings if they can't afford £150ish?!?!

That's ridiculous!

I got married really young and all my friends were all still students. I'd have been heartbroken if any of them hadn't come because they couldn't afford a ridiculous amount of money for a present.

Our wedding list included bubble tumblers - sold separately at 99p each! If I'd had my way everyone would have just bought us a box of chocolates. I like chocolates.

Who is in the right re: this depends on whether you see a wedding present as a token of affection for the bride and groom on their special day or a ticket to the event.

The £15 /£20 thing implies £10 of affection from the actual friends plus £5 per person ticket. By effectively making it £10 a person friend A is saying she has no affection for the bride and groom (at least none beyond that which the +1s have) but that the event is a £10 ticket.

[EarthWindFire]

I grew up in an Irish family and I think it really does make you realise how tight and miserly British people often are tbh, especially when compared to a generous culture like the irish

How rude and condescending!!!

[Happy36]

Mumoftwoyoungkids I don't know about Ireland but in Spain people, including us, decline wedding invitations if you can't afford to pay the expected gift contribution.

In Spain, Germany and pethaps other countries, the idea is that each guest "pays his way" and therefore gives adequate cash to reimburse the bride and groom for what they have fed and watered him with. This way the guests can celebrate and enjoy seeing their relative or friend get married without leaving the young couple out of pocket when they will be going on to have a family of their own, buy a house, etc.

It's just a different tradition and doesn't equate to the UK cash or vouchers wedding gift as an alternative to a toaster, etc.

If we go to a UK wedding we get a gift from the list for 80-100 pounds. If we go to a Spanish wedding we give 400-500 in cash for our family. In both cases we are following tradition and they are not really comparable.

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

10 per head & that is the end of the discussion. B&G will be paying the meals per head so the cash gift should be given on a per head basis.

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

Posted too soon. If you are giving as a group then gift contribution should be per head. There shouldnt be a discount for being in a couple which is why I think 10 is fairer.

[ChanelNumber19]

Sorry, not everybody and not every socio economic group in Ireland trips itself up in knots to give the right amount, whatever that might be. I guess I'd see it as sensible and frugal, also, big gifts can embarrass the recipient! Really! that is how my family sees it! we don't like to embarrass others by being too generous.

I've lived in both countries. My parents might be 70 but they'd be appalled by modern wedding lists and an outright request for cash. My brother sometimes gives me money for my birthday and calls it universal vouchers but I've never felt any embarrassment at all handing over a small quirky gift.

None of my relatives have judged me for not giving them 200 euro when they got married, I'm sure of that.

[ChanelNumber19]

I agree with PPs, I'm embarrassed on behalf of the poster who calls British people mean. Some of the Irish generosity is not sensible, or even real and there is a stereotype, the ludicrous pantomine where people prove their generosity racing to the bar, even if their children have no pencils.

[CheerfulYank]

I'd have been horrified if someone had declined my wedding invitation because they couldn't afford a gift!

The gifts were lovely but I invited people I really wanted to join us on that day. Their attendance was the important thing.

Expecting a gift, how rude!

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Happy

It seems a really sad tradition. Like I said - I got married very young. If my friends had had to "pay their way" at our wedding I would have had no friends there.

[silveroldie2]

I don't understand why the couples pay less than a single person - that would piss me off a lot, not that I would be happy being associated with giving a gift of £75(?) from 7 people .

Serenitysutton
"I grew up in an Irish family and I think it really does make you realise how tight and miserly British people often are tbh, especially when compared to a generous culture like the irish"

Not only insulting but untrue. I'm guessing you don't know the irish woman I once knew who would have sold her Mother's soul not to buy a round of drinks. We visited a Betty's cafe once when in Yorkshire and she wouldn't split the bill, preferring to only pay for what she ordered because what I ordered cost 22p more than hers. Now THAT's tight. Based on my experience WIBU to say that all irish are tight? Of course I would be.

[missingwordsround]

YABU to expect everyone to not all pay the same, as this isn't a competition about how well you know the couple - you are all equally attending and eating, drinking and partying, I assume?

Personally, I think if you have accepted an invite, and someone else is paying for your food and entertainment for the whole day, it is good manners to take a token gift. FFS I take a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers or similar to a dinner party or beers/wine to a BBQ....

(£10 seems very tight for a wedding contribution to me and I'm not even irish !!)






we said no gifts at our wedding to try and avoid all this shit

[flipchart]

Jesus £85 quid between 7 of you and there's quibbling!
Tight fuckers!!

[ChanelNumber19]

silveroldie, I've found english and irish people to show equal amounts of generosity to the people they care about. The charade at the bar is often a pointless pantomime as there's an expectation that your drink will be paid for later. I am not as bad as your old acquaintance but I always opt out of rounds if I'm with a work crew (and as far as I know I'm not slagged off for doing this). Irish women often make a song and dance out of 'let me pay!', "no no no it's my turn", "No I insist, you paid for the PARKING", but between good friends, it all levels out in the end. So, it's a harmless pantomime in my opinion providing you don't have a friend like the betty's tea shop lady !!! and then people do quit the pantomime quickly enough! It takes two people and they both need to play their part for the pantomime to be successful and for everything to even out in the end! But you get one mean person and that person's friends and acquaintances won't play their part next time round.

So IN REAL TERMS at the end of the day as dublin taxi drivers would say, the english are just as generous in my opinion.

[ChanelNumber19]

I don't think I used the word pantomime enough there morto! are yiz scarleh for me

[silveroldie2]

There was a distinct lack of the word 'pantomime' ChanelNumber19. Tut, do try better next time

[EthicalPickle]

You are definitely doing it in a weird way

I think you should all do your own thing with the cash. It does seem like a small amount [small]. I hope it's a pay bar

Leaving one person to pay £15 seems very unfair.

I really, really don't get your reasoning that because you are a plus one you see it that your DP is paying £15 and you are paying £5.

[EthicalPickle]

It's true that wedding gifts are not 'tickets' but I agree with the PP who said I would take more than a £10's worth to a friends house if they invited me to a nice meal. I'd take a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine.