To be annoyed by my friend's attitude?

[LifesABeachApparently]

Apologies in advance for the hundredth wedding post!

So, we're going to a wedding soon. In total there are 7 of us, 5 are friends to the bride and groom and two of us are plus ones as partners to the invited. We're giving money as a gift (yes yes, I know, but this isn't a post about money vs gift). Anyway, we were working out how much money to give and we all decided £15 per person would be good but that the couples would each pay a little more (£20). So the 3 single invitees would each pay £15 and the two couples would pay £20 per couple.

It's important to note here that the 3 single friends aren't actually single, their OHs just can't make it to the wedding. Also, both myself and the other plus one aren't close friends of the B&G, I think they're lovely people but it's just that I've only met them twice before.

Just before sealing the envelope single friend A says she doesn't think it's fair she's paying £15 whereas me and my DP (and the other couple) are effectively paying £10 each, so she and single friend B decide to form a 'couple' and pay £20 together. Not only does this leave the third single friend C out it's also not really the point - the reason the couples are paying more is because there are 2 in a couple but the reason we're only paying a bit more is because we're only plus ones rather than life long school friends!

So... AIBU to be a bit upset at friend A?

[cerealqueen]

I didn't see the stingy comment - but if its not about the money, what is it about? She changed her mind, decided it was unfair.

[Caly2014]

None of your previous posts mentioned that you couldn't afford more, it came across that you didn't feel that you should be expected to contribute much because you don't know them well:

"It's just because I'm only a plus one, I felt a bit strange being expected to pay the same as everyone who was good friends with her."

If that is truly how you feel then don't expect there to be a glass of wine/ sausage roll for you at the party as after all you are only a plus one so why should they cater for you...

[Wantsunshine]

Why would couples get a discount. Totally ridiculous. Also if you are staying so where the couples will get a further discount as sharing a room. Why wouldn't you put in an extra fiver. You sound incredibly cheap and if you were single would no doubt be the first shouting how unfair this arrangement was.

[Foolishlady]

Jeez, I think I would rather buy some of gift rather than £20 as a couple...there's no getting round it that is stingy!

[Wadingthroughsoup]

Why on earth doesn't each individual/couple put in what they can afford/want to give? I find it really bizarre that there's an agreed 'tariff'. I could imagine asking friends how much they were planning to give, if I wanted reassurance, but I can't imagine discussing and making an agreement like this in a group. Am I missing something?

[LifesABeachApparently]

Like I've said, this isn't a gift vs money post. There was a gift as well (a photo albulm thing, some cheesy but cute mr&mrs things and we donated a load of bits and bobs to them as they're doing the wedding on a budget; bunting, table cloths, jugs, etc). We also wanted to give a bit of money as we know that the B&G would like a honeymoon.

[wafflyversatile]

Ah, yes I left that off my list, because it had been said, I think.

Everyone gives what they want.

I think it is out of order to say £15 or £20 is stingy. £15 is a massive whack to many people while the far more generous looking £100 might be proportionately much less to the person giving that.

[DitzyDonkey]

wheelersealer I was just coming on to say the same as you, what a bloody bargain. It's €150-€200 here in Ireland.

[wafflyversatile]

What would be miserly would be for everyone to agree to put in together for a joint present, decide to put in what each wanted then those who gave more be annoyed that it was put in as a joint present when each gave what they could afford which was not equal. That would be a stinginess of spirit.

[HaroldLloyd]

I don't understand why couples are only giving 10 each and single persons 15 each?

Seems odd to me. Surely every adult should give the same?

[wafflyversatile]

the couples save on hotel rooms, but need to buy 2 outfits, pay two train tickets, but save if driving 2 people in one car. You could go on for ever. But we have a more petrol hungry car. We have two kids to pay for. We earn less. We have a bigger mortgage. etc etc.

[Lucked]

I agree with Wading that it is unusual to have a group of 7 people who can only afford £10 - £15, if you are all giving what you can afford it should be different amounts.

If you must I think everyone puts in £15, you put £100 in the envelope with the spare £5 buying a token bottle of cava or prosecco.

[LifesABeachApparently]

Thanks for all your help guys! I'm off to bed now but I'll put your comments to DP in the morning and see what he says. I can't imagine he'll be bothered though (infuriatingly laid back is an understatement).

I definitely feel better for asking but I think it's back to lurking for me from now on!

[meganorks]

Surely the only reason to give a joint present is to club money together to buy something? If money is the present why don't each of you just give what you want/can afford?
But YABU - each individual should give the same.

[hmc]

Aww don't go back to lurking lifesabeach!

[Sixweekstowait]

Well I'd go the whole hog and do a means tested contribution. Decide on total amount you want to give, then take each persons net salary, deduct agreed living expenses, for example, it wouldn't be fair to deduct the mortgage costs per se because some people would be living in bigger houses than they strictly needed so you could do a sort of bedroom tax calculation. Then deduct food bills but again adjust for those shopping at Waitrose or Asda. I'm not sure that having children should come into the calculation because they are after all a lifestyle choice and school fees should certainly not be a deductible expense. Anyway when you've agreed on all that, you can then look at the total amount of available income and the amount you have decided to give and then proportion it out on a per capita basis. Does away with all this couples/singles rubbish and has the advantage of being really really simple

[NewtRipley]

I don't think the amount is stingy

If you could afford £40 you might spend that much on an individual present, but not everyone can afford that much. So clubbing together is a nice way to make the gesture and buy something more substantial

[NewtRipley]

Lifes

You know there's a middle way between lurking and starting Wedding threads, right?

[NewtRipley]

I disagree that if you are clubbing together you pay different amounts. That's the whole point of clubbing together. All for one and one for all

[RockinHippy]

YABU, totally daft & unfair way to organise it, your friend is right, she should be peed off with you, not you her

[mommy2ash]

each adult should have said the same amount. I don't understand why you are clubbing in to put money in an envelope I've only ever done that to buy a better gift.

I'm from Ireland where it is just the norm to give 150 to 200 euros so 75 between 7 adults does seem very stingy to me. if I didn't have much money to give I would prefer to find a present that looks like it cost more.

I spend that much on a child's birthday gift

[Irishmammybread]

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but Ditzy ,can I ask if the 150-200 euros gift is usual per person or per couple when attending an Irish wedding ?

[WeShouldOpenABar]

per couple irishmammy but I've pulled back on that seen as I see mist wedding invites as an invoice in the post

[Dickiewiddler]

I think each adult should pay the same! A PlusOne doesn't eat or drink less!

And £15 a pop? Save everyone some heartache and stay at home! Stingy doesn't cover it!

[wafflyversatile]

What do Irish people who don't have €150 do? Hide in a hole and never speak to anyone for fear they might be invited to a wedding? Is there a special Irish branch of wonga.com that gives out wedding guest loans?