To be annoyed by my friend's attitude?

[LifesABeachApparently]

Apologies in advance for the hundredth wedding post!

So, we're going to a wedding soon. In total there are 7 of us, 5 are friends to the bride and groom and two of us are plus ones as partners to the invited. We're giving money as a gift (yes yes, I know, but this isn't a post about money vs gift). Anyway, we were working out how much money to give and we all decided £15 per person would be good but that the couples would each pay a little more (£20). So the 3 single invitees would each pay £15 and the two couples would pay £20 per couple.

It's important to note here that the 3 single friends aren't actually single, their OHs just can't make it to the wedding. Also, both myself and the other plus one aren't close friends of the B&G, I think they're lovely people but it's just that I've only met them twice before.

Just before sealing the envelope single friend A says she doesn't think it's fair she's paying £15 whereas me and my DP (and the other couple) are effectively paying £10 each, so she and single friend B decide to form a 'couple' and pay £20 together. Not only does this leave the third single friend C out it's also not really the point - the reason the couples are paying more is because there are 2 in a couple but the reason we're only paying a bit more is because we're only plus ones rather than life long school friends!

So... AIBU to be a bit upset at friend A?

[Wellwellwell3holesintheground]

But you cannot be generous with what you haven't got.

I'm still traumatised from working in an office that did £5 secret Santa. I couldn't afford it. Everyone stopped talking to me.

[Wellwellwell3holesintheground]

That was to serenity.

[Serenitysutton]

There are people short on money everywhere, it's just it seems to be dealt with differently in different cultures.

That's sounds crap of your colleagues though :(

It's not really reciprocal though is it? We give £50-100 when we go to weddings, plenty of people in this country give that and more. Not everyone gives pocket money sized gifts

[mrssmith79]

So they're friends not workmates? The whole set-up is odd if you ask me. One solitary wedding card? And a whipround? Between 7 people? I've honestly never heard the likes.

[TheHouseatWhoCorner]

waffly has said what I was thinking. No-one should feel bad, nor inferior, depending on what size gift their family budget can afford.

Having recently got married, I'd be horrified to think a guest declined my invite because they couldn't afford a gift (although we clearly stated no gifts or cash on the invite).

[ApocalypseThen]

Good grief, £75 quid between 7 of you? That's a pretty rotten birthday present, let alone wedding present. I know that's not what you're asking though, but yes, you are being incredibly mean to your single friends and I think good for the one with the knickers to pull you up on it.

I think the difference in gifts between Irish and English weddings may be partly down to the day. I feel from here that people don't seem to think they should be paying for the cost of inviting them, whereas I think Irish people think that the package is probably €45-70 per head, which you pay, plus a bit on top for the gift so that bride and groom can pay it off and are left with something. But English weddings have a shorter day, and sometimes things like buffets so maybe it's not the same thing.

[lanbro]

I think the amount is stingy! We just went to an evening do and gave £30, so only £15 a head for a hog roast, cake and an evening of entertainment!

[Staryyeyedsurprise]

I'm boggled at the "standard" Irish gift of 200 euros (just realised I have no idea how to do the symbol)!!!

A poster said that if someone couldn't afford the gift they'd probably decline the invite...is that what the bride & groom would expect them to do?

Sorry for derail!

[kali110]

Im grateful my close friends have been grateful for £20 iv put in and shock horror nothing when i was a bridesmaid. Id suddenly lost my job and been declared unfit and surviving on £72 a week. My friend wanted me to be a bridemaid not a bloody present.
If my friends were thinking of declining coming to my wedding because they couldnt afford to give money, buy a present or only give a small amount i would be horrified! Id rather my friends there than money or presents! They're not there for you when you need them.

[temporarilyjerry]

I think each adult should pay the same! A PlusOne doesn't eat or drink less!

But it is money as a gift. They are not buying a ticket or paying for their own meal.

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

I grew up in an Irish family and I think it really does make you realise how tight and miserly British people often are tbh, especially when compared to a generous culture like the irish

That's a rather harsh, sweeping statement, Serenity!! It appears that most people on the thread (British included) think the amount offered by this conglomerate of guests is stingy in the extreme, and they're squabbling over £5.

Lifesabeach It was lovely that you have all been invited. The B&G could have not bothered to invite you. They will be forking out for an evening of merriment for you all, the least you can do is pay a decent amount towards a collection, and not count the "plus 1" as an aside. Amount given should be PER HEAD, not less for couples and more for singles. Grossly unfair.

I say again, you are being totally unreasonable.

Many, many years ago, when DP and I first got together, he was best man at a wedding and the couple invited me also. DP and I had only been dating for six weeks, and I had only recently moved to the area, so hardly knew them at all. I thought it was so lovely of them to invite me along at the last minute, really, thinking about how much planning a wedding needs.
Consequently, I went out of my way to buy them a gorgeous present (this was long before the advent of gift lists and requests for money or vouchers) because I thought they had been super-kind and welcoming.

Would it have been better for you all to have declined the invitation, seeing as how it's caused so much angst for everyone? If you're not particular friends, it may be better for the B&G - they may be relieved that they don't have to pay so much to entertain you all, it'll knock something off their hefty bill.

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

Kali - but if you were a bridesmaid, then you were quite clearly a close friend, so obviously the bride WANTED you to be there. She would have known your financial situation. The OP is saying they have been invited for the evening, and are not close friends. Totally different situation.

OP's point is that they want to pay less for a "couple" than each single person, which seems mean to me. I think if they are clubbing together, it should be a set amount per person.

[Serenitysutton]

Ovalevans it sounds harsher than I intended, lol. It is sow thing you notice when you sort of straddle 2 cultures though.

[echt]

I may be missing something here, but I'd never ever thought that an invitation to a wedding meant some commensurate present related to the cost.

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

Not necessarily commensurate, but if I were getting married and thought that some stingy so-and-so's were quibbling over who might pay £5 more or who can get away with paying as little as possible, I'd personally be inclined to uninvite them, as they would sound (to me)more like free-loaders than friends.

If they were very good friends and I knew their financial circumstances were dire, then obviously that would be completely different, and wouldn't bother me in the slightest if they brought nothing. I'd be delighted with their presence and for them to share the occasion.

If you're invited out to dinner, you take a bottle of wine and some flowers. That'll cost you £20.
To attend an evening wedding 'do', you'd offer a gift of suitable value. It's just good manners - isn't it?

This is a group of (I think) mere acquaintances, who have been happy to accept an invitation possibly offered out of politeness, but are squabbling over who can get away with paying the least amount towards a suitable and appropriate gift. I just think if it bothers you that much, decline the invitation.

[NewtRipley]

This vehicles reversing

There are as many people on here who don't think it's stingy.

Also, I bet a few people who say it's stingy would be grateful for any gift, if chosen carefully/given with love

[NewtRipley]

echt

Me either

All that is required of guests, in my opinion is to go and celebrate the marriage of someone they like/love. Call me old fashioned

[Happy36]

vvviola That sounds like a cool present!

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

This reminds me of those times where one goes out for a drink with friends who are in a couple who it becomes apparent think that the round-buying goes "your round - our round - your round - our round", i.e that the single person has to pay for half of all the drinks while each half of the couple only should only pay for a quarter of the drinks. Or like at a party when a single person brings a bottle of wine then a couple bring a bottle of wine between them. Always makes my blood boil!

The total spend of a group of people clubbing together for a present is not really the issue, as not everyone has a lot of money to begin with, but it's absolutely crazy that some people in that group would pay less because they're in a couple. So what?!

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

Ilkely - Exactly!

Newt - this "gift" not been chosen with love or thought. This is a group "donation", with all of them trying to outdo each other as to how little they can get away with.

Not the same thing at all, as a friend who would be most welcome at a wedding venue, with or without a gift.

[capsium]

I'd just shrug it off, up to them. Enjoy the wedding.

[allmycats]

Each person pays the same - no questions, no arguing.

If I was the bride and knew what was going on I would not invite any of you !!

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

So, OP: each of you (single or couple) buy your own card, include your own gift - dilemma solved.

[Happy36]

The couple/round thing is so annoying!

[Happy36]

p.s. that was in response to/agreement with Ilkley. (Beautiful place, I visited on Sunday!)