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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you're not a "step parent" when...

103 replies

ThistleDoMeNicely · 27/07/2014 12:39

You don't live with your partner?

Have never met the child you are apparently a step parent too?

You're never going to meet the child you are apparently a step parent too?

You've been with the childs father 5 minutes?

If all of the above are true and they still refer to the child as their step child is it just me that thinks they are delusional?

OP posts:

Original poster

ThistleDoMeNicely · 28/07/2014 11:34

Just logged into my Facebook for the first time in a week or so and friends request from the girlfriend! I've declined and blocked. Just why would you? Weird woman.

OP posts:

FlossyMoo · 28/07/2014 11:48

Oh god she's a strange one isn't she

Although I would have been tempted to accept just so I could send her a message asking what the hell she is up to.

Do you think your EX has come up with some cock & bull story as to why he doesn't see his child and she thinks your the reason?

Snatchoo · 28/07/2014 12:03

YANBU....but I still considered myself DSS' step mother even before DH and I were married? Why wouldn't I .

Also, I wouldn't consider my mum's partner (even if they got married) to be my step father. They got together when I was in my twenties! Same as mum didn't consider her father's new partner at the age of 70 her step mother!

Mammuzza · 28/07/2014 12:10

Blimey Thistle

Is your Facebook nice and secure ?

Cos she sounds like she is terribly over invested in a relationship that only exists in her own mind.

What you said above .... I don't know could be wrong.

It's looking rather like you might not be exactly far off the mark.

It'll probably die down soon enough. Becuase your lack of response doesn't offer a lot in terms of drama llama opportunities.

But to be on the extremely safe side, it would hurt to make a note of dates/events so far, so if at any point it goes beyond "oh you daft woman" you are ready with a log of the odd in order to place a little weight behind getting her to back off.

Doubt it'll come to that cos your ex might not be overjoyed if/when he discovers her tenticles wandering off into areas of his life that even he isn't involved in anymore, and does a heave ho.

But, given there is a little kid as the focus of her off kilter attentions, might be prudent to jot a few things down as they occur.

Mammuzza · 28/07/2014 12:12

edit ....it wouldn't hurt

Bogeyface · 28/07/2014 12:16

So her kids have grown up and she is asking lots of searching questions about yours? Keep your defences up, I smell a hostile take over bid. Dont be at all surprised if your ex suddenly decides he wants contact.

SisterMcKenzie · 28/07/2014 12:28

meh...

Your ex has new gf.
New gf is into new bf.
New gf want to know all about new bf.
New gf learns new bf has a child.
New bf doesnt see child.
New gf wants her new man to be good with children.
New bf makes up tails about the ex wife to hide the fact he's a useless cunt. Ex is bitch who blocks contact/has turned child against him etc.
New gf wants to believe this and goes on a mission..

Et voila

I have no doubt this born of the ex trying to paint himself in a good light and her wanting to believe him!

Original poster

ThistleDoMeNicely · 28/07/2014 15:31

Yes FB has everything on private. I wouldn't be surprised if he has made up some story featuring me as the evil bitch ex. Never fails to amaze me how many women fall for that hook line and sinker and never question why they haven't made attempts through legal channels if what they are saying is really true

OP posts:

Anewmeanewname · 28/07/2014 15:41

"My parents divorced and my father remarried. She was not my step-mother, she was my father's wife. I already had a mother and therefore had no need of another one."

Comments like this just sum up why it's so difficult to be a step-parent :(

Original poster

ThistleDoMeNicely · 28/07/2014 16:07

I think it's very difficult to be considered someone's "stepchild" when you don't want to be too though.

I don't get the labels myself. What's wrong with being "my dads/mums wife/husband". It's not derogatory it's what they are.

OP posts:

bluebell8782 · 28/07/2014 16:29

I do think it all depends on the age of the child as well. If you've joined a partner whose child is already a teenager/young adult, they won't necessarily need a stepmum/dad if they already have two close parents. A nice, close step relationship is a bonus but I can see why it would just be used as a 'title' to explain the relationship to someone else.

However, for example, in my situation, I have been married for 5 years and in my SD's life for 6 since she was around 5 years old. So in her eyes, I have pretty much always been there and when she is at home with us, I take on a 'mother-type' role. I don't pretend to be her mum, she doesn't call me mum and I don't want to be her mum, but because I am the adult female in the family that's just how it falls naturally. Someone explained it quite well a little while ago, it's like loving your child through a sound-proof glass - she's there, but not quite! But, I am happy with this and so is she. I don't think there is anything wrong with a 'bonus parent' role and as long as the child is comfortable with that then that is fine.

I'm not saying my way is right, as someone else said, it really, really does depend on each situation. How that person has come into the child's life, and how things fall naturally.

OP - She sounds odd. She's obviously been told something completely different to the truth and is on a mission to help her beloved..... poor thing....

TwinkleDust · 28/07/2014 16:30

In what way were the questions odd..? It might be sensible to log with 101, depending on just how inappropriate they were.

Original poster

ThistleDoMeNicely · 28/07/2014 23:40

Just quite personal questions that in no way she should be asking. Some questions were including things that are completely untrue for example asking when my boyfriend moved in, it's just myself and DD here and some which were geared towards something that had happened recently (medically related) which ExMil knows about and has obviously mentioned to ExH. Basically just things that are really none of her business.

OP posts:

Chiana · 29/07/2014 04:19

Sounds very unpleasant, Thistle. I agree with the poster up above who suggests you keep a log of the odd behaviour, just in case.

JeanSeberg · 29/07/2014 06:20

They had quite a long chat then, didn't they? I'm not sure why your friend didn't just cut her dead as soon as she realised something wasn't quite right.

Original poster

ThistleDoMeNicely · 29/07/2014 06:43

Not really Jean. That's exactly what
my friend did. She isn't stirring and isn't a gossip. She thinks the best in everyone and genuinely didn't realise until my hospital appointments were mentioned that something wasn't right

OP posts:

Mammuzza · 29/07/2014 09:04

I'm not sure why your friend didn't just cut her dead as soon as she realised something wasn't quite right.

Oh I understand the mate perfectly.

There you are, minding your own business, and out of the blue what appeared to be a perfectly normal encounter ... shoots off into the land of the odd.

It throws people. There is often a good sized goldfish impression/this does not compute bit until they can gather themself and beat a hasty retreat.

I used to watch late MIL have that effect on people regularly and often.

I think the only people who can wheel right and march off the second things stop being perfectly reasonable and normal are those who are pretty used to seemingly innocuous conversations entering the twilight zone.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 29/07/2014 09:24

OP - it seems the conversation was about you rather than the children. My friend is in a similar situation where her abusive ex is now in a relationship with someone else. The new girlfriend can't believe that my friend isn't torn up with jealousy about "losing" her ex. He's obviously doing what he did to my friend and wooing her, reeling her in etc and she genuinely can't see why my friend isn't devastated. She's also being fed lies about my friend - laughably that she's a drug addict - and you can tell she's trying to have this information confirmed by other sources and is blatantly trying to question people who know my friend.

Maybe your ex's gf is also having the scales lifted from her eyes and doubting what she has been told?

WakeyCakey45 · 29/07/2014 09:45

I'm sure most unmarried "stepparents" would prefer it if they weren't considered as such - but unfortunately, the legislation in the UK places a financial responsibility on a "stepparent" of resident (and sometimes non-resident) DCs, regardless of marital status.

An unmarried stepparent must declare their income alongside the resident parent for purposes of child benefit, tax credits, Education bursaries and student grants. Even when the stepchild is living at university, and is old enough to marry and vote, the "stepparent" must still provide financial information to the relevant departments in order to ensure that their stepchild receives the grant the are entitled to.

I appreciate it's not relevant to this particular thread, but I so often read people attributing stepparent status only to the sanctity of marriage, yet the reality is that responsibility is expected whether or not marriage has taken place.

basgetti · 29/07/2014 09:51

Similarly an unmarried stepparent who is also an NRP can have their maintenance liability significantly reduced due to the stepchildren they are now living with.

WakeyCakey45 · 29/07/2014 09:58

Similarly an unmarried stepparent who is also an NRP can have their maintenance liability significantly reduced due to the stepchildren they are now living with.

Is it considered a criminal offence if NRP's don't inform the CSA/CMS of resident children? I know a lot of parents who haven't

basgetti · 29/07/2014 10:02

No but plenty do and the option is there if they want to take it, regardless of the impact it has on the RP and their own children.

Original poster

ThistleDoMeNicely · 29/07/2014 10:40

it seems the conversation was about you rather than the children

Some was some wasn't. She was wondering who had looked after DD while I was in hospital. The entire conversation just seemed to be really bizarre and majority one sided. My friend described it like she was trying to get in as much info as she possibly could as if to prove that she was in the know but did trip herself up by only being aware of some of the fact and in some instances getting information completely wrong.

I felt sorry for my poor friend, she was so upset when she thought she had maybe said something she shouldn't have but in actual fact I think she just stared on a bit dumbstruck at what was going on. And there is really no "dirt" in my life. Although I'd rather certain things weren't discussed because they are private and personal it isn't anything that negatively impact my character in anyway.

OP posts:

TwinkleDust · 29/07/2014 15:55

If you have a reasonable relationship with exMiL, then I'd be inclined to mention to her 'a bizarre conversation' your friend had 'with a strange woman claiming to be the children's stepmother'.

TwinkleDust · 29/07/2014 15:56

and that you are wondering if you should report it to the police ... ;-)

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