To think you're not a "step parent" when...

[ThistleDoMeNicely]

You don't live with your partner?

Have never met the child you are apparently a step parent too?

You're never going to meet the child you are apparently a step parent too?

You've been with the childs father 5 minutes?

If all of the above are true and they still refer to the child as their step child is it just me that thinks they are delusional?

To be honest, I think some of the heat provoked could be avoided if there were a tighter definition of the modern day use of "step parent".

There was a time when the step parent was taking over the parental usually cos a parental death involved, thus leaving a role to be filled day to day by another.

That is not the case so much these days.

The use of mother/father speaks of connection/commitment to the child. Not another adult. Be it biological, adoptive or foster, if you are assigned a form of mother/father title, you are biologically connected and/or legally committed to the child for as long as you hold the title.

So I think it would make much more sense to restrict the use of "step-mother/father" to those who are legally committed via parental responsibility to the children themselves. Becuase there is a world of difference between committing to an adult (via marriage) who happens to have kids and legally committing yourself to the children themselves.

It would help clearly outline the boundries where one does/doesn't have rights/obligations regarding other people's children.

Basically it would make mother/father of any variety a protected title and halt a good deal of the bad press associated with the "step" version of it. Which in turn could well help the "step" bit rid itself of it's crappier PR over time.

I'm having the same issue at the moment.

Stbxh and I split a few months ago. He recently started dating someone, at around the same time he decided seeing our children wasn't in his anyones best interests.

I am told that his new 'girlfriend' is referring to herself as Stepmum and sharing pictures of 'her babies' on facebook, despite never having met them.

I find it laughable actually, I don't have to tell the world at large how much I love my kids because they already know it and I'm not Peter Andre stbxh and his girlfriend can go ahead and do/say what they like on social media or to mutual friends, I'll get on with the actual parenting and reap the rewards from that, which are far better than a few 'likes' on fb.

"And I'm not Peter Andre"

Some people just enjoy the novelty of being a mummy without actually being one.

I have seen it in RL and on NMs (in particular).

Its the Jeremy Kyle thing. Every encounter is a 'relationship'

I remember some utter twat on NM going on about her stepDD and what a terrible person her mum was and how her and her OH were going to go for custody.
She was 18 and had been with the bloke for 6 weeks.

I was but clearly in the minority because I got my arse flamed for suggesting she back off a bit.

Restricting it to people with PR would restrict it to almost no-one. My understanding of PR was that both parents had to agree to it, which I doubt would happen in most situations.

I think most people have the wit to understand that being a step-parent takes more involvement than being married to someone with children.

Callme I think that right comes from the biological parent permitting the step to have the right to give consent. There's no automatic rights under Scots Law on marrying a person with children.

Under Scots Law a step-parent would have to apply to court for parental responsibility.

It's a useful shorthand to explain the situation, like using DP even though you don't live together. My dp and I don't want to uproot the DCs and force them to move schools, so we won't be able to live together for at least 10 years when the youngest is grown up. However, we are 'partners' in every way and far more so than I ever was with XH.

Similarly the step-parent label is not one I would necessarily use for myself, but our DCs refer to each other as step-sisters and have done from early on. My dd definitely sees dp as her step-dad, although my DSs wouldn't say so. DP's dd said to me the other day "you're kind of like my step mum aren't you?" And I wasn't sure how to answer it! I sort of stumbles along the lines of being another adult who looks after her and that while her mum is always going to be her mum, I'm a bit like an extra parent when she's here with me.

It's awkward to define and I don't think that these days marriage and living together necessarily make the difference, as plenty of people choose not to do either of those things and still have a guiding parental relationship with the children of their BF/DP.

However, in this situation the woman is deluded and unhinged, so it's irrelevant.

Restricting it to people with PR would restrict it to almost no-one. My understanding of PR was that both parents had to agree to it, which I doubt would happen in most situations.

That is the situation in Scotland. A "step-parent" will not have any legal rights over step-children unless a court gives parental responsibility.

I can see my exh's wife calling herself my dds stepmum. She has met her once and that was about 7 or 8 yrs ago. She probably doesnt even know when my dds birthday is never mind being a parent to her. Some people just use it as an attention seeking tool. To show others how 'wondeful' they are.

Legally and in terms of proper English only if they are married. If they are living in sin they will never be a step parent.

YANBU. I wouldn't count anyone a step child unless one of their parents was married to the child's parent. That's what I was led to believe was the definition of step parent. Somebody who was married to one of your parents.

Jane, step-parents have no legal standing in England (or at least that's what I thought).

Um that didn't make sense. It's the heat!

I met my DSF when I was twenty - my father had been dead four years. Of course he was not a stepfather to me in any real sense, although I became close to him and remained close in the six years after my mother died and before he died.

We used "stepfather" and "stepson" as verbal shorthand, and no more than that.

Do you think she wants your Ex to resume a relationship with your DC?

YANBU and the new girlfriend sounds positively unhinged.

To add to your list of "not step-mums" I give you the live in partner of a man who never visits his children, who never phones his children, whose children never get invited to visit him.

Your not a stepmother, love. You're the girlfriend of a feckless, knobheaded spunkbubble. That's all.

• You're not a stepmother, love. Not "your not".

YANBU.

I know so many people that like to inflate their own importance by doing this sort of thing they usually tend to be the ones who refer to the mother as a birth mother

they usually tend to be the ones who refer to the mother as a birth mother

Totally forgotten until I read this but I know someone who used to do that. She had an affair with a MM and when he left his wife (eventually) when she got PG, she decided she wanted his son too. She would refer to the childs mum as the birth mother, and the child as "our son" or "my little boy". A year after her baby was born and she was pushing her "D"P to go for full custody, he went back to his wife (I dont know why she had him back either!).

She then had to hand over her child EOW for access, which he would spend with the very family she had tried to steal. What goes around comes around, especially if you marry/get pregnant by a complete arsehole.

Restricting it to people with PR would restrict it to almost no-one. My understanding of PR was that both parents had to agree to it

Not since 2002.

You can apply to the courts for PR or a residency order that confers PR .. as the spouse/civil partner of one of the parents with PR.

As I understand it, having it granted depends on individual circumstances and in the case of an older child, their wishes.

I am of the opinion that with the commitment of parental relationships less clearly defined and less durable than they used to be, it would be to the benefit of children...

-in terms of knowing who would be responsible for them in a parental role, no matter what shit hit the fan

-in terms of knowing who has right of parental access/authority over them

-in terms avoiding unnecessary hot spots of tension between parents post spilt

-in terms of clear and well defined boundries when it comes to the various adults in their lives.

... if we ditched step parent as a socially sanctioned curtesy title for anybody who happens to currently attached to a parent romatically, and instead made it a clearly defined legal title in the same way say adoptive/biological/foster parent is.

I am not a fan of "faux familial" titles being employed for the sake of adult preferences. Clear cut boundries are good. I remember my mum's cousins talking of the insidious nature of being being required to call their mother's merry go round of fancy men "uncle". It made things nicer for the adults. But it led to significant issues from the kids' perspective.

I think that might be an even greater risk where PREFIX mum/dad is not clearly defined, carefully rationed and socially sanctioned only when it conforms to fairly stringent standards that pertain to legal comitments made to the actual children at the sharp end. Legal commitments that last until they reach the age majority, regardless of which adult romantic partnerships last the course, or not.

The thing is from a 18 year old I'd probably just think "ah love, you're young and daft" but this woman is in her 40s and has 2 kids albeit they are around my age so not little one's but even still it's just weird.

I wonder if she thinks that it makes their relationship seem more important in some way? Maybe a bit insecure that her boyfriend has been married (she hasn't) and has a child and feels the need to include herself in that dynamic. I don't know could be wrong.

Jane, step-parents have no legal standing in England (or at least that's what I thought)

That's certainly the case in Scotland although they can apply to the court for parental responsibility. They might not get it of course.

The definition of step parent is someone married to your mother/father after your parents' relationship has ended. It's that simple. You either are or aren't a step parent, it isn't dependent on choice or how well you get on with people or even if you like them or not.

DH has been in DS 1's life for 24 years. (DS1 is 28). His biological father parachuted out of the relationship when DS1 was 6. I can count on the fingers of one hand the times that DH has referred to himself as DS1's stepfather. Whenever he has done it, it has made both of us feel very strange. I have never heard DS1 use the word. He calls DH "dad" or by his first name.

I agree with the poster up thread who suggested it is more appropriately used in the context of a child whose parent has died.