To ask about people who self harm?

[newsecretidentity]

I know a few people who self harm to one extent or another. One particular person, who I am relatively close to, has recently escalated the self harm (cutting, punching, bruising and flogging) and is struggling to get appropriate support from the MH crisis team. I don't really know much about self harm, but it does indicate to me that a person is in a vulnerable mental state.

This person is someone who works in a caring role, and who would also often spend time with me & dc every fortnight or so.

AIBU to be concerned about whether the person is ok to go to work caring for a vulnerable person with this intense level of self harm going on at home?

And AIBU to wonder whether it's a good idea for them to come and visit when DC are around? (DC are at an age where they will notice wounds and ask about them, and generally pick up if a person is behaving differently to usual.)

I don't want to panic and isolate the person unnecessarily, but I'm also concerned about whether the person is ok to "carry on as normal" with this stuff going on in the background.

my dd is a self harmer we try to keep the routine as close to normal as possible treating it as a communicable disease only increases the stress and isolation of it all hth xx

Why not? She's not hurting anyone else I presume only herself?

What are you worried about? do you think she'd do it in front of your DCs or the people she cares for? That's very unlikely, but if she does that then she's out of order and can't be around them.

But if she does it in the privacy of her own home, then she's not a risk to anyone and shouldn't be isolated because of it at all.

This is not going to end well. If you have a serious question about self harm then I suggest you pop over to the mental health boards as AIBU is not the place for this. If however you are just being goady then by all means carry on here.

No, I'm not trying to goad anyone, and I asked here because I'm generally concerned.

It's a colleague I'm thinking about. We work in what can be a challenging and high stress setting, and this person seems to be in crisis, expressing rage and anguish that can't be released except through increasing levels of self harm.

I do know other people who self harm on a frequent basis and it has no impact on their daily life.

But the intensity of this person is scaring me. I don't think they would self harm in front of anyone else. But I do worry that the rage could spill over when faced with naughty children or a challenging client.

Yabu.

You can't judge her complex mental health from her level of self harm. Clearly she is not that well at the moment but a lot of people who self harm function just as well as anyone else.

I think if she is showing her open wounds to people (you said your children would notice them) so I assume she does? Then that may indicate she is really "crying out for help" as most people are pretty secretive about their self harm. But does this mean she is somehow a danger to vulnerable people and children? No, no more than the rest of the population!

I find your post a bit discriminatory.

not sure why it 'wont end well'

self harm is often a coping mechanism - so in a weird way it shows she's dealing with stress although not in a 'healthy' way. I doubt very much she is a risk to anyone except herself - probably from accidental injury rather than intent - self harm is rarely about suicide

Maybe try talking to her - but yes - normal is the way to go

TBH, I find it difficult to be around this person right now. I'll get a surprising angry response to something I said that feels innocuous at the time. I feel on eggshells in case somebody says something wrong.

And what do I say to my kids when they ask about all these angry wounds?

How do you know her self harm is her expressing rage? If it is then she is taking it out on herself, why do you then assume she would abuse vulnerable people?

I agree that this probably won't end well, you seem quite judgemental and ignorant about mental health issues.

I self harmed when I was younger and was a nanny for 4 young children, their mum knew I did it and was very supportive. I would never, ever have ever mistreated those children and yes they did push me to tears with their behaviour but I had a cry in the loo. I didn't turn violent. Violence towards oneself is one thing, to direct it at others is something else entirely.

I'll probably get crucified on here for this, but, I do wonder how much self harm exists because it has had quite a lot of attention over the last decade.

It's a complex one for sure.

If they are very young you could lie, if they are older use it as an opportunity to educate them.

shareacokewithnoone It has definitely increased because of a wider awareness of it, especially in teens. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting attention when your hurting. That is what humans do. Some just do it in more destructive ways.

What you're really asking is whether she's safe around your kids aren't you OP?

However if she's getting short tempered with her workmates then I would have a chat with my boss but I wouldn't mention the self harming. Self harming rarely extends to others.

StarShank: Yes, the wounds are visible, all the way up the arms. They aren't usually covered. I know it's a cry for help, as are all the screaming facebook posts that accompany them.

It's not that I think the person is a danger to anyone else. Sorry if I didn't make that clear. They might shout or upset someone, but I don't envision them physically hurting anybody.

It's more that with this level of intensity I don't know if they're well enough to be at work. Last autumn there was a similar chain of events which ended in attempted suicide and a stay in hospital. I feel like work need to be making arrangements to support this person and arrange for backup if needed.

I havent actually self harmed but thought about it very seriously last year when I was in severe emotional pain. I thought the pain was going to kill me and couldnt see a way it would end. Outwardly I was holding down a job and relationships and seemed perfectly functional. I had no thoughts whatsoever of harming or scaring other people.

I told my therapist and my partner about my thoughts and it was a very scary and horrible thing. I got no kick out of it and was not doing it to follow a fashion or whatever you are suggesting shareacoke.

Yeah share a coke- do wonder.

I have personal and professional knowledge of what you are talking about op. Are you concerned over and above the self harming, with that as the key outward indicator, about your colleague's fitness to practice?

You could talk to them about your worries and your line manager, as you feel appropriate.

Reflecting on the information in your post, I think a genuinely empathetic and compassionate approach towards this person will be most helpful to them.

Shareacoke, I do think it is now an available condition in that sense, so I would agree with you.

The reason I know that the self harm is a way of expressing rage is because that's what the person told me. They're expressing a huge amount of rage with the world, and envisioning punching people, etc.

I'm not worried that the person would be safe around my kids. They would never physically hurt my kids.

I'm worried about allowing that amount of rage and pain into my children's environment. I'm not sure I can cope with it, let alone my kids.

Then you need to speak to your boss.

Well, if she shouted and got angry at a client that could easily be seen as verbal abuse.

Anyway, it does sound like extra support from work would be a good idea right now.... But what can you do about that? (genuine question :))

heraldgerald Yes, exactly as you put it. I'm concerned about whether they're ok to be at work, and the self harm is a symptom of the overall picture.

I do try to be empathetic. But if the angry behaviour reaches a point where it's hurtful to me, I also feel like it's important to put a boundary there.

As in, "I care about you, but when you do X I feel hurt and I feel like I need to come away until things are more calm."

But to answer the question - I think you would be unreasonable to say anything, as unless she is hurting anyone, it isn't fair to bring her personal life into her working life. I know I wouldn't like it.

However, if there are gaping wounds on display YANBU to feel uncomfortable about your children seeing them but YABU if it's a few scratches.

What is occurring to me though is you just don't seem to like her, which is fine, but in that case, the self harm doesn't need bringing into it really.

If work were aware, they could arrange backup for them on their shifts. That way, if they feel unable to cope at work, someone else can step in wherever needed so that the person could have a break.

Also, we have a supervisor / counsellor who would be made available to him as well.

Well you wouldn't want someone around who was expressing that rage towards someone else so why is it ok to have them around when it's the same rage just they are taking it out on themselves. Why is it not ok to take your rage out on your spouse but ok to do it to yourself. I would see both people in a similar way just one is expressing it inwards and the other outwards. Neither is healthy and bit need help.

90% of the time, I like the person. I care about them, they're a great mate and part of the team. So when they get like this, it hurts.

When they're in crisis, I really don't know how to cope with them. The things I say in an effort to be supportive provoke an angry response. I don't know how often I can get a phonecall from the hospital when they've tried to kill themself, and are so angry with the world.

rockandahardplace

Who has said it is OK to self harm? But while we are here why is it not OK how adults choose to cope with life? It's not healthy or adaptive obviously but I don't think you can say it is not OK. It's a very powerful coping mechanism for some people.