To feel like my friendship cannot withstand this

[Tassel]

I have a wonderful dd aged 3. Since her birth I have had 3 years of infertility. 4 miscarriages and rounds of interventions. I'm the wrong side of 40 and the specialist has pretty much said its age. I therefore don't see that we will ever have that desperately longed for sibling for my wonderful dd. I am so very sad. Always. It has ruined my life and I can't get over it. I just can't accept it and I know it will affect me for the rest of my life. My dh is so understanding but I know I am ruining his life too.

my best friend who is a satm has 3 young children. The month after I last miscarried she did ivf and is now pregnant with her fourth child. I am devastated. All I want is a sibling for my dd and I feel so resentful. So utterly bitter. How can I overcome this and be a good friend when all the reminders of what I can't have will start to get more obvious and in 7 months time she will have a 4th baby. My little girl will never have anyone. If there was ever a child who is not suited to being an only child it's her. I can't bring myself to ring my friend. I don't know how to engage in conversation without wanting to blubber down the phone and tell her I am so angry, jealous, self piteous ungrateful and that it's just not fair. I know that she is feeling so bad although she has no reason to. She is a wonderful friend in every way. And it's not her fault ! How can this not change our friendship. What do I do ?

Your situation is similar to mine...my daughter is always asking why she does not have a brother or sister. After many years we have now had to accept...I will always be a little sad - a few years have helped ease the overwhelming sadness levels- but am focussing on the wonderful person who is my daughter.

Please try not to be bitter towards your friend, I am sure she would be devastated if she knew. I am expending my energy knowing how I have time to spend with my child- doing fun things, reading together, explaining stuff, baking....all because I don't have 2 demanding attention.

I wish I hsd some decent advice

but I understand I thinkhow you feel
my middle child died after he was born on the the ssme day

and ivd been vvv lucky to have another child
something s in life we never get over

I think she sounds like s great friend worth hanging on to.

She will already know it's difficult for you
her being pregnant
And hopefully she will bese sensitive towards you and not go on and on about it too much

I wish you luck
and I sti hope another baby will happen foryou and things get easier I time,

Yikes.

Well, for starters, only children grow up to be very happy and well adjusted. She will pick her own friends to be her surrogate brothers and sisters. Even if you did have a kid, there's no guarantee they would even get along. Look at all the threads with PITA siblings. You daughter will not miss what she doesn't know. So try not to worry about your daughter, she will be just fine.

As for your friend. I don't have any good advice. This is bringing up a lot of emotions for you and it might be best for both of you to keep your distance. In the mean time, maybe see your GP for depression to help you cope better.

I know that it's easy to say, but I think you should count your blessings. You have a beautiful, healthy child. Some women don't get to have one, let alone more.

I'm 36 and an only child, my father was ill after I was born and my parents weren't able to have more children. I love it. I am so close to my parents, and had incredible relationships with my grandparents. I didn't have any cousins, but had, and still have, amazing friends who are my family.
I'm pregnant and have only ever imagined having one child, as my upbringing was so wonderful. I never, ever yearned for a sibling - you don't know what you've never had. I intend to bud my own family/ village around my child so that they have the same love in their life that I had.
Look at your child and realise how incredibly lucky you are x

This is to sound harsh but you are going to ruin your only child's life if you take the view that it has ruined your life and your partners. You are incredibly lucky, you have a wonderful, unique and healthy daughter- celebrate that and enjoy her childhood.
I have been there in a different way. I had one baby when my DH died and I had to watch my friends go on and produce siblings- and be pleased for them.
Your child is little more than a baby- she will be suited to being an only child if you see it in a positive light and keep your friends and make sure she socialised with their children. I used to take my 'only' away with a friend with 4 children and another with 2 children and they used to have a great time playing together.
You can't do anything about it, unless you think of adoption, so stop letting it poison your life- and more importantly the life of your child. Three year olds get their ideas from their parents- make sure your DD gets the positives of being an only child from you. There are many positives.

I would try your GP - it sounds as if you need help for depression which is not surprising after all you have been through. You may need counselling to help you come to terms with it.

I think you are grieving for the life you wanted at the m

I'm sorry about your losses. But I am confused about what makes your child "unsuited" to being an only child. Are you sure that's her talking and not you? You are in danger of projecting your perceived failing (not actually a failing at all!) onto your family. Your little girl needs to know she is valued for being herself rather than being only part of a complete family.

Sorry-this is a very emotive subject for me. I am an only child for similar reasons to your little girl. I never felt anything other than extreme love from my teeny tiny family. I would really hate to have siblings. I love being an only child and always have done. I have few fantastic friends who are like siblings (except I got to choose them) and a multitude of social outing friends. Perhaps I am a little socially quirky for being an only child but my husband is a middle child and he's very much like me so who's to say it makes much difference?

It sounds like an awful situation to be in with your friend. Be honest with her and tell her you love her but you are finding it very had to digest her news.

Maybe ask that she gives you some space or that you don't chat about baby stuff for a while until it sinks in a bit more.

Have you looked into counselling? I honestly don't want this to sound harsh but please, please make sure your DD knows she is 'enough'. It would be very hard for her growing up knowing you felt your your life was ruined because you never got a second child. I can tell you this from experience by the way. These are feelings that you never fully get past.

You have been very lucky to have your wonderful DD.

I think you would benefit from some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to help you think differently about your situation. Maybe ask your GP for a referral.

at the moment.

Your friend is probably very aware of how you feel. When you feel less raw maybe a rough and tumble family of four would be the perfect place for your daughter to find some sibling like friends?

I agree with Egghead. I found CBT very helpful when went though a rough patch years ago. For different reasons I always felt I was never enough for my mother and it lead me to pretty tough times. Please do try and get some help before your anxiety affects your daughter.

I am very sorry to hear about your infertility issues and I do hope you can maintain your friendship with your friend (CBT will help this too) - she sounds lovely.

I know it's hard but you need to stop focusing on what you haven't got and focus on what you have. You have a lovely, healthy daughter. I don't have any biological children. It used to eat me up with jealousy when people I knew got pregnant when it wasn't happening to me, but it's not their fault.

In the end I did something about it instead of wallowing in self pity. I became a foster parent and now have 2 lovely little boys living with me. Although I would still love to get pregnant, I no longer feel jealous of others as I do now have children in my life.

Could you think about fostering or adoption? Most councils recommend that any biological children are the oldest by 2 years, so you would be able to have a baby placed with you.

But if you decide not to do that, try to look at the positives of having one child. I must admit that I prefer to go to busy places with the boys when my husband is off work, as it's stressful trying to watch 2 children all the time! Yesterday for example we went to a funfair and the boys were limited to choosing a certain amount of rides each. Of course they wanted to go on different rides so my husband went with one and I went with the other. Simple and stress free, but it would have been different if I had been on my own! Having one child would be much easier in situations like that!

There are several people in my family who are or were only children and they're lovely people so it honestly doesn't have to affect people in a negative way. Plus there are things you can do as your daughter gets older such as letting her ask a friend to come along on trips out.

I think you have to choose actively to not allow this to ruin your friendship. I think I would say that I am of course happy for her but can't help feeling jealous and upset because it isn't going to happen for me. She may then be sensitive when discussing her pregnancy with you. I would also say count your blessings. I have two dc will never communicate with one another, play with one another as they are both severely autistic. You have a healthy daughter. Be grateful for that and enjoy it.

It sounds like your friend has been very sensitive about it so I can't see why the friendship would fail. If she was gloating and rubbing it in, I could understand. You do have to work on overcoming your feelings that your life is ruined - I am sure many women with four children might feel the same sometimes!

Ahh OP I recognise some of what you are feeling. Ive been trying to conceive No. 2 for a couple of years after my last pregnancy ended with TFMR. I sometimes feel like the sadness will be with me forever.

The whole thing has strained some of my friendships, in so far as Ive found out who the real ones are and my circle has shrunk - this isnt actually a bad thing. One of my friends has just got pregnant with her third and while a bit of me did think 'come on 3?!' its really helped that she has been thoughtful of my feelings and I think Ive managed to keep a lid on it. I would hate for her to feel awkward just for getting on with her life. Does your friend realise how awful you feel?

I do think infertility and pregnancy loss are mentally very hard and I know I have a shed load of issues relating to it. I usually managed to enjoy my dc for most of the month but then have at least one hormone related crash every month where I'll just let it out and have a good cry - have you had any counselling, I know it wont change the facts, but might help with how you cope with it? (must say I haven't tried myself!) I don't really have any great answers about how to deal with it as I feel like its something Im working on all the time, but wanted you to know you are not the only one who struggles with this.

Sounds to me like you'd benefit from seeing the positives in your situation.

Your DD with have many benefits from being an only child. I'm an only child and my DD is one. Many of my friends resented their siblings and don't keep in touch as adults.

So many of my DD's friends never reciprocate on sleepovers because thy don't have the space, can't afford to do days out and luxuries etc, or are from divorced parents so simply aren't about at weekends as they go to stay with the other parent.

I can't think of anything in life where there are no negatives to a situation and only positives.

Hi OP, I just wanted to second what everyone else has said here. A lot of people automatically assume that siblings will have a special bond. I never did with mine and we have a very small age gap. In my family there are a few other sets of siblings with the same age gaps and even into adulthood they have very complex relationships. My dh is an only yet to me he had a happier and more balanced childhood than I did. I'm currently pg with my first who took a very long time to conceive and I'm already thinking she'll be fine on her own.

I have one sibling by blood and 5 step siblings and I feel I've spent my life in competition with them for everything and still do. I know it's not the same for everyone I am just trying to give you a different way of looking at it.

I also sort of know how you feel about your friend. I had a close set of friends when we were ttc. They all conceived years before I did and I couldn't cope with it so I avoided them, granted they weren't at all supportive or sensitive to my situation but I've not been able to share my pregnancy with them because we became so distant so try and hold on to the friendship if she understands your situation.

I hope it all works out for you.

If you can't come to terms with only having one child then please seek some professional help. Your GP would be a good start.
Life is literally full of things that we won't have. I will never have a fancy house or a Caribbean holiday or stay in a Mayfair hotel. I will never have big breasts or long legs. I will never have the big family of children I planned. If you focus all your energy on what you don't have you will never be happy. Instead, focus on what you do have, which I'm betting is a lot of things that other people covet, not least a beautiful DD. Coveting things we can't have is a recipe for misery and so if you can't snap yourself out of it please seek help.

You won't always feel like this. You are grieving for a different outcome. And it is your grief, not your daughters, as I do think only children are just as happy (happier?)

I understand completely the horrible, eat you up, envy. My sister had her fifth when we found out we had infertility and my 2 best friends were pregnant.

I told them how I felt. I was honest and said I was struggling so much. That I was jealous and they all completely understood. It was the only way I could cope and handle the friendships.

I think I would say to your friend how you feel right now, that you value the friendship but you need space whilst you come to terms with what you have been through.....

FWIW I think your reaction is not depression but a totally normal response to such a hard time let yourself grieve. And enjoy your beautiful daughter.

When we DS1 was stillborn, I hated seeing/hearing about anyone else's pregnancy. There was a phrase that started to turn around how I felt. You're happy for them, but sad for you.

One of my newer friends has one DD who s about 17. Just after we met, over lots of wine, she told me they had wanted lots of children, but it hadn't happened....a series of miscarriages was what she'd had, much as you described.

The DD is bright with 2 loving parents who welcome all her friends into the house...it may have been a dark time for them, but certainly it didn't ruin their lives.

I think you need help to recover so e perspective.

Another "cruel to be kind" one...

You have a beautiful daughter, you are a mum. You must appreciate what you have. The last thing you want to happen, I'm sure, is for your daughter to feel like an utter failure because she was never 'quite enough' for her mum, that would be the true tragedy here. Focus on showing your daughter how to socialise with others but how to really appreciate the time with you at home. You can still be sad, but separate this issue with your daughter. Only children are not at a disadvantage, I don't think it makes a difference, but if you are worried you need to show her how to make friends. As a PP pointed out - a close family of 4 might be a lovely support network for you and your DD.

Secondly, stop blaming your friend. Her pregnancy has nothing to do with your loss and your friendship won't survive if you actively let this destroy it, which you seem to be doing. As someone who has lost a friend from a similar issue I know how this feels from the other side. Unpleasant. Your friend, if she's a true friend, will feel just as devastated for you. Your friend won't want to be the reason you feel bad - you have to talk to her so she understands. If you communicate that you need some space/time/anything , then she can help you. In a few years, when you feel less raw, you don't want to be grieving over a close friend who you lost. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but you won't be able to repair the friendship if you continue to be angry at her.

Go it the GP, tell them you are struggling and get some support with coping mechanisms. You haven't done anything wrong and you don't deserve to feel this bad, although it is understandable that you feel so devastated. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, go through the grieving process and give yourself whatever you need to get through it. Tell trusted friends so they know, they will all be waiting when you come out of the other side.

I'm an only child & am struggling to see the issue tbh. I have three children & as far as I can see having siblings is a mixture of pros & cons - same as being an only.

I have a severely disabled child, at times I've found it hard to be around children in the same age but had to get over it/learn to deal with it. Letting your life get eaten up by bitterness to the point of losing friendships because you don't have everything you want is no way to live a life. You get one life, & really you have to live it from the point of view if counting your blessings & recognise there will be people out there desperate for everything you have. You must also realise that if you did have another child it wouldn't automatically lead to instant happiness - siblings are people who come with their own random set of issues & concerns & difficulties.

While I can understand it's difficult to be in close proximity to someone who has what you desperately want YABU - & I would really recommend counselling of some sort before you destroy your life (& your child's) with bitterness.