To feel like my friendship cannot withstand this

[Tassel]

I have a wonderful dd aged 3. Since her birth I have had 3 years of infertility. 4 miscarriages and rounds of interventions. I'm the wrong side of 40 and the specialist has pretty much said its age. I therefore don't see that we will ever have that desperately longed for sibling for my wonderful dd. I am so very sad. Always. It has ruined my life and I can't get over it. I just can't accept it and I know it will affect me for the rest of my life. My dh is so understanding but I know I am ruining his life too.

my best friend who is a satm has 3 young children. The month after I last miscarried she did ivf and is now pregnant with her fourth child. I am devastated. All I want is a sibling for my dd and I feel so resentful. So utterly bitter. How can I overcome this and be a good friend when all the reminders of what I can't have will start to get more obvious and in 7 months time she will have a 4th baby. My little girl will never have anyone. If there was ever a child who is not suited to being an only child it's her. I can't bring myself to ring my friend. I don't know how to engage in conversation without wanting to blubber down the phone and tell her I am so angry, jealous, self piteous ungrateful and that it's just not fair. I know that she is feeling so bad although she has no reason to. She is a wonderful friend in every way. And it's not her fault ! How can this not change our friendship. What do I do ?

You need to find a way past this. There is no such thing as a child who is not meant to be an only child, this is you projecting your own feelings, no good can come of it.

I tried for another baby for six years and never conceived. My ds is eleven now and wouldn't want a sibling. In fact his dad's gf has a dd and he doesn't like it at all.

Be grateful for what you have, or that too will pass you by.

You are in danger of destroying what you have.

Don't assume a sibling for your daughter will be idyllic. I have two kids and they don't particularly like each other.

My sister and I dind't get along as children and now we don't even send each other birthday cards.

Yo uare guessing that a sibling would be wonderful, but your DD may be happier as things stand.
You are eating up your own life here.

Acceptance can sometimes be a decision you make, , every second of every day. Life throws stuff at us that can be almost impossible to accept but you have to make the decision to be happy and healthy, to appreciate what you have and pigeon hole what you can't. Once you start making that decision it gets easier to do, it's time and practice.

Your love for your dd shines like a beacon in your post, concentrate on that, allow that feeling to start to fill you. Practice banishing the darker thoughts and get some support to do it. No one is an island who can do it alone, sometimes you need help to get to the point you need to be to be happy so go get it. Your happiness directly impacts that of your dd so pour all that energy into her instead of berating yourself for the awful time you've been through.

I used to feel a bit like you op. It made me sad and angry for sometime. I had been so convinced we would have another that it took a while to accept that we wouldn't. I was secretly upset with friends who were pregnant too.

It is a grieving process for the future you have imagined for so long and it takes time. In.fact time is the main thing that will help you to feel positive about your situation. My Dd loves being an only, she didn't always but she does now. I feel so so lucky to have her. I am able to be a calm, relaxed mum who has plenty of time to do things for my Dd. Plus she never has to compete for my attention.

As time has gone on I've been able to note the various things I wouldn't have been able to do with more than 1 child, for example, tomorrow I'm taking Dd on a surprise mini.break to the coast and I've planned lots of lovely things for us to do!

I know it doesn't feel like it but you are lucky and there is no.way you could have ensured that your Dd,and her future siblings got on, my brothers loathe each other! Take care op, acknowledge what you are feeling but also try to focus on the wonderful Dd you have and the lovely future you can build with your little family.

I was in a similar boat but i saw my friends babies as being their own and completely different to mine. I was sad for myself but relieved my loved ones didn't have to face the same problems. I also took on a bit of a special auntie role when I felt stronger.

I now have 4 and I would say that although having 4 is special but having one is equally special in a different way. Secondary infertility is heart breaking bit there are many upsides to having one child long term.

You handle it by counting your blessings. You are very lucky to have a happy, healthy, beautiful daughter.

I am 43 and despite five years of trying have no children. Yes, I am gutted but it is one of those things but I am thankful that I have a wonderful DH and will have never have the worry of uni fees!

You sound very silly and immature if you are going to let this ruin a friendship/your life.

There are siblings of my parents who have had infertility issues, and I know people who have miscarrid. As a result I never assumed that I would have a child or children. I was fortunate to be able to have 2, but at each stage I was fully aware that it might not be my fate/fortune, and was able to accept that, and in the same way accepted that they each had to be delivered by CS rather than a natural birth. I am not trying to minimise your feelings, but do try and accept your lot - your body has already provided you with so much.

It's very hard now. Can you not just admit that to your friend, if its hard to call can you write it down. She will understand your pain in not having a second baby.

In the long long run can you aim for your best friend's children to be close friends, not siblings but still close. I wouldn't lose the friendship over this. Four children is hard too, but in very different ways (e.g. long term financial struggle and sheer hard work)

I'm 47, have had the menopause, didn't meet a man decent enough to have a child with until it was too late.

You lucky lucky thing, having a 3 year old daughter.

Bloody hell, I'd have no friends, family or life if I couldn't get over this.

I am sorry you have had such a distressing series of loss and miscarriage.

There is much that is very painful in your post.

You sound as if your distress is colouring your perception of your dd's life. Be careful not to project your upset on to her. "If there was ever a child who is not suited to being an only child it's her" - you can't guarantee that any sibling she did have would be the 'right' kind of sibling for her anyway. The most important factor in the happiness of a child is how they are parented: whatever size family they are in.

Make sure she has friends and plenty of social life - THAT's how you can make sure she leads a happy life.

Would you benefit from counselling? You do sound distressed and preoccupied.

I hope things get better for you, OP, but you might need some help to get a new perspective.

Hi, I too suffered secondary infertility and like your dd my dd was desperate for a sibling. She used to list everyone we know with babies before asking why we didn't have one at our house. It broke my heart.

After a particularly distressing miscarriage a friend announced her pregnancy with her third. I was devastated. I really resented her growing bump as a reminder of what I didn't have and especially what my dd didn't have Que more x is having a sister etc...

Once the baby arrived she was gorgeous with a fantastic little personality. I mostly feel embarrassed now by my feelings.

I finally went on to have a second. I wouldn't change him for the world but there is nearly 5 years gap and myddaughter is facing a summer of activities suitable for a 3 year old ( she is 8) while one of her best friends who is an only is enjoying weekends away theatre trips and festivals.

Anyway my point is you feel like this now but life goes on. If you can't be happy for your friend fake it now as I am sure you will feel different one day. If you do have another one day that will be great but if not your dd will have a wonderful life as the centre of all your worlds.

Hello

First of all secondary infertility is a special kind of heart renching pain. No matter how many people say be grateful for what you have it doesn't stop a biological/psychological need or urge you have. You have a child so all the play dates and playgroup trips you have to listen to everyone else talking about siblings and pregnancies whilst you sit there nodding and smiling trying not to either breakdown into tears or scream their f**king heads off. Don't get me started on the people who constantly say "so when's the next one?"
"I'm bloody trying people believe me!!!!!!"

This does not mean that I don't have empathy for people who can't have children at all. It must be equally painful but one doesn't negate the other. In the same way for example if someone were to pass away eg a parent, sibling, friend you don't say oh never mind you have another!!! The lost of that person is devastating.

You can and should grieve for possibilities lost and children that will never be. Perhaps some counselling would be beneficial and when I was going through this I saw my GP a lot.

With regards to your friend you recognise you are being unreasonable and only time will tell how your friendship will progress. The very same thing happened to me and sometimes faking it really does work until suddenly you don't even realise you are past it.

I really feel for you OP I'm afraid unless you have secondary infertility or are close with someone who does it's hard to understand. Everybody, rightly so, feels for people with infertility not so much for secondary. If you posted this in infertility OP you would have a very different response.

When children talk about houses with babies it doesn't mean they want a sibling. It's just about what other people have and mimicking. At that age they don't have a concept of what having a sibling would really mean anyway. Please don't torture yourself anymore than you need to be.

You have a daughter and you are a mother. IMO that supersedes any of your own issues - you have to suck them up and deal with them as best you can and then get on with being a good parent. If you are consumed with your own bitterness, such that you are damaging relationships then you absolutely must sort it out, perhaps through counselling, because you know what, you have a child and she needs a mum with her head screwed on. There is absolutely no point in wasting your daughter's childhood wishing for another fictional child. Focus on the one you have or will find she has grown up and you have missed it all.

I do agree about posting in 'fertility' where people you find more people with similar experience.