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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think they should have cleared up, even a bit?

56 replies

hackneylady · 27/07/2014 02:42

We had friends around for dinner tonight, and right at the end of the main course, my partner had an accident and sliced her hand (long story involving shaky chair and a radiator thermostat with no proper cap).

We decided to go to hospital for stitches so had to leave. It was obviously a shame for the evening to end but what's bothering me is that our friends knew we wouldn't get home till late (I'm just in, after 4 hours in A and E and I'm exhausted!) but went off without clearing up. I think one of them did say, 'oh do you want us to do something' and I think I was a bit English in return and said something like 'no worries', but if it were me, I just would have got stuck in.

They're very close friends and we're around each others houses all the time so everyone was completely at home.

I was just a bit flabbergasted to see everyone pick up their belongings and go as we tried to close windows, etc to get ourselves out to the door to hospital.

But maybe I'm BU?

OP posts:

fledermaus · 27/07/2014 08:36

So they asked about clearing up
You said no
You started closing windows and getting ready to go
They got their stuff and left

Yes, what bastards! How didn't they know what you really wanted was for them to stay and clear up?

EthicalPickle · 27/07/2014 08:39

I would have helped clear up and I would have thought all my female friends would have too.

However, you were a bit daft to say 'no worries' when you were asked so its a bit your fault too (sorry) I would have asked them to clear up.

I'm on the fence so you are niether U or NBU

SandorClegane · 27/07/2014 08:52

If you wanted them to help clear up then the right answer to give would have been 'yes, that would be great, thank you'.

Frontier · 27/07/2014 08:59

If i offered to stay and clear up and you said it wasn't necessary, i would think you didn't want to leave me in the house. i wouldn't argue with you because you'd got enough on your plate and you needed to get to hospital.

Iownathreeinchferrari · 27/07/2014 09:02

I would have stayed and cleaned up. Its easy enough to pull the door behind me when I leave

fledermaus · 27/07/2014 09:02

Exactly, they were trying to cause you the least stress possible in a stressful time - arguing with you about staying in your house/doing your washing up while you are trying to get to A&E would have been ridiculous!

ExcuseTypos · 27/07/2014 09:10

[comfused]

If you'd said "oh don't rush, you finish your food, just lock up when you've finished" I would have thought they would have tidied up.

But you were rushing round closing windows, so they would have presumed you wanted them out of the house.

What were they expected to do? Break back in to clear up?

funnyossity · 27/07/2014 09:10

I don't do mind reading very well and I would have got out of your way and left you to concentrate on locking up as that's what I would want in a similar situation.

And EthicalPickle noting she would have thought female friends would clear up.. it's a minefield isn't it.

martinisdry · 27/07/2014 09:51

Going against the majority here. I would feel a bit miffed too in those circumstances. I think it goes without saying that a guest should clear up/feed cat/turn off oven/whatever else needs attention while you're running around trying to get to a and e. That's just basic kindness. Unless, as pps have said, you gave them the impression you needed them out of the house so you could lock up.

If I'd been a guest at a good friend's house and that had happened, I'd probably have shooed you off to hospital with a "Don't worry, we'll take care of everything here." I hope they've at least contacted you to ask how partner's hand is.

sanfairyanne · 27/07/2014 11:23

can you imagine starting the washing up while someone is bleeding and someone else is trying to lock the house up? nightmare. just getting in the way

op, learn to say what you want

whois · 27/07/2014 12:09

Um, OP I think you're pretty strange to expect people to have stayed and cleared up.

You needed to get to hospital, you were locking windows AND they offered to help and you said 'no worries'. WTF? I would they thought getting out of your way was the best thing they could do.

Also how much clearing up was there to do really? I don't ever expect my guests to help at a dinner party - they are there to enjoy themselves not get the marigolds on.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 27/07/2014 12:12

Yabu - but I hope your partner's hand is okay.

scottishmummy · 27/07/2014 12:25

Lesson here,if you want something,be explicit.dont passively say no worries
When what you intend is,yes please do assist us by tidying while we go to hospital
How is anyone supposed to know,no worries means yes stay and clean

I think this is miscommunicated expectation,op think the right thing is to clean up.that wasn't communicated
Hoping someone else will meet your expectation despite a contradictory instruction of no worries, is daft

flyingtrue · 27/07/2014 13:15

Ithey asked 'can we do anything' and you say 'no' then ran around shutting the place up I'd take that as a cue to 'get out pleaseand don't ask any more silly questions we need to leave. Not 'don't worry, just finish up and we'll be back later'.

I think YABU to expect them to clear up when your words and actions suggest you want people to leave.

Had you said 'don't worry, just shut the door when you've finished', I would have taken that as you saying we didn't have to leave and definitely would have cleaned up.

But your words and actions imply you want people out- so they did as you asked.

Would you have stayed in that situation? Asked not to worry and gestures made that suggested leaving? I wouldn't sit there like a lemon and wait to be told 'can you please leave, we need to go.'

Just write it off as poor communication between you all.

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/07/2014 13:25

If I'd been a guest at a good friend's house and that had happened, I'd probably have shooed you off to hospital with a "Don't worry, we'll take care of everything here.

Did you not read the bit where the friend offered and was told not to?

ICanSeeTheSun · 27/07/2014 13:29

Hope your DP hand is ok.

Howeve if i say don't worry about it I mean it. I think you need to learn to communicate a bit better because people are not mind readers

flyingtrue · 27/07/2014 13:30

I think the key is that this could have easily been the OPs AIBU n the oppositite in which YANBU would probably have been more overwhelming.

^We had friends around for dinner tonight, and right at the end of the main course, my partner had an accident and sliced her hand (long story involving shaky chair and a radiator thermostat with no proper cap).

We decided to go to hospital for stitches so had to leave. It was obviously a shame for the evening to end but what's bothering me is that our friends just sat there after it happened.

I think one of them did say, 'oh do you want us to do something' and I think I was a bit English in return and said something like 'no worries'. So I thought they'd take the hint that we were leaving and would like them too as well.

They're very close friends and we're around each others houses all the time so everyone was completely at home but in this situation I was just a bit flabbergasted to see everyone just sitting there watching us as we tried to close windows, etc to get ourselves out to the door to hospital.

When I came back I did find the place tidied but I found it strange they'd not left with us and just carried on.

But maybe I'm BU?^

londonrach · 27/07/2014 13:37

Don't understand. They asked you said no. They knew you wanted to get to hospital. Polite think would to collect your belongings and go. They did so good friends. Only think I'd expect us a text or phone call the next say to thank you and say ok. Yabu. Was he ok?

Deverethemuzzler · 27/07/2014 13:45

I wouldn't have a clue what to do in that situation.

Honestly.

Specially if I asked and you said 'no problem' or whatever.

I would want to clean up but wouldn't want to be intrusive.

You are not really being fair. Maybe you will feel a bit less pissed off after a good sleep.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/07/2014 13:52

YABU. Next time accept help.

hamptoncourt · 27/07/2014 14:05

YABU, I would have thought I should leave asap and wouldn't have wanted to stay in your house whilst you went to the hospital.

The friend asked if they could help tidy and you said no.

I can't really see why you are complaining.

silveroldie2 · 27/07/2014 14:35

If there's a next time you now know to say 'thank you very much'. You said no to their offer so I'm not sure what they could have done.

FeministStar · 27/07/2014 15:18

I would have expected them to leave, I wouldn't want any visitors staying in my house when I was still there. They could have offered to take your partner to hospital for you I suppose.

martinisdry · 27/07/2014 16:36

Did you not read the bit where the friend offered and was told not to?

Yes, indeed. I did read that bit. I was saying that I wouldn't have offered to clear up, I'd just have got on with it.

sanfairyanne · 27/07/2014 16:50

how though without getting in the way?

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