i do believe tonight is the night i actually kill the H.

[AtYourCervix]

He is a bit pissed. I am not.

He came in. Ate 4 sandwiches. Left crumbs all over. Then choked on it because he is a greedy git who is too pissed/hungry to chew properly.

He stinks of beer.

He breathes loudly.

He has hiccups from the choking incident.

I am [envy-] because I have worked 13 hours today and would like to be a bit pissed and to be able yo eat bread without then shitting myself 30 minutes later. I miss bread.

He is going to snore next.

How should I kill him. My only suitable weapon is a basket of clean washing and standard bedroom furniture.

Can you smother him with sandwiches? It's pretty clear they have it in for him already...

Lock him out. It's a warm night.

Smothering might make the hiccups worse.

How can anyone hiccup in their sleep ffs?

Hang on. I think he's stopped.

Still breathing though.

Could you summon some she-ra muscles and throw him out of the window? I'm wondering how strong I am as d(for dickhead) p went out fir one pint at about five as ds has been annoying today...no sign and not answering his phone. I am very,very,very annoyed.

Breathing is the worst

Roll him down the stairs and out the front door.

There's an idea. I'd love to see his face if I could.

he's quietened a bit. I might not do him in after all. I'm hoping he'll clean the house tomorrow.

Break up some sandwiches, roll the pieces into very tight balls and wodge them up his nostrils. Roll him onto his side. He will open his mouth and reduce the level of snoring maybe?
Empty out the basket of washing, then upturn it over his face to 'cage' him in.
sleep in the spare room.

Put all the cclothes in the basket on him, suffocation how dare he breathe lol

Bread that made my giggle

I am watching this with interest.

My dh has gone out for the evening and is expected home anytime after midnight, pissed and sweaty. He will make sandwiches and eat them messily before coming upstairs, waking me with his general clumsiness, get into bed quite probably touching me in the process (the bastard), and then fall asleep immediately snoring while I lay there seething.

I am already livid with him before any of this has happened.

Its a red line. LTB

He deserves a fate worse than death.

In the morning, wake the kids up very early. Feed them a breakfast full of sugar and e numbers to make them as hyper as possible. Send them upstairs to wake daddy by bouncing all over him, even if your kids are teenagers.

Then piss of out for the day, taking with you all painkillers/hangover cures, his wallet and bank card.

Leave a half pipe tin of cat food with a knife in next to his sandwich making debris.

Look forward to the morning when he will stagger downstairs snd think he are a Whiskas butty.

Sellotape a piece of wafer thin ham across his mouth?!

Nothing more annoying than a driven tube when you are not. I wait for my partner to drunkenly stumble into bed, then I kick him and deny it! V passive aggressive etc, but gives me a few mins pleasure! (Note when I am drukrn tube he is lovely and patient which makes it all WORSE)

*pipe/opened

Are you both in bedroom? If not, leg it into bedroom and put chair against door.

Ha. Then say you are sick and he needs to sleep downstairs.

Or do the laundry basket thing. Cool.

Oooh draw eyebrows on him when he's asleep!

With a Sharpie!

Why do they have to breathe in such an annoying way :)

Itll only get worse in the morning when you get woken by the stench of fart so think you are chewing on it.

Seriously get thee to a hotel.

HotPink you are an evil genius :)

Drunken sandwich eating should be punished it's not evil! it's rehabilitation.

Loud snoring will kick in at 3am.

My DH went out for a couple of hours today and came back 9 hours later trying to pretend he wasn't drunk.

He's snoring up a storm now so I can't sleep - thank god for mumsnet.

He'll pay for it in the morning.

Love the Whiskas butty idea!