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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to confront DP about this email?

69 replies

DoomDeer · 26/07/2014 15:32

One thing to make clear, I was not snooping on DP I had forgotten the password to one of our accounts That uses his email.

While I was waiting for the password reset to come through I noticed there was an email from our bank, letting DP know that the application for a loan was being processed. At first, I thought it was probably a scam email that had ended up in the inbox but the more I looked at it the more I wondered and I eventually gave up and read it.

Its a genuine email. We have a joint account and frankly I'm hurt that he's applied for a loan that we don't need without asking me or telling me, this doesn't just effect him as it contributes to my credit score as well.

Now I'm a but paranoid he's kept other things from me to, there was an email from Barclaycard as well, I didn't open, I'm wondering whether I should go back and find out what its about.

I really hate debt....:(

OP posts:

NotDavidTennant · 26/07/2014 21:18

OP, I hate to have to say this to you, but I've seen lots of these threads over the years where the DP suddenly declares they've fallen out of love, and I'm struggling to think of a single instance where it didn't eventually turn out that there was an OW.

Did he explain what his reasons where for borrowing money behind your back?

ThePinkOcelot · 26/07/2014 21:31

Wow OP, wasn't expecting that. So sorry xx

MiscellaneousAssortment · 26/07/2014 21:43

Oh dear OP, I'm so sorry :(

Original poster

DoomDeer · 26/07/2014 21:50

He said the loan was to buy a car for work, he had mentioned it was cheaper to get a car than go by train.

I too think there is an OW, although he insists otherwise, but why would he just suddenly declare that.

What pissed me off, is that we were "intimate" on holiday before he left for work. What kind of fucker, does that knowing they don't love you anympore?

OP posts:

Littleen · 26/07/2014 21:58

Ah that sucks! I'm still helping my OH sorting out his mess of debts that his ex got him in, 5 years ago -.- Money eh!

impatienceisavirtue · 26/07/2014 22:13

What an utter, utter prick.

Please take everyone's advice and take immediate protective action. Get onto something like experian ASAP and find out if there is anything else financially untoward going on. The quicker you get onto that stuff, as hard as it is whilst you're so upset, the easier it will be in the long run.

So sorry you're going through this

Coconutty · 26/07/2014 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gimcrack · 26/07/2014 22:53

I'm so sorry, that's really shite. You're probably in a bit of a haze right now, but you need to start protecting yourself. Think about your finances and the future.

I'm sure wiser mumsnetters who have been in your position can advise. Good luck.

DoJo · 26/07/2014 23:11

So even though he had already realised he didn't love you, he was still prepared to commit to a £1500 loan in joint names with you? What a dick!

What an awful situation to be in, and although I'm not sure it is helpful to speculate about whether a third party is involved, the prospect does make me think that maybe you should have an STD check to be on the safe side.

You WILL be able to extricate yourself from the tangle of your joint lives, and you WILL be ok again at some point, but it will take work and it might not be easy. I really hope that the recent revelations about the kind of person he is make it easier to move on from this relationship - good luck.

Morloth · 26/07/2014 23:55

Right, I know you are reeling. But you need to right this minute try to shut down joint financial arrangements.

He is already facing around with the money. Don't let him make it worse.

Now.

daisychain01 · 27/07/2014 03:18

So even though he had already realised he didn't love you, he was still prepared to commit to a £1500 loan in joint names with you?

Is the loan in joint names though, without doomdeer's signature or knowledge? I'm pretty certain both signatures would need to be on the loan paperwork for it to be a joint loan.

differentnameforthis · 27/07/2014 05:14

My friend signed a 'loan agreement' many moons ago that her dh put in front of her. They had (she thought) a very trusting marriage, they had been married 10+years at this point & felt she didn't need to check the details, as she trusted him. I know that these days, if dh doesn't anything with out bank account, I have to be consulted, but in those days (talking 20+ years ago), a signature from the joint holder was enough, they didn't HAVE to go into the branch to do anything.

Several years later they divorced, she stayed in the marital home with their son. All was going well until she got a letter to repay the mortgage (that she believed was paid off a few years prior). She found out that the 'loan agreement' was in fact a re-mortgage on their home (for 10s of thousands) & because he had signed the home over to her, she was fully responsible for the debt.

She couldn't afford it & had to sell her home.

So yes, DO confront him.

differentnameforthis · 27/07/2014 05:20

I see that the thread has moved on.

So sorry op, there is definitely something fishy going on. I second the pp that said you should check other finances, if possible.

Isetan · 27/07/2014 12:26

So he was attempting to have one final payday, cheeky fucker. Contact the bank ASAP and cancel the loan and get a credit report to find out if there aren't any other nasty financial surprises. This man is not to be trusted and sounds like he is prepared to screw you over, otherwise why apply for the loan before ending the relationship.

kittykatsforever · 27/07/2014 12:45

I'm sorry op but please protect yourself first and greave later, it doesn't ring true, if he needs a car for work why wouldn't he have spoken to you first about it and what to get?? Also why then the Barclay card too?
He's up to something and you've caught him, the easiest way to deflect is to throw in the "I don't love you bomb" he clearly wasn't planning on telling you that right until that minute, whether it's another women or something else I wouldn't trust him with access to anything with my name on x

KurriKurri · 27/07/2014 13:36

God you poor thing - I'm so sorry. I've been through similar, and agree with those saying other woman. Please be very careful - don't trust anything he says, my STBXH conned me out of thousands before he left wth OW and had taken out loans and created debt that he now wants me to pay half of.

If someone is immoral enough to lie and cheat, they don't have any qualms about financially screwing you over.

Take care - and take some legal advice (citizens advice will give you good info, most towns have a free CA legal advice centre, and many solicitors will give you a free hour of advice - I know its hard tot hink of such things now when you are so hurt, but it's good to know where you stand, and taking action and advice yourself can give you a much needed feeling of regaining control when he is trying to call all the shots.)

Good luck. x

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 27/07/2014 13:42

The 'I dont love you' was thrown into the conversation to knock you off balance and perhaps stop you from doing anymore research into your finances because who knows what else you might find.

Very much a case of 'attack is the best form of defence'.

mrsspagbol · 27/07/2014 13:51

CALL THE BANK!!!!

differentnameforthis · 27/07/2014 15:45

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Good point. He has distracted the op & thrown her off the trail.

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