First baby due next month. Mother has invited herself to stay...

[ILikeRed]

Our first baby is due at the end of august (my mother's first grandchild) and everyone is very excited. My mum lives about 300miles away and is not the easiest person to get on with (DH would call that an enormous understatement!) She can make me feel extremely stressed at the best of times and im constantly worried about her and DH arguing - which they generally dont, as long as he bites his tongue.(I imagine sleep deprivation will make that more difficult!)

She has, somehow, invited herself to stay with us for a week at the beginning of august, returning the weekend that the baby is due to "help". She wont help. She doesnt cook or clean or wash. She just makes mess and noise.

AIBU to ask her not to come? Can I ask her to give us a few days/ a week after the birth before she meets her grandchild?

How do I tell her? She WILL throw a hissy fit and I, at almost 9 months pregnant, am not sure I can take the stress!

Help!

I would invoke the midwife and say that she says it's a bad idea, that you aren't up to having guests. Midwives can be 'made' to say all sorts of things that happen to co-incide with what you want to happen and it is very difficult for mother, MIL's and so on to argue with it, because you then get to turn around and get all antsy asking things like 'So, you're saying you know better than my midwife? You want me to ignore medical advice because it's better for you? You don't care about my health or about your new grandchild! I thought you loved us and would want the best for us!' and so on...

My mum came to stay to "look after" DH while I was in hospital with DS as he was working & is pretty clueless about cooking for himself etc. She just steamrollered her way in.

It was bloody awful - she drove him berserk & did her usual trick of "ringing the changes" with usually edible food, rendering it virtually uneatable. She also sterilised the whole house with Milton, dripping it about in the process & bleaching little patches all over the place

After I got home she hung around for a few days on high alert & would appear in the middle of the night to "help" while I was up feeding

Even if my mum would have been helpful, I wouldn't have wanted her to stay tbh.

I wanted to get on & get used to being a family, rest up & bfeed!

Fortunately all parents were only an hr away & staying not necessary.

If you both find her difficult it might be easier that she stays elsewhere in any event.

and that you visit her there to stop her being at yours all day!

Tell her she's welcome to visit but needs to book a b&b.

My best mate got away with this with her FIL last year when she had her first - God knows how but apparently it can be done!

YANBU OP - my mum is the same, I allowed myself to be emotionally blackmailed into having her to stay after DC2 was born - she didn't even makecups of tea or wash her own mug, she did nothing - criticised the meals I cooked, in a PA way "Oh, I only needed something light" and wanted changes made to the room she stayed in (wanted a mirror hung), wanted me to drive her to and take her clothes shopping, made digs about my friends, non of whom she liked, and about housework... Her idea of "helping" was to hold my newborn, who I wanted to be holding, all fucking day and expect me to be grateful for being "free" to clean - 2 weeks after a c-section. She cried when I pointed out I had spent 9 months pregnant because I actually wanted a baby, I wasn't itching to be rid of him and give the house a thorough turn out

Oh no, what a shame. I was fortunate, my mum is really helpful and I wanted her around each time because she cooks all my fave meals but if your mum is a burden, agree you need to postpone her and worst she's likely to do is sulk as bunny says.

Hope it all goes well for you!

I hear you OP. Mine is lovely but gets so stressed when she's there to 'help' in any crisis that she gets short and snappy and can't find anything and panics and bangs about until she's got me as frazzled as she feels. She's someone to invite when things are back on an even keel.

Don't feel you have to explain exactly the plan of where you'll be what day and when. Be firm that you'll call her when it's time to visit. Don't reward any huffs or tantrums with attention, they're her feelings, let her handle them: they don't mean you're doing anything wrong or you need to fix them for her. And spend those first few days doing what you and dp and baby need, inviting people over when you're ready and want them to come.

It's an awful lot easier to manage m/ mil visits if you've got some physical boundaries in place

Rather than hoping for the best and hoping you'll be able to put yourself across well and they'll listen to you and respect you.

Stay in a hotel/ stay for a very limited time / stay when the baby is a bit older.